Fix It Bulldog

I really hate this. I feel like I am some sort of defect that does not even experience PTSD from their abuse like others.

My nickname has been Bulldog in the past. First received that nickname when I worked corporate collections. I would go after companies with no mercy if they pushed, I pushed back. I saw results. I helped them keep their good credit rating and we received our money. That spilled over into my personal life, I will not let any company walk on me or my family members. I know how to resolve problems and work with the companies to resolve them, if they do not resolve in a positive manner, with my training, Bulldog comes out, and most times a positive resolution is reached.

However feel like Bulldog cowers beneath these memories. I am trying to meet them head on. I just do not understand my own emotions.

Most “victims” (I hate that word) have anger towards their abusers. I pity mine. I have a love for mine. I feel such a desire to protect him. What is wrong with me? Yes, I fear seeing him, because I have not seen him since I remembered. I have searched and searched blogs and the Internet for others who feel or felt like I do, and I have not found any. That upsets me, makes me feel even more alone in this. I want someone to understand what I am feeling and to say it is okay and “normal”. My family supports me, which I am grateful for, so many do not have that. I know they do not understand, how can they, I am living it and I don’t.

I think of the fun times I had with “him”. We have so much fun together. I watched his motorcycle stunts in awe. I looked up to him, and in my child’s eyes I thought I would marry him. How could I block out this awful thing? I do not understand.

Will I ever get to the point that I blame him? Is that what I need to do?

I go to my Therapist on Tuesday. That is one of my big questions. When I screamed at the woods the Sunday after I remembered, I told him that I forgave him, it is like I wanted him to know that, but I do not think forgiving him is a problem, you need to blame someone and be angry at someone before you can forgive them.

What is wrong with me? I get scared at the flashbacks, knowing what happened. Recognizing my fear, but that is fear not anger.

I really wish Bulldog could come forth and fix it, but Bulldog is sick, scared, and worst of all, has no idea what the solution is. This isn’t Bulldog’s territory.

I am probably talking in circles right now, I have a migraine today too. Forgive me for the word vomit.

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About Shanna

I'm Shanna. Living each day the best I can. Trying to learn and grow to be the daughter my Father in Heaven sees in me. Trying to overcome the trials of this life, and find some joy in each day.

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