No Words

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No words. For years only emotion or action, but no words. Self destructive habits, but no words. Self loathing, but no words. Many tears, but no words.

With the promise from me that she will be safe to release her hidden secrets, no words. Another memory, more emotion, more tears, but no words. Maybe that is why she did not tell.

The things that were done to her. What words does a 5-6 year old have for them? That does not even take into the account the fear, the betrayal, confusion, isolation, despair, blame, physical sickness, and myraid of other emotions that were thrust on her. How does a 5-6 year old process that?

I did not. Much like our games of hide and seek. I hid them, deep in most private recesses of my mind. Whether it was subconscious or I actively did it I do not know, but I guess I thought it was hidden well. Thinking out of sight, out of mind, and we would never have to deal with it. I was wrong.

I wish there was an easy fix. I know that it is going to take time. We are going to have to work together. It is going to be painful, there is no easy way around that.

Now that I can give her experience words, be her voice. I hope we can heal. I want to be a whole person.

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About Hope

I am forty year old survivor and a five year old victim of sexual abuse. I live with severe depression and anxiety, and in 2013 was diagnosed with DID and PTSD. My journey is to reintegrate my alter and the adult me into a whole person, healthy person, and one that can empathize with others.

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