Not Too Difficult To Negotiate With A Tired Husband, or When You Mention Bread

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My husband is exhausted.  He has been working extra hard at his job as a government contractor with a project going on there, and then working a side job for two or three hours every night.  When I mentioned my idea he as pretty happy.  

Honestly I think he turned everything off when I said I would cook bread tomorrow for ham sandwiches and a picnic Saturday as we go to the Island.  Give that man my bread, and he is in heaven.   It is an Amish recipe that I learned with I worked at a Mennonite bakery here in town when I first graduated high school.  

He is going to talk to his pal and see what he thinks.  Looks like they will explore Savannah tomorrow while my hubs is at work.  Then my suggestion is that they head down to Brunswick to find a cheaper room for Friday night.  We can then head down Saturday Morning and spend some time with them, before they road trip it out.

This couple is living the life of Riley right now.  They sold their house, other vehicles, both quit their jobs, and now are exploring the country.  They do not have children at home.  They are in their early 40’s.  Living their dreams now.  Both lost their parents relatively young, and I suppose that could be part of this.  Doing it now, while they can, and enjoy it. They also wanted to live off the grid for a while.  Funny.  I admire them, and think they are absolutely nutters in the same breath.  

I have too much, I do not know…aside from BILLS, I have too much…hmmm, connection to home to and I do not know the word I am looking for to do it.  Not to mention I am a wimp too.  I have seen how the hubs drives when he is tired.  No, but seriously, being that far away from everything and everyone that I hold dear, except my hubs, our car, and a few clothes.  I cannot image it.  We would need a train.  One car for us and our dogs, one for my parents, one for my sister, and one for my other sister and her family.  I do not say my brother because I do not think he would ever come, and he can fend for himself.  I can’t imagine life without him, but he would get to us if we needed him.  My sisters, though they live several cities away from me now, if I were going to travel, really travel, I would need them close.  My family grounds me.  

Changing gears for a moment, through all of this PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety my family has been constant.  Though my mind plays games that they would go away, the reality is they will never leave me, nor I them.  We are like those train cars.  So, I suppose somewhere on the tracks, my little brother is going to meet up with us occasionally like he does really, check in let us know in his own special way how much he really does love and care for us, then boogey on along.  The railway connects us.  We are an eternal family.  I am so blessed.  I love my family so much, I cannot express that enough.  Sometimes it is hard to express through the other emotions, and I come off as selfish.  I really do not mean to, I am fighting so hard to come back.  I hope you see me.  I am coming.  

Okay, I just read the title of this post.  Did I mention something I also tend to do is ramble when I am exhausted.  Free flow writing I suppose.  You get to see who I REALLY am.  From talking about the friends in the area to my family the train.  I have not completely lost it, I promise.

Life is interesting.  This last week I have felt things are starting to seem clearer.  I cannot explain it.  Imagine going to river and dipping up water in a glass and scrapping the bottom as you do.  When you bring it up, all you can see it the mud, muck, grass, leaves, debris, and whatever floating around.  While you are working through things you are never holding the glass completely still, so it is staying stirred up.  Some items you can remove like a floating piece of grass, those are easier, but they still require you to work to remove them so they do not catch your eye every time you look at your glass.  Other items, are much more difficult to work on, they are obscured by the other items in their way, your hand cannot quite reach it, you are afraid you will break your glass, whatever the reason.  They are just harder.  You have to work harder.  This is your glass, no one else’s.  You have to take your time.  Others may not even see the things that you can see in the glass, often times they do not because you do not want them to, you protect it, or sometimes they do not want to.  Either way that is okay.  It is your glass.  This is your time to clean it.  For me, as I have taken some of the larger stone that were at the bottom of the glass out this week, examined them and continue to work with them outside my glass, I realize that I am not disturbing the water in my glass as much.  Some of those small minute particles that were making the water so unclear, is settling and I can see much clearer.  I still have a long way to go before the water is pure, but to be able to see through something that was so murky just a week ago, makes me so grateful, so very, very grateful.

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About Hope

I am forty year old survivor and a five year old victim of sexual abuse. I live with severe depression and anxiety, and in 2013 was diagnosed with DID and PTSD. My journey is to reintegrate my alter and the adult me into a whole person, healthy person, and one that can empathize with others.

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