Baby Showers Are Hard

Tonight I went to a baby shower. It was difficult, to say the least. I absolutely love and adore the couple that I went for, and I am excited for them, but inwardly I hurt that it will never be me. I have so many emotions going on right now.

I am starting to understand my PTSD more. When one thing goes wrong, or is triggered, my whole world crumbles from the inside out. Remembering past traumas, I hate it. I suppose understanding it is one of the first steps to dealing with it.

I want to crawl away and hide right now. I just took a Maxalt for my head as there was peppermint at the shower. Life sometimes stinks even when it is really happy.

There were many things hidden behind my smiles tonight.

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About Hope

I am forty year old survivor and a five year old victim of sexual abuse. I live with severe depression and anxiety, and in 2013 was diagnosed with DID and PTSD. My journey is to reintegrate my alter and the adult me into a whole person, healthy person, and one that can empathize with others.

10 thoughts on “Baby Showers Are Hard

  1. Sending you a long, loving, squisshy, heart felt ‘web’ hug…It must have been an awful day, you done good to smile for your friends, and you reminded me that kind people are everywhere and will put themselves last for those they love and cherish…I hope life offers you another possible way and I’m sorry if I shouldn’t have said that…Love Dawny Xxx

  2. I too went to a baby shower last month. I’ve lost two baby boys already and I don’t know if I will ever have children. At the baby shower, my friend asked me in front of everyone “when will I have kids”? She’s a fairly new friend, so she doesn’t know much about my past. I just responded by saying “probably never” and she laughed but she didn’t ask any more questions. The whole time after that I was holding back the tears. I was glad that I went because I get tired of being the person people whisper around when they talk about babies. I wanted to show myself and others I could handle it and I didn’t want to tell her I couldn’t come because I would have to explain to her why and I didn’t want her to think I was asking for a pity party. So I went, but I cried when I got home. I understand your hurt. People don’t understand what it’s like to grieve infertility. I feel like I have grieve alone and put up a front and be happy for other people. I think it’s normal for you to feel happy for her but sad for yourself at the sametime. I think you are doing the best you can to deal with those feelings as they come. If it means that today is a bad day, its just a bad day. Sometimes we just have to accept our feelings and how we feel without judging ourselves to be able to revisit those thoughts with a lesser sting. You are doing just fine! Just wanted to share my similar experience. Have a goodnight! -Fant

    1. Thank you for sharing. My heart cries with you. infertility and secondary infertility are awful. I have friends that deal with secondary, people just do not understand. Words hurt, looks hurt. Sympathy hurts. Though you would not wish it on anyone, I am grateful for those who have true empathy. I was never able to get pregnant, and then had a radiacal hysterectomy for uterine cancer in 2011. Because of the things I have gone through I know the questions NOT to ask the newlywed couples about their future family. You never know what hides behind the smiles.

  3. I tell myself that I’m okay with it now. That 16 years of infertility is long enough. That it doesn’t bother me anymore. But it does. It always will. I know how difficult it is to keep that smile on your face for the benefit of friends and family, even though your happiness for them is genuine. And I know it’s hard for you, but you’ve always been sincere in your joy for others, and I’ve always respected you for that. I’m sorry yesterday was tough.

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