It’s Okay Not To Be Okay

Sometimes you read something that rings true in your heart and makes you breathe a sigh of relief.

Tonight while reading on Pandora’s Project, I read this quote, “Remember that it is okay for you not to be okay, no matter how long ago it happened. If you are anything like me, you spent a lot of time trying to “act normal” and hide your vulnerability – both as a child and as an adult. You need to find safe spaces and times where you no longer need to do that.”

I did not consciously remember until a few weeks ago, but how often I have tried to act normal. Hide behind a smile until my lip quivered, or my eyes could not hold my secret tears any longer. Then feeling guilty for crying–again!

Society fosters within us the need to hide if you are not “perfect”, because it is uncomfortable for others. I am talking about both my abuse and my mental condition. They are so closely related for me. Though my chemical depression is an inherited trait too, I truly believe that it is compounded by the years of fighting the suppressed memory.

Ther other day some one asked if I was “ok” and before I could respond they said, “yes you are.” Others need us to be ok. That is what is comfortable for them. So often, we suppress what we really feel to spare them the uglies. I was not ok that day. I had actually considered checking myself into a inpatient facility that afternoon.

You cannot just “snap out of it”, “forget about it”, “get on with life”, “have more faith” “don’t dwell on it” or the million other cliches that I have heard so often. Believe be, I have tried, I do try, but it is a daily fight, no, a moment by moment fight. If there was a cliche fix that made it all rainbows and puppies, I would do it in a half a heart beat.

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About Hope

I am forty year old survivor and a five year old victim of sexual abuse. I live with severe depression and anxiety, and in 2013 was diagnosed with DID and PTSD. My journey is to reintegrate my alter and the adult me into a whole person, healthy person, and one that can empathize with others.

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