I’m Trying So Hard, But Failing Miserably

So I had this incredibly funny post this morning, after talking to the the disability board.  I have tried to stay positive today, THEN I read the letter.  I am so upset, and feel like my emotions are out of control.  Starting at step one.  

The letter said, “You may be depressed at times…”  Depressed at times.  What does that feel like?  I would love to be depressed “at times”!!  No, I do not have the privilege of being depressed at times.  It is a daily battle for me.  What was my first instinct when I read that?  Go grab my medicines and take them, all of them!!  Depressed at times!!  

I am so tired of living through all of this crap, having to fight for a moment of peace and solace.  Trying to find things that make me happy.  Trying to remember where I have been and when I have been there.  I am so sick of it.  There has to be an end to this.  

I am so so sorry for laying this out there, but I promised when I started this blog, I would share the good and the bad.  This is a really bad day for me.  I get knocked down so easily, and kicked and kicked and kicked.

Maybe my problem is because I fight suicide so hard.  I fight it with all my might.  I see it as something that hurts those I love, maybe that was wrong to tell the mental health professionals.  Does that make me not want to do it, not even?  Each time I get closer to that fine line that separates sanity and insanity, in those horrible moments that I have to fight.  I sometimes wonder if they would not be better off without me here, their pain would hurt, but they would not have to deal with me day in and day out.  I hate being crazy.

That’s okay, “I am only depressed at times.” No problem.  It is not killing my family every time I call and tell them that I have those feelings.  It does not kill them every time they see “her” come out, because it is only “at times”.  

Depression was not the only thing on the claim either: migraines, diabetes, high blood pressure, constant anemia, and asthma.  That is okay, the government caters to who they want to cater to.  They want to kill the rest of us off.  I suppose I am on that kill off list.

I am sorry for getting political, but I am extremely upset right now.  My lawyer is appealing the case.  Most cases are denied the first time, but those words hurt me so bad.  Until then, I will continue with my therapy, stay in my ball, and hope that I can make it through one moment at a time, cause one moment seems like a very long time.

 

 

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About Hope

I am forty year old survivor and a five year old victim of sexual abuse. I live with severe depression and anxiety, and in 2013 was diagnosed with DID and PTSD. My journey is to reintegrate my alter and the adult me into a whole person, healthy person, and one that can empathize with others.

11 thoughts on “I’m Trying So Hard, But Failing Miserably

  1. I can’t imagine what you are going through right now. I can only say that you are stronger than you think. Can you have enough faith in yourself to know that your life has purpose? Writing this blog and sharing your honest feelings may be a part of that. Can you close your eyes for a moment and take a deep breath. And when you open your eyes, focus on an object of beauty…it exists everywhere around you. Please understand when you find that point of beauty that you are a part of it. That you shine along with it. Brighter than you can imagine. This IS truth. And I send you clarity so that you are able to see this, in yourself. For you are a shining light whether you realize that at this moment or not.

  2. Yeah hang in there. I actually heard that in trying to get disability for depression and anxiety is actually difficult but as long as you have persistence, you can get it. I’ve heard people say it took them a year to get, but they got it. For some reason its protocol to deny those cases on first claims. Almost like these insurance companies. Maybe they are just trying to weed out the liars, but I still thinks it hurts the people that really need the help. Its your persistence that’s going to make them listen to you. So don’t give up, they are just so “calling your bluff”. -Fant

  3. Oh, Hope! I am so sorry that you received such a brush-off/belittling response from the government. Know that you have people who follow your blog who are cheering you on to keep going. I know it seems impossible, and I know it is a daily battle…but please don’t do anything to hurt yourself. I am thankful for your blog, and it has been a comfort to me to know that there are others who going through the same things (not that I wish this on anyone!). Thinking of you and praying. ((hugs))

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