Fix It Bulldog

I really hate this. I feel like I am some sort of defect that does not even experience PTSD from their abuse like others.

My nickname has been Bulldog in the past. First received that nickname when I worked corporate collections. I would go after companies with no mercy if they pushed, I pushed back. I saw results. I helped them keep their good credit rating and we received our money. That spilled over into my personal life, I will not let any company walk on me or my family members. I know how to resolve problems and work with the companies to resolve them, if they do not resolve in a positive manner, with my training, Bulldog comes out, and most times a positive resolution is reached.

However feel like Bulldog cowers beneath these memories. I am trying to meet them head on. I just do not understand my own emotions.

Most “victims” (I hate that word) have anger towards their abusers. I pity mine. I have a love for mine. I feel such a desire to protect him. What is wrong with me? Yes, I fear seeing him, because I have not seen him since I remembered. I have searched and searched blogs and the Internet for others who feel or felt like I do, and I have not found any. That upsets me, makes me feel even more alone in this. I want someone to understand what I am feeling and to say it is okay and “normal”. My family supports me, which I am grateful for, so many do not have that. I know they do not understand, how can they, I am living it and I don’t.

I think of the fun times I had with “him”. We have so much fun together. I watched his motorcycle stunts in awe. I looked up to him, and in my child’s eyes I thought I would marry him. How could I block out this awful thing? I do not understand.

Will I ever get to the point that I blame him? Is that what I need to do?

I go to my Therapist on Tuesday. That is one of my big questions. When I screamed at the woods the Sunday after I remembered, I told him that I forgave him, it is like I wanted him to know that, but I do not think forgiving him is a problem, you need to blame someone and be angry at someone before you can forgive them.

What is wrong with me? I get scared at the flashbacks, knowing what happened. Recognizing my fear, but that is fear not anger.

I really wish Bulldog could come forth and fix it, but Bulldog is sick, scared, and worst of all, has no idea what the solution is. This isn’t Bulldog’s territory.

I am probably talking in circles right now, I have a migraine today too. Forgive me for the word vomit.

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About Hope

I am forty year old survivor and a five year old victim of sexual abuse. I live with severe depression and anxiety, and in 2013 was diagnosed with DID and PTSD. My journey is to reintegrate my alter and the adult me into a whole person, healthy person, and one that can empathize with others.

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