So I had this incredibly funny post this morning, after talking to the the disability board. I have tried to stay positive today, THEN I read the letter. I am so upset, and feel like my emotions are out of control. Starting at step one.
The letter said, “You may be depressed at times…” Depressed at times. What does that feel like? I would love to be depressed “at times”!! No, I do not have the privilege of being depressed at times. It is a daily battle for me. What was my first instinct when I read that? Go grab my medicines and take them, all of them!! Depressed at times!!
I am so tired of living through all of this crap, having to fight for a moment of peace and solace. Trying to find things that make me happy. Trying to remember where I have been and when I have been there. I am so sick of it. There has to be an end to this.
I am so so sorry for laying this out there, but I promised when I started this blog, I would share the good and the bad. This is a really bad day for me. I get knocked down so easily, and kicked and kicked and kicked.
Maybe my problem is because I fight suicide so hard. I fight it with all my might. I see it as something that hurts those I love, maybe that was wrong to tell the mental health professionals. Does that make me not want to do it, not even? Each time I get closer to that fine line that separates sanity and insanity, in those horrible moments that I have to fight. I sometimes wonder if they would not be better off without me here, their pain would hurt, but they would not have to deal with me day in and day out. I hate being crazy.
That’s okay, “I am only depressed at times.” No problem. It is not killing my family every time I call and tell them that I have those feelings. It does not kill them every time they see “her” come out, because it is only “at times”.
Depression was not the only thing on the claim either: migraines, diabetes, high blood pressure, constant anemia, and asthma. That is okay, the government caters to who they want to cater to. They want to kill the rest of us off. I suppose I am on that kill off list.
I am sorry for getting political, but I am extremely upset right now. My lawyer is appealing the case. Most cases are denied the first time, but those words hurt me so bad. Until then, I will continue with my therapy, stay in my ball, and hope that I can make it through one moment at a time, cause one moment seems like a very long time.