Be Here At 8:20

“You are the first patient.” I was told last week. I walk today in a waiting room full of people.

It is now 8:35. If I was not anxious before.

I also questioned my copayment from last week, from the PA that said my case was too complex and he could not work with me, not after talking to me, but after looking at my medications. I am told that I was told that he did a “full psychiatric evaluation”. I call foul.

He said he could not handle my case and referred me to another doctor…a real doctor, my words not his, in the practice.

I am tired. Finding a good psychiatrist is so so hard. Find a good therapist was too, but I did. I am worried and having my doubts about the psychiatrist.

8:46 I am still waiting. Others have been called back. Urgh.

I do not know why people with mental health issues completely lose it. The system, insurance to many of the providers are a joke. The government does not take it serious either. For people without a support system, I can see how easy it would be to say forget this world that has forgotten me. I’ll show you. Even with a support system, even with faith, sometimes life is just too much. Life’s norms for someone without a mental illness, can be detrimental life altering to those of us in a mental health crisis.

8:57 still waiting. We wish we could explain what we are feeling or why, but often it comes out as tears, anger, or sometimes a blank stare. Feeling empty and full of chaos at the same time.

9:30 I’m out. I think I found a good one. He seems compassionate and knowledgeable. Explains that my PTSD is amplified by having depression and anxiety. He is going to treat the PTSD and see if the depression and anxiety will become manageable.

I like that he wants to work with my internist and not just assuming the all knowing role.

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About Hope

I am forty year old survivor and a five year old victim of sexual abuse. I live with severe depression and anxiety, and in 2013 was diagnosed with DID and PTSD. My journey is to reintegrate my alter and the adult me into a whole person, healthy person, and one that can empathize with others.

2 thoughts on “Be Here At 8:20

  1. I’m so glad you found a therapist you are happy with. Depression and anxiety are awful but I’m here to tell you, you CAN get better. After years of episodes I’m now depression-free. No meds. It took a lot of work and I believe my faith in God played a large hand in it. Good luck. I know you’re going to get better. Check in with my at “depressionsgift.com” and let me know how you’re doing.

    God bless.

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