And the Thunder Rolls

With summer comes the famous summer thunderstorm. Though not quite summer, we are having quite the treat! I love a good thunderstorm.

When I moved to Utah, I missed my south Georgia storms so much. I talked to my best friend MJ about my love of storms and the comfort they gave me. One morning bright and early MJ called. The first words out of his mouth were, “Did you hear it?”. Still half asleep I had no idea what I was supposed to have heard. Then he went on to tell me that there had been a thunderstorm in the middle of the night, it woken him up, and he hoped that I had heard it. Bummed I had slept through the rare Utah storm.

I am think of storms because we are having an amzing the display right now. I love it. My fur babies on the other hand, hate it. My bed feels like a magic fingers bed that I used to beg my parents to put a quarter in when we went on vacation as children. Each strike the fur babies jump on me, “Mom, did you hear it”? I am sure that if MJ peeks in once in a while from the Spirit World, he probably gets a good laugh.

Some people come in your life and they live an impression, others leave part of themselves. My friendship with MJ is like that. This year will be ten years since he passed away. When he passed he gave me a very special gift, a gift a dear friendship with his Mom. we are much more than friends, we are family. We both know the MJ we know and love is still MJ and when it is our turn to step through the veil, he will be standing there with that perfect MJ smile welcoming us home.

This blog is surely a free flowing thought today. I guess I am pensive.

I think about the last three days. Friday went well.

Yesterday went really well until my fight or flight kicked in with something completely stupid, but it did give my husband and I an opportunity to talk about how things that did not bother me before trigger me now. I realize I need to be in control of my environment as much as I can be. No loud noises or things that move rhythmically without me being in control.

I have a question to pose for those reading. The thing that triggered me last night, like I said it was extremely stupid, but I could not tell my husband to stop. My purse spilled in the floor of the car, and I was picking up change up. He being playful and funny, started pushing the car so it bounced. The rhythm of the car and my not being in control of the movement sent me into a panic, and anger. Anger that he did not realize it bothered me, anger that I was not in control. My hands were shaking, my heart raced, and I could barely pick up my coins. I realize it was stupid, but my body was still acting this way. Which made me even more upset.

Now my question, as we we discussed coming up with a sign to use when I did not feel I could say the words that something is triggering. This is often the case because of trust. I do not trust that my words will be heard or trusted. I do not trust that I can say them nicely enough or that he will hear them the way I mean them and will rather take then offensively. When that happens it then becomes something of dischord, which only makes things worse. It is something we are working on together, another process. (I read this post to him first.) Is there a sign or something you have come up with and helps you to relay to others close to you to please stop they are doing something that is triggering you?

Today, the Sabbath, mostly a good day. A few tears shed, but all in all it was a nice day at Church. One of my cute little children that I work with in Primary (the Children’s Church) kept taking me by the hand everytime he was asked by the other teacher to do something he wanted me right there with him. Warmed my heart. I love children, I really wish I could have had my own. One day I will understand why. My one day is not now, but one day I will.

I suppose with the rumbling tummy’s and since for now the storms have passed, I should go cook supper.

I look forward to hearing about any signs you use to notify others they are triggering you.

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About Hope

I am forty year old survivor and a five year old victim of sexual abuse. I live with severe depression and anxiety, and in 2013 was diagnosed with DID and PTSD. My journey is to reintegrate my alter and the adult me into a whole person, healthy person, and one that can empathize with others.

2 thoughts on “And the Thunder Rolls

  1. I am not good at letting others know when I’m being triggered, other than to say I need a time out. My kids and husband know just from the look on my face that they need to stop and back away. I am sorry you got so angry and for the record, it was not stupid. Not any more stupid than my being ashamed over something that was not even my issue. FYI I got my kids and hubby to sacrament today for the first time in months! We left after that but my little one stayed for Primary. My home teacher is one of my best friends in the world, and he was happy to see me.

    1. Oh happy tears!! Happy tears! I am proud of you. I know we put alot on ourselves that we should not, thank you for reminding me of that. It’s great that you have a wonderful home teacher.

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