Category Archives: Hobbies

Why I Blog and A Question

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One of the reasons I stopped blogging a few months ago was because I was so caught up in numbers.  Worrying about my stats daily.  Am I being boring?  What are my readers thinking?  Between that and Little Hope angry that I called her Hope, it just became too much.

Today I have thought about what drives me to write.  Mainly to get the thoughts out to calm me.  Others is to connect with others.  I hope my words do reach others, and somehow help them.  Even it is helps them, helps YOU not feel so alone.

Originally I had hoped to make money blogging, but I know my blog is not going to ever make money.  It is not about a money-making topic that brings people in droves.  Maybe down the road when I am farther along in my journey, I will visit that idea again.  Right now I want to focus on quality posts about my life.

This is the life I am living.  This blog is much more than a blog to me, it is my online journal.  I am going to treat it as such.  I hope as I do you do not get bored reading.  Gratefully, some days are boring.  I long for those days.  Days that I can say, “Today I cleaned house and cooked dinner.”  Of course I will go into more details, and talk more about what I am feeling.

I do have a QUESTION. Before my hiatus when I blogged at the bottom in visual mode it offered suggestions on blogs that I could pingback to, blogs that had similar subject matter.  I do not see this anymore.  Is there something that I need to activate to get that back or what?  I do not remember what it is called.  I would love to have that option again.  I think it was a great way to network in our blogging community.  If you know what it is or how I can get it back PLEASE let me know.  Thanks!

I hope you all have a wonderful night! -Hope

Can YOU Help Me?

Today I have been in bed all day with a headache.  I keep telling myself that I need to get up and do something, but I do not have the energy.  Between my head throbbing and the medication zapping me.  I keep saying I will use my energy to cook supper.  I am cooking Chicken Parmesan tonight.

I have been more down today emotionally too.  I do not know why.  I suppose it could be the rain coming.  I know that is probably why my head is throbbing.  The barometric pressure reeks havoc on my brain.

So anyway, I need your help.

I am working on filling my MP3 with music that I can listen to when I need to disconnect the emotional fuse, or when I am depressed.  

What songs do you think I should put on my MP3?  What are some uplifting, not necessarily church, but it can be, music that inspires you. What about relaxes you? What about funny songs?  I do not listen to music with swearing, but I’m pretty much open to all styles.

Thank you so much in advance for your help!

Picture Pages, Picture Pages

Before the madness took over, I was into couponing. I taught a couple of classes even. I was not extreme like the TLC show, but through diligence and planning I saved quite a chunk of change. I still subscribe to a few of the mailing list and bloggers that taught me the art of stretching my penny.

So this morning when I looked through my Facebook, I saw a post that excited me. FREE 20 page photo book and FREE shipping. Two different codes, but stackable. I was super excited. I sorted and plowed through my digital photography. Uploaded each specially chosen one to the Walgreens website. Designed my book. Writing memories and capturing the story behind the pictures. Before long I had spent several hours designing my book. My neck and back aching from sitting at the computer, but I loved what would be my finished product.

Eagerly I proceeded to checkout. Entering my first coupon it took the cost of the book itself down to $0, then I entered the second code for the free shipping. Big red letters alerted me that I was not allowed to use it because it expired two days ago. My total came to $2.99. I am such a tight wad that I could not do it. My husband told me that I should, but I ended up getting busy doing other things. Now it is after midnight and that offer has expired. Oh well.

I guess the lesson for me is finding joy in the journey. It is not always about the finished product or the destination.

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Hello 2014, What Do You Hold In Your View?

I’m here. Yeah, still alive and breathing which is a plus. The last few months have been tricky and remain so. I had surgery in November on my neck for a herniated disk. My back is still giving me a fit and finding a comfortable position to sleep almost impossible.

Little Hope continues to cause to make my life a mess. I refuse to acknowledge her as part of me. My life has become that of a recluse because of the prison which she holds me in. Fearing constantly that she will take over. She ruined my family Christmas for me. Showing herself to my extended family. I hate her. I wish she would go away. You hear the cliché in movies that there is only room for one of us in this town, well that is how I feel about my body and mind.

As I write the tension and the anxiety wells up inside. I have been anxious for several days, fearing that something is going to happen to someone I love. Not that anxiety is new. This is just constant. I hear a siren, I turn on the scanner, or call my loved ones. Irrational I know, but I cannot shake the feeling. At night I wake up to feel my husband breathing, to feel his warm skin. When my Mother and I return from a doctor, I scan the sky for smoke to make sure our homes have not caught on fire while we are gone. When we pull in, I scan the yard to make sure my Daddy has not fallen. I am in a constant state of worry. As they read this, it will be the first time my family hears some of it. I am ashamed of it, but it is my life, if that is what it can be called.

I determined myself to start writing again, not allow the little bully within to stop me. I apologize for the negative post, I am trying to get the emotions out. Trying to be real.

What does 2014 hold? A lot more therapy. I hope I can learn to control the monster within. I am sorry such horrible things happened to her, they happened to me too, but she needs to let me be the adult and live. I try to explain to her that she is safe, and that she will be happy if she lets me live. She does not trust me. She often screams loudly in my mind. “If you are sad you must die.” or “That’s not fair. That’s not fair to me.” She does not want me to be sad, or to be too happy. So I live in limbo. Reclusive.

I communicate with friends and family via Facebook and texting. My immediate family I talk to on the phone or at my parents home. I cannot even attend Church right now because of panic attacks being around people. I miss going to Church. I miss spending time out. I miss me.

I do have hope for 2014. Hope that I can press forward and get to know the new me, and feel comfortable in my own skin. Hope that I will walk back into Church without a panic attack. Hope that will be able to date my husband again, I miss our dates. Hope of shopping trips with my Mother. Yes, others have resolutions of weight-loss and exercise. It goes without saying that I need to have those things on my list, but that will come.

On the Road Again

Ah yes, another doctor appointment, another roadtrip. So tell me is it just a Southern thing to do this?

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I love my dogs, and would be terrified to pieces to have them in the back of a pick up like this, but gosh this pup looked like he was having a ball. I love Labradors!

We will see how much of a post I can actually write tonight. I have already taken part of my night meds. The part that makes me really sleepy. Zzzzzzzz

My meds were changed again today to Effexor XR. Supposedly the first line of the defense for PTSD, and also works for depression. I remember being on Effexor years ago, but do not know if it was the XR. He said the the XR does not flush through your system before your next dose so you have a constant level. This is very good. I am crossing my fingers.

I had all these thoughts going through my head to blog about now I just want my CPAP mask and my blanket up to my nose and surrender to the sleep.

Looking for Courage and Motivation

As I have mentioned before, I have this battle within myself. Little Hope is trying to keep me to herself, and I, in fear of upsetting her, spend most of my time alone. This weekend my siblings and extended family came in. Though anxious initially at the thought of being around everyone and a few times during the party, I was able to enjoy some time with family. I cannot express how grateful I am for that.

I am trying to find the courage within to do those things that will help me and motivate me to be stronger.

Blogging again is one of those baby steps. I enjoy writing. Words delight me. They are my friends. They can be my weapon, my sauve, my mask, the real me. Words can be what I need them to be. I love words.

The other is my photography. I took up the hobby of photography not too long ago as part of my healing journey. I receive joy in the moments in time that can be captured in a photo. The last several weeks out of fear of upsetting Little Hope, I placed my camera aside. I decided that I would pick my camera back up and find treasures that are placed for me to discover that will give me moments joy.

It may sound simple. Writing and photography, two creative fun things. I do not want to negate the beauty and peace that I will get in the long run, but right now I still have the anxiety because of that battle. I pray that the tenacity that I have always had will kick in and I will stick to these two goals.

Saturday I took this picture of Tender Mercy. She is a sweet angel doe that comes on days that we are having a difficult time. Saturday was the day of the party, I was very anxious. My nephew came in and said, “There is a deer out here.” I knew exactly why she had been sent.

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Where’s The Sense

I cancelled my therapy appointment today because of a migraine. While I was cancelling my appointment here in South Georgia, in DC a horrible scene taking place in the Naval Yard. Since then, my eyes have been glued to the screen and my heart has not been far from those involved. My Mother wanting me to take care of myself and get rid of my migraine told me to turn off the TV, but I cannot. I want to make sense of it. I want to be with those that are hurting. I have always been one that gets sucked into any tragedy that happens as if I were there. No, not to make it about me, I just hurt for others.

I do have a friend that works at the Pentagon and I checked in with her. She was fine.

My husband works on a military base. I immediately called him. We imagine our military bases to be the safest places, but anyone with a driver’s license can get on. You might need to go through the day pass line, but you can get on, and unless you are the one that draws the unlucky card, your car is not even searched. I have been through the gates hundreds of times and never had a search.

I know I am a worry wart. I over think things. I wish I could take all those I love and put them in a bubble and keep them safe, forever.

Guard Frog

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This guy is growing, emphasis on growing, into an awesome guard frog. He is HUGE, looks like a mutant when next to his froggy pals. That is a watering bucket outside my door that he was proudly perched on when we came home last night.

It’s My Life

It is hard to say whether or not I should consider my last few weeks as eventful. Most of my days have been spent in my room with my blankets pulled up to my nose while I watch a Glee Marathon now I am on to Party of Five. I had brief breaks from the shows to watch movies, and a couple of days of doctor appointments, I vetured down to my parents a couple of times, and then I attempted to cook supper for my husband maybe three times. I also went to church on Sunday, but ended up coming home.

My life has become very sheltered. The last couple of days I have found words to describe how I feel. You see people in abusive relationships. They become imprisioned and cut off from their support system by their abuser. That is what I feel like “Little Hope” is trying to do to me. I do not know if she thinks that is her way of protecting me or manipulating me. I really feel like her wanting to kill me is her feeling like she has been the one that has protected us for all these years, and if I go away she will still be here strong, and I will not be hurting. Death through the eyes of a child is like it plays out on a cartoon, you come right back. I do not know if she realizes that we or she would not come right back. I do not know. I can only guess what she is thinking and feeling, and go by the memories and feelings that I have after she has manifested herself. Sometimes I am present with her as an imprisoned bystander and others I have very little memory to no memory that she took over.

Our minds are facinating and terrifying things. Though this Little One is me, because of her defiance, I do not feel any connection to her. When I think back to me as a child, that is not how I was.

Earlier this week my young cousin told her Mom that her teacher had gotten angry threw her folder, scattering papers everywhere, and then told the child that it was her fault to clean it up. When confronted the teacher lied infront of the Principal and then my little cousin was given a lecture about lying. Gratefully her peers came forward and backed her story and she has now been transferred out of that class.

My cousin’s courage gave me the courage to seek out my abusive teacher. It scares me that she is still a teacher, but I also know people can change. I first wrote her to verify that it was indeed her. It was and she remembered me. My anxiety shot through the roof when the last words she wrote were “Good to hear from a former student.”

She had no idea what I was about to write. Being the person I am and truly hoping she has changed, I wrote in the sandwhich method that I learned in management training years ago. Good BAD Good. Meaning good news and nice, bad news and harsh, good news and nice again.

I based the good news and nice on the few things she told me in her first email, and then I reminded her exactly who I was. I detailed the things she did to me and how they made me feel, then and now. I also let her know that I spoke to others in my class and without prompting they had the same memories. They also have their own stories to tell. I let her know that I was giving voice to the child that did not have one back then.

I let her know some of the good things that have happened in my life and that we share the love of working with those that have special needs. She changed from regular ed and is now a special needs teacher. I also commended her for getting out of teaching for a while to raise her boys. My Mother was a stay at home mom, and it was so important to me. I know not everyone can.

There were several things that I mentioned. I tried to express that I was not coming down on the person she is today, but in hopes of forgiving her I needed to let her know what it had done to me. I need to heal.

Sadly, I have not heard back from her. No apology, no excuses, no nothing. Now, it worries me that she still teaches. In my heart of hearts, I really thought as an mature adult, realizing what her actions had done, she would have apologized. I have now drafted a letter to her Principal, but have not hit send. I know her Principal well. I am waiting, in the hopes she is just processing the information. I know I should not expect and apology, I just hoped.

After writing the letter to her I spoke outloud, letting “Little Hope” know that I have taken care of it. She can become one with me and know that she will not be forgotten, but I will take care of us. I do not know if she heard me or not. She seems to listen in on my other conversations.

Yesterday when my husband and I where having lunch together, we were talking about teachers. I do not remember exactly what he said. I excused myself to to restroom. While in there she fought so hard to manifest, I knew I needed to get back out to my husband. I do not know what set her off. I do not know if she got full control or not, I was fighting so hard for her not to. I have not asked my husband, I remember seeing fear in his eyes. He kept saying we could go, but I remember telling him no that I needed him to get his dessert. I felt like she was trying to control that situation, she did not want him to be able to have his dessert, he has been waiting for that for a while. She knew I would feel awful if it was my fault that he did not have it. I do not remember him eating it or leaving.

Today is Saturday. I have family coming in. I am praying for a good day with no suprise guests.

Wordless Wednesday: A Day At The Beach

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Island of Misfit Toys. A child had left these out on the sandbar, alone they sat, waiting for little hands to play with them.

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You Lookin’ At Me?

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Sunset as we were leaving the island, driving over the causeway.