Somewhere inside of me is the person that existed from 1994 – 1997, during that time I cared about who I was and who I wanted to be. No one pressured me to excercise, I would get off work put on my walking shoes and walk. It became a way of life for me. I lost weight and gain confidence. I enjoyed the beauties of nature as I walked by the Provo River. Sometimes I would begin down in southern Provo on a walking trail and walk to a small park with ducks, then turn around and head back, other times I would drive up into Provo Canyon and start walking at Vivian Park. The cool air refreshed my body as much as my soul. Sometimes I would walk alone, other times I would invite friends. It all depended on what pace I wanted to take and what else I wanted to accomplish. I enjoyed walking. I enjoyed the burn in my lungs if I pushed myself just alittle bit harder. I loved the clarity of thought that the extra oxygen circulating through my body gave me. I love the moments alone in quiet reflection with God and his creations.
I do not think I even owned a scale back then. Though losing weight and feeling better about myself was a result, and part of the reason I started walking the rewards were more than the number going down. I was finding the person that I had hidden away for so many years of my mascarade.
In therapy now, I seem to be stuck longing for that person, those days, and experiences lived in those three years nearly twenty years ago. It just does not seem like it is that long ago.
I suppose I long to have the confidence and will that I once had. Walking miles and miles now, impossible. I walk down to my parents house just a few steps behind my own. The walk that once had a pep to it is now a waddle. Once there am seriously winded and my back hurts horribly.
I do not know how to reclaim that walk, will, and courage. I do not know how to free that 25 year old body from inside this 39 year old going on 60 year old body.
I have read self help books, but I cannot find myself in them. If that makes sense. You need to really connect and see yourself somewhere before it works, and I have yet to do that. My prayer is that as I work through my other issues like peeling an onion, I will find me and appreciate me, and then be able to make that first step again.
I suppose I am rambling as I often do. This post was prompted by the Daily Post Challenge: Fit to Write writing challenge. For me my physical fitness and my mental fitness are so closely woven together that it is a catch-22 I suppose, one day I hope to find that magic thread that allows me to let go enough to relax and enjoy the journey of discovery in finding me both physically and emotionally.