What’s In A Name

What is in a name? Those words keep coming to mind today.

When I started this blog I specifically chose the nome de plume Hope. Hope according to Webster means:

: the feeling of wanting something to happen and thinking that it could happen : a feeling that something good will happen or be true

: the chance that something good will happen

: someone or something that may be able to provide help : someone or something that gives you a reason for hoping

Each of these meanings encapsulated what and who I wanted to be on my blog and who I want to come out on the other side of this journey. As an adult, I recognize that I use that name to write behind, and it is a symbolic representation of who I am. Something I am learning in therapy about my alter that it so hard to grasp, is she processes things like a child.

Have you ever jokingly called a child by another name? It might be cute a time or two, but children get pretty defiant about their names. That is their identity. These last few days as I have thought about this child, and in essence tried to mother her and understand her, I look towards the children that I have worked with through the years as my mentors.

I remember one child that I had the hardest time remembering her name, and then once I remembered it, learning to spell it was a completely new endeavor. Each time I would forget her name her face would sink, I felt horrible. Same when I spelled it incorrectly. Her expression showed that she did not feel as important as the other children or even forgotten. Which was not the case, gratefully I corrected my problem and she smiles alot now.

So what is in a name? My name is Shanna. My name means God is gracious. When put on a scale Hope and Shanna, the meanings are very similiar. I know that I CAN do all things through Christ that strengthens me. I am Shanna. I will always be Shanna. I have always been Shanna, except for the first six weeks when I was Nicki, but my Daddy decided I was Shanna. He was right, I AM SHANNA.

Little Shanna his hurt and angry that I do not use our name on a regular basis on this blog. I did not understand why until I realized that is her identity. She is already so afraid of being alone and forgotten. I will never let her be alone and forgotten again, but I am still going to go by Hope. I might occassionally name drop, Shanna, just to remind her, but I am the adult, and I need to do what is best for us.

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About Hope

I am forty year old survivor and a five year old victim of sexual abuse. I live with severe depression and anxiety, and in 2013 was diagnosed with DID and PTSD. My journey is to reintegrate my alter and the adult me into a whole person, healthy person, and one that can empathize with others.

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