I Like To Look For Rainbows

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I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain
and ponder on the beauty of an earth made clean again.

I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain.
I want to be the best I can and live with God again.

Last night was a very hard night. So much hurt and anger and fear bubbled out, triggered by a goodnight kiss from my husband. Something meant to bring comfort brought fear and hurt.

I realize I blame myself not so much for what happened, or maybe I do, but for not telling. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for so long. Trust issues for so long. Always wanting and needing someone there. WHY DID I NOT TELL?

As I broke down last night and let so much out, I recognized how much I want to protect “him”. Why would I do that? It makes no sense to me. The inner battle is so overwhelming, because even though I have this desire to protect him, when I go anywhere I end up white knuckling it all the way and have deep finger nail marks in my palms fearing that moment that I might see him.

I have always loved rainbows. And much like Noah they seem to be a special gift from God, My Father in Heaven, to let my know all is going to be okay. This morning I have anxiety, but I am singing. “I like to look for rainbows”. The song is actually called when I Am Baptized.

Last night when I was looking at one of the blogs I follow, someone had posted the picture above. I am grateful for those tender mercies and moments that Heavenly Father reminds me that He is very aware of me, and knows exactly what I am going through. This not going to be easy, but I will with Him and My Savior Jesus Christ and also with the support of my family, my friends, and the medical professionals He has blessed with wisdom and knowledge eventually I will be whole again and able to deal with life.

I must keep reminding myself of that, and keep looking for the rainbows that He places in my path everyday.

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About Hope

I am forty year old survivor and a five year old victim of sexual abuse. I live with severe depression and anxiety, and in 2013 was diagnosed with DID and PTSD. My journey is to reintegrate my alter and the adult me into a whole person, healthy person, and one that can empathize with others.

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