Tonight I attempt to sleep in my childhood room. The last few nights I have slept here, tonight I only attempt to sleep. I am so very restless. I notice I use the word very a lot I need to check a thesaurus for a good synonym for very. (I must for warn you it is 1:19 am and as I write my free flowing thoughts might seem quite odd.)
I get strange when I am overly tired. One year at summer camp after staying up with my best friends talking and eating M&Ms, I looked down at a green one (I believe) and laughed for at least an hour. Even after lights were out and we were all quiet, I would start laughing hysterically again about that silly M&M. Should have been a sign that I was certifiably crazy!
Those are good memories. I have some really good memories. I used to laugh and laugh deep. I will still laugh now some, but it is often to cover up something else I am feeling. There was a time I laughed just to laugh.
I know what I am anxious about tonight. In the morning I will drive the same road I drove two weeks ago on Thursday when I had my first flash back. I understand that it is not that road that the abuse happened on, but it is what it is.