I have always loved children. Never been afraid of them or timid around them. Lately though, I have found myself hiding and terrified. I can say that I walk on glass around myself, afraid that I will wake the sleeping child within. She scares me. I am held hostage by her.
I feel my anxiety sky rocketing. I know that I am not communicating with those around me like I need to. I am scared of life, and any wave that might come and make her surface. The smallest ripple sets my PTSD off and it seems to be like shaking her awake.
The first few times I experienced her, I felt bad for her. I still do, to a point but more than anything I am angry and scared of her now. In her insecurities and fears, the fact she does not recognize the promises that I have made. I do not know how to deal with that. I do not want her to return, but if she does I want her to make the same promises that I have made. I am referring to the promise I made my Mother that I would not kill myself, that I would always reach out for help.
Honestly I have tried to absorb myself in TV so that I do not have to deal with real life. I know that is not healthy. There are things that I need to do.
Tonight though I am turning Glee back on.