Something I am working hard on doing is gaining the trust of my inner child. How courageous and painful it must have been to hold in the secret for so long and not even tell me. I want her to feel safe.
Talking to yourself has always been a sign of weakness or the “crazies”. Talking to yourself in a younger version, as a child, parenting yourself–It is a foreign concept to me, but something healing about it too. I think that is one of the reasons I want to find George so bad. Yes, George means so much to me now, but to hold and hug George, would be like giving my inner child her security blanket. A gift from the adult me.
She alone has carried this burden. Yes, making my life miserable because she could not find her voice to share her secret so we could heal, but alone nonetheless. She just acts out in anger, depression, fear and anxiety, over eating, and chosing unhealthy relationships. Basically making my life a living hell until I would go to therapy and help us. 34 years that is a long time to suffer alone in pain.
In therapy last week, one of the activities we did was imagine there was a child there, one of the children that I teach at church. A five or six year old. This child comes up to me they had been hurt in the same way I was. What would I tell this child?
As I talked to this child, we realized the things that my inner child needs to hear, and she needs to hear those things from me. I need to get the trust developed so I can really talk her.
How do you talk to your inner child? For me I acknowledge my feelings, especially those that start coming out of the blue. I was feeling really anxious the other day, for no apparent reason and I acknowledged her, that I could tell she was worried about something and I told her we were going to get help for herand us. We were going to be whole. I let her know she was not alone anymore, she does not have to carry her secret any more. I am the adult, let me carry it. It was strange, the anxiety lessened a little. I do not mean ALOT, wow I am healed kind of feeling, but that crushing feeling was lessened.
When I first started going to therapy and they wanted to look into my past, I was almost defiant saying, “I had a good childhood.” I still stand by that statment to a large degree, but I think about how my inner child felt denying all she felt the last 34 years, her childhood was not good. She had alot happy times, but the all of her happy times were marred by what “he” did to her. I am grateful to her for letting me have a happy childhood and not remember, but I am sorry she carried that burden alone.