Wide Awake

Tonight I attempt to sleep in my childhood room. The last few nights I have slept here, tonight I only attempt to sleep. I am so very restless. I notice I use the word very a lot I need to check a thesaurus for a good synonym for very. (I must for warn you it is 1:19 am and as I write my free flowing thoughts might seem quite odd.)

I get strange when I am overly tired. One year at summer camp after staying up with my best friends talking and eating M&Ms, I looked down at a green one (I believe) and laughed for at least an hour. Even after lights were out and we were all quiet, I would start laughing hysterically again about that silly M&M. Should have been a sign that I was certifiably crazy!

Those are good memories. I have some really good memories. I used to laugh and laugh deep. I will still laugh now some, but it is often to cover up something else I am feeling. There was a time I laughed just to laugh.

I know what I am anxious about tonight. In the morning I will drive the same road I drove two weeks ago on Thursday when I had my first flash back. I understand that it is not that road that the abuse happened on, but it is what it is.


About Hope

I am forty year old survivor and a five year old victim of sexual abuse. I live with severe depression and anxiety, and in 2013 was diagnosed with DID and PTSD. My journey is to reintegrate my alter and the adult me into a whole person, healthy person, and one that can empathize with others.

6 thoughts on “Wide Awake

  1. Ha! It WAS green! And you had all of us laughing maniacally at that M&M! Sometimes “M” (my 16-year-old step-daughter) will talk to me about the daily drama and silliness in which she and her friends get involved, as though cleverer discourse has never existed. I bear it with patience, remembering how silly we once were. Silliness, I think, can be very good medicine, for teens and for those approaching 40.

    1. Yes it can be. Yes it can be. What were we called? The Bum-A-Teers? That was the same year we pretended to me masked gun-men, with our water guns in hand. With the help of a couple of leaders (except our own) I might add, terrifying all the younger campers, as they sat in the mess hall that rainy night. Oh how times have changed. I would never think of doing that in today’s world.

        1. Hey, we did make awesome meatballs when we worked in the mess hall. I remember playing hide and seek and silly me hiding in the walk in freezer, barefoot…after the rain…I had to wiggle my feet back and forth to get enough heat to melt the ice and hop out! Thankfully the door did not lock and thankfully no damage was done. 🙂

  2. I remember also making AMAZING brownies that year! I thought I was magical. Turns out, I follow written directions well.

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