Not a Rainbow in Sight

Some mornings seem to be darker than others. Darkness encased my heart, as fears and memories enveloped me yesterday morning. I did not want to be far from my Mother. As we talked and I let some of my fears and emotions verbalize, the crushing weight began to lift. Though, when we were in stores, I would still glance to see where she was. It is always there. Some moments are lesser degrees than others, which I am grateful. Very grateful. I function moment to moment.

Last evening, my niece and nephew both had activities at Church. I felt strong enough to take them. The Church is just across town. We joked about my memory, hiding from them my anxiety about not remembering how to get to the Church from their house. It has been seven years since I have lived in this area.

While they attended their activity, I went to buy their birthday presents. Coloring books, they envied the one I bought for myself the other day. I have a hour to shop and get back to the Church. I am nightblind, so we need to get home before dark.

Here is how that went. Hmmm, where should I go to get these? Should I go to Walmart, Target, Family Dollar, Dollar General? So many choices! Up goes the anxiety. Crud, there is a cop behind me. Am I doing everything okay? I have an out of town tag, he is going to pull me over just for that. Anxiety goes up. Whew, there is a Dollar Tree, go there, get out of traffic. I hope he does not turn in. Good, he did not turn. Run in Dollar Tree. It is an amazing Dollar Tree, except in the coloring book department. Oh poo. That was 15 minutes wasted. I am so bummed. I need ice cream. Cold Stone is two buildings away. I knew exactly what I wanted. Like It, Sweet Cream, with coconut, almonds, and white chocolate chips. Too bad the people in front of me did not. Anxiety up. Why did I come here? The clock is ticking, my heart keeping time. There is a Big Lots on the way back to the Church, I think. Yeah there is. I will go there. I will sit in the parking lot eat my icecream and run in and get their books. This will work. Right?! Sure it will. Dude, get off my bumper! I am turning.

When I pulled in I looked up in the sky as I was snarfing down my icecream. That is when I saw it.

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Everyday I try to find a rainbow that has been sent as a special gift to me from a loving Heavenly Father to let me know that everything is going to be okay. Yesterday it was not a rainbow though. It was a cloud with a silver lining. The picture does not do it justice. It was beautiful. I was able to relax and breathe for a few moments. I know others saw it, and saw just a pretty cloud. I saw a tender mercy.

I finished my shopping, and arrived at the Church before the kids were ready. We pulled into the garage just before dark.

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About Hope

I am forty year old survivor and a five year old victim of sexual abuse. I live with severe depression and anxiety, and in 2013 was diagnosed with DID and PTSD. My journey is to reintegrate my alter and the adult me into a whole person, healthy person, and one that can empathize with others.

4 thoughts on “Not a Rainbow in Sight

    1. I do and I am grateful. When I walked in the door my sister asked how I was, I let her know and said something like this moment I am okay. Thank you for your encouraging words!

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