Oh Anxiety How I Hate You!

Yesterday anxiety hit strong. Without warning. I HATE IT!!!

I tried playing with the puppies, calling my husband, calling my parents, reading the scriptures, praying, and Xanax. It lessened some, and I I finally went to sleep.

The best description of anxiety was on a yahoo post, author unknown:

“Anxiety feels like fear and/or guilt. It feels like a buzzing in your head and a knot in your stomach. It’s the feeling you get when you see the cop’s lights in the rear view mirror. It the feeling you get when someone tells you that your husband was in a traffic accident and he’s at the hospital seriously injured and you don’t know if he’ll live or die. It’s the feeling you get when you are standing on the high dive looking down, and there’s a line behind you, and you can’t go back, and you are so terrified that you can’t move. It’s like a horrible person who hates you and who follows you around everywhere whispering in your ear that every single thing you do was screwed up and wrong, and you can’t do anything right, and if you try to do something, you are just going to mess it up worse. Sometimes, when it hits all at once, it’s like getting shocked with a jolt of electricity. And, late at night, when everyone else is asleep, your little voice is still there, whispering that it’s all screwed up and it’s your fault, and you’re still trying to argue with it, but it never shuts up. And, your heart is beating so loud that the noise is keeping you awake.

But, there are no cop lights. There was not call about a traffic accident. It’s a normal day, and the sun is shining, and even if there are some problems, you know, logically, that there’s no reason to feel THAT bad about it.

And, yes, late at night you wonder if that little voice will ever shut up, and if that buzzing in your head and that knot in your stomach will ever go away, and if your heartbeat will ever just be quiet so you can get some sleep.

However, be aware that depression can also make it hard to control your thoughts, to conctrate and to remember things, and depression also makes you feel like it won’t get better. The difference is that with depression you are sad, or have no motivation, or just don’t care. With anxiety, you feel scared, inadequate, guilty or anxious.”

It was better when I first woke up this morning, but as the day goes on I feel it rising in my chest. my chest getting tighter. My insides shaking more.

I have an appointment with my therapist today. I think that is a good thing. One of the questions on my intake forms was “What Are Some of the Activities that You Enjoy?” I cried as I sat there and tried and tried to think of something that I enjoyed doing. I eventually said, “I have lost myself, I cannot think of anything I enjoy anymore.”

I want a healthy Hope. I want the Hope that laughed and joked and enjoyed being around people. I want the Hope that could think positive and not always negative. I want a Hope who loves herself. I want a Hope that can look at today as a good day, and toward tomorrow with Hope. I am tired of looking through tarnished depressed eyes!

Depression and Anxiety oh how I hate you both!

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About Hope

I am forty year old survivor and a five year old victim of sexual abuse. I live with severe depression and anxiety, and in 2013 was diagnosed with DID and PTSD. My journey is to reintegrate my alter and the adult me into a whole person, healthy person, and one that can empathize with others.

2 thoughts on “Oh Anxiety How I Hate You!

  1. (((HUGS)) I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder 12 years ago so I know firsthand how horrible and debilitating anxiety can be. And I especially hate it when it just comes out of the blue when I think it’s going to be a great day and then WHAM! It’s hard. Plain and simple, it’s just hard living with anxiety.

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