Tag Archives: Anger

The Three Faces of Me

 

The Three Faces of Eve
The Three Faces of Eve (Photo credit: junibears)

During therapy yesterday Dr. R mentioned the movie The Three Faces of Eve.  Since The Mean One has come out fighting this week,  I feel like I need to understand what is going on with me.

Watching the movie helped me understand somethings that I have been trying to understand, the way they communicate, among themselves, and with me. Having these awful headaches more frequently also, a similarity.

I hate being like this.  I have always been the person to take care of everything.  I handled our bills, dealing with any and all business for us.  Now if the slightest ripple in the plans or transactions happen, that rock my boat, that cause me any negative emotion The Mean One thinks of it as an open invitation to take over.

In therapy we discussed acknowledging her and her anger.  Last night when she came out at something so minor and stupid, I did just that.  I tried to acknowledge her anger.  I begged her to tell me why she was so angry.  That seemed to make her more angry.  Little Shanna then pushed her way forward, and was so scared.  She asked for Mother.  I am proud of her for doing that.  Tracy called Mother for her and Mother was able to calm her enough for me to push back forward.

Something needs to give.  I hate this.

Thanks for reading.  ~Hope

 

 

 

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Oh What A Beautiful Morning!

Oh What A Beautiful Morning!

Photo Credits: oscarroadtrip.com

I woke up bright and early. Called my most favorite triple play cable provider, to resolve our issues. I came pretty close to blowing a gasket when I found out that the gateway was not shipped yesterday as I was promised. Yep, burnt this gal’s biscuits.

I asked the status of my discounts. He saw where the discount for the shipping was to be given, but not the service. Oh no, I do not think so. When I was off the phone with him, I had a credit of $32 dollars on my bill, and his name and a confirmation.

Then on to the next representative because Mr. Credit had said that he could only issue the credits, he could not resolve the shipping issue. The clincher was that it was not put in for overnight, but that it would ship in 3-5 days. UNACCEPTABLE! (I do want to say that the representatives I have spoken with are very very nice, and I am trying to keep my cool while demanding what I am paying for. In my demanding I apologize that they are cleaning up the mess of others and getting the brunt of my wrath.)

So, LaQuesha, oh dear LaQuesha, she updated the system so I should get the gateway Monday or Tuesday. She is not sure with all the changes if they are shipping on Saturday. If they do, she has for it to go out, if not it WILL go out on Monday Priority Overnight.

So to calm myself after the events this morning it is a musical morning. I am in a Broadway morning. Yeah, finding all kinds of musicals on YouTube.

Make it a beautiful day! ~Hope

How Do I Begin? It’s THURSDAY!

already-thursday

 

Oh yes, if any day of the week is cursed it is Thursday, no not Monday as everyone simply assumes.  Thursday takes the most vile day of the week award. Everything bad seems to happen on Thursday.  

It probably began with my sleepless night.  It was well after 3:00 before I went to sleep. Do not suppose it was rainbows and unicorns that I dreamed of. Terrors filled my sleep including dreams of beating someone up then pulling that individual by her wrist to the kitchen where my parents keep their medicine, calling my Mother and the rest of our family in the room just as I swallowed the bottle of Xanax. It was awful.  All night I had dreams about this individual and different scenarios, I hated it.  

Generally when my husband leaves for work in the morning our thing to do is for me to get up and hug and kiss him goodbye.  This morning, exhausted, I just rolled over and asked him to hug me in bed, and tried to go back to sleep.  I hoped the nightmares would end and I would sleep.  I was able to get some sleep, but Daisy needed to go out

Then this afternoon. Then it started. I worked on my MP3s.  My new player does not work. Lovely. They are supposed to call me back when they issue the call tag to come and pick it up.  

I received a phone call, I did not recognize the number.  I did not answer.  They called right back.  So I assumed it was the service center.  How wrong I was.  It was a scammer.  After going on a bit about the scam, and my insistence that I knew it was a scam he finally admitted that he was trying to scam me. I was shocked by his admission. He said he wanted to be my friend. Was this a joke? He went into why he was doing this “job”.  I talked to him about his children and that him getting caught is going to ruin their lives, and they will be very hurt and feel abandoned and betrayed.  I talked to him about making things right.  Then conversation became weirder and more uncomfortable.  Soon he asked when he could call me again.  Stating he really enjoys talking to me.  What?  What just happened here?  I was just encouraging him to seek gainful, honest employment, to pray, and look for a church family.

My cousin teases me that I should write a book about my life.  I can get myself into some of the worst predicaments. I suppose a blog will do for now.

I am nervous as all get out.  This guy has my name, phone number, and so he has my address.  I called and reported the information to the FBI. In hopes that anyone else does not fall for these scammers.  They are many.  

The FBI explained it to me. These scammers HERE IN THE US…They buy drop phones with 876 area codes. There are other area codes they use too. (The area codes are places like Jamaica, The Virgin Islands, and Puerto Rio.)  Just do not answer any number with 876 unless you have family or friends there.  They use the catch line of you have won the lottery or your family is on a cruise and are very sick, or something like that.  When you call back you are charged a huge toll, phone companies do not cover it, they say it is between you and the company you called. This guy sounded like he was new at it or that he really did not want to do it.  He was stumbling over his words nervously from the beginning.  It is sad that people resort to this kind of life, some feeling it is their last and only resort.  It leaves their victims without anything and without trust.  Honestly it is a no win situation.

It is depressing the state that our world is in now.  I felt bad calling the FBI, but I also felt like it was the responsible thing to do.  

One thing I know for sure. I am ready for Friday. Another thing, I know. I am ready for dinner. My tummy is rumbling.

 

 

Thanks for reading about my crazy life. ~Hope

Sink or Swim, I Thought Fat Floated

No surprise I am emotional today, I am every day. I have glimpses into light and peace. I did so as I studied and read the scriptures, and listened to uplifting music this morning. However, much like an egg on perfectly seasoned non-stick surface thrown into the air, so went my brief feelings of joy. Back into the abyss I sink.

I talked to my lawyer earlier this week and he said the disability judge is running fourteen months behind, so my case will not be heard until probably next December (2014). It is so frustrating. Confusing too, the emotions I feel. I am so terrified being in public right now, going to a hearing around people scares me. When I am scared and overly emotionally Little Hope seems to have the upper hand. It has been a HUGE fear getting in front of the judge and she come out. It will leave me unpresent not knowing what is going on or how to answer any questions. Not to mention if she pulls one of her fits.

Something I realized today, I beat myself up over things before they happen. I create elaborate scenarios in my head, stupid what if scenarios. Example in point. I let Daisy and Roscoe out in our fenced in backyard. While they did their business I figured I would do mine. (TMI moment coming) My stomach was bothering me and I stayed in there a few more minutes than I originally thought. I start panicking that Roscoe and Daisy have dug out of the yard. (Completely out of character for Roscoe, and Daisy too if she is not with Gage.) But it was real to me. I could not hear them in them playing outside the window. I just knew they were gone. Daisy has a chip, Roscoe does not. They are going to get hit by a car. Tracy is not home to help me find them. It is my fault that I ate the Oreos, because I know those and my Metformin mess my stomach up. I am not going to be able to live with myself. (I am trying to hurry so I can go find them, but my stomach would not cooperate.) By this point I was almost in tears and shaking. I hear the neighbors dogs barking, then my parents dogs barking. My fears are confirmed, they have escaped. Why else would all the neighborhood dogs bark. I have got to get out of this bathroom!! Why did I eat those stupid Oreos!! Those Oreos killed my dogs. Then I heard it, outside my bathroom window, inside the fence, Daisy’s beautiful bark. The same bark that annoys me at 3:00 in the morning.

My epiphany came as I walked to the door to let them in. I am always finding reason to hate me, real or imagined.

In therapy we have talked how I blame myself for all the bad things that have happened to me, part of it for me is to give any others involved a free pass. The deeper part is in most cases I feel like something I have done caused it.

I’m fat. I have heard I am fat because I would eat at my Granny’s and my home. I cry as I type that. In my mind being fat has been the root of many of my problems. For those who say lose the weight, let me say, if there is a diet, I have tried it. I have owned several exercise machines, walked, swam, danced, kickboxed, you name it. I would lose some, and breathe and gain weight again and the pounds I lost would bring family members and friends.

So again I am fat, it is my fault. I got that. It is there. I cannot shake it. Enter the teen years and puberty, I get something that “fat girls” get Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I’m fat. I caused it. My fault. Through the years I was told that I would have trouble getting pregnant. Lose weight they say, but PCOS makes you gain too. So being fat made me have something that makes me gain weight. Anyway, losing weight nor medication helped. Infertility=No Child because I am fat! My Fault! But wait, there’s more! I wanted a child so bad. My self-esteem so low I am easy prey. All the signs were there that the baby did not exist, but I believed her. Everyone hurt because of my dream and my gullibility. Then instead of my womb producing something beautiful, it produced something ugly, cancer. Cancer, that was my fault because I am fat. Now my heart is enlarged and thick, I have asthma, degenerative back disease, diabetes, and several other things…and why??? BECAUSE I AM FAT!!!

So why do I hate myself? I wonder?

Fat provides a cruel floating illusion, when in reality it acts as a millstone securely placed pulling you into the deepest your abyss.

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Please Do Not Make Me Angry, You May Not Like ME When I Am Angry

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So, I started off with my Find the Good Friday Post. I did that for a reason. I am still working on computer issues. Day 4.

Let me tell you one thing, one upon a time, not so long ago, I had the patience of Job when dealing with computers coupled with the tenacity it took to stand up to the challenge. Now, the patience is long gone, stress level and anxiety way up, but the stinking tenacity is still there. Not a good combination! For me or for the ISP that is the root of all evil computer issues this week.

We received a letter from our ISP stating that our cable modem qualified for a free upgrade, this upgrade would allow for faster connection speeds. Great when you watch television and videos like we do over the internet. When I called in to have ours shipped,  I explained how our network was set up through our own router, that we did not need the wireless modem/gateway, just the modem. When it arrived it was wireless.

We tried hooking everything up to it, but no deal. Our printer would not work. URGH! I called back spoke to them and explained again. “Sure no problem, we will send you one that is not wireless. And remember we are open 24/7 as a part of our customer satisfaction guarantee.” Yada yada yada…

During this time we could still print from our desktop. Whew hoo! When the new modem arrives, my husband sets it up. I come home, call, and have it activated. Guess what? The wireless blue light special is shining.  Yep, they had not de-activated the wireless on it. Something with this modem played games with our network. Now the printer no longer works with the desktop. Oh joy!  This is not helping my level of frustration one bit.

I call and talk to several reps who keep trying to send me to Comcast oops, I mean my ISPs Signature Support. Do you know what Signature Support is? It is a fee based support. Fee based support for their equipment. Yeah, you rent this modem from them, the day you receive, if you have problems they want to send you to a fee based support.  Sounds like a way to have “100% Customer Satisfaction Guarantee” to me. I just received it, and they want to charge me to fix their equipment.  I just cannot get over it.  Can we say, ummm, NO!

After several hours and several representatives later, I finally spoke to one that had a brain larger than Amoeba. She was actually smart and was not reading from a script. She listened to me, and did not hear printer, and assume that I was calling in for a printer. She turned off the wireless, everything was working great. UNTIL she transferred me to the rep that was supposed to activate the telephone part of the modem. When she did, whatever she did, killed the modem and my phone. When I say killed, I mean killed. No pulse. None CPR can be done. Stick a fork in them. I bit later, I talked to another CSR, hoping she would correct the problem.  She however,  did not know what she was doing. She answered the phone laughing. She was completely unprofessional, and the call center she was in, the supervisor needed to teach them some professionalism. One of her colleagues was yelling at a customer very rudely in the background.  I made a comment about that  not being professional and that I could hear the customer being yelled at. I ran a call center. I do not care what the customer says, you escalate the call, you do not yell at the customer. She took up for her colleague. “She has been on the phone with this customer for 30 minutes.” I said, “I have been dealing with Comcast since 4:00, she needs to think what the customer might be feeling.” This is about 8 hours of dealing with some sort of Comcast rep. I have no phone, no internet, no printer, no PC (I’ll explain the PC below). AND I AM LIVID!!!! The Hulk as nothing on this south Georgia girl who at this point has forgotten to take her medicine because she is dealing with ignorant people and computer stuff. I just crawl in bed, cry and pretend to sleep. Exhausted. This was Wednesday at 11:45 pm.

Thursday morning at 6:15 a.m., after thinking about a possible solution a good portion of the night, to at the very least give us internet and phone. I crawl out of bed with my back and head killing me. Call the number that I was told the call for support last night, the one I had called all day yesterday. The number said to call back during business hours!!! What the heck? Hmmmm…Customer Service guarantee…24/7…so what are their business hours? Confusing. I tried a number I had saved in my Iphone. (Yeah, did I mention that all of this time on the phone was on my Iphone no, I do not have unlimited minutes. I will talk about this later too.) So, where was I, oh yeah, 6:15 am Thursday. Finally connected to the other competent employee of Comcast the company, I told her my idea of switching back to the other wireless modem, since we did not have connection via the one the other rep blew up. Let’s just activate the other modem, and keep it as a wireless… We will deal with the printer and the desktop. Both my husband and I are computer smart, we’ll figure it out. We can figure things out on a computer, if it is to be figured out. She agreed it might work if they had not turned something off somewhere they should not have been. It did! YAY!! We have internet. Check. I still need to get to another department to connect to the phone.  Oh NO!  I’m worried.

I tried calling. “Please call back during business hours.” URGH!!

I waited a while and called back, she set it up. When she made a test call I heard the same squeal from last night. This is when I realized that when they did whatever they did Wednesday night, they blew up my phone, I do not know what they did. I had made a call on it before the fiasco, now it just squealed. I loved that phone too. It was an old desk phone. Oh well, when I unplugged it, and had her make a test call again using another phone, it worked. YAY! COMCAST This ISP should pay me to troubleshoot their CSR incompetencies AKA screw-ups. We now have internet and phone. Check. Check.

The desktop makes me nervous. When trying to resolve the issues with the printer, I uninstalled and planned on doing a fresh install. Windows was not having any of that. Kept saying that my HP Officejet 8500 a909a was did not have a valid windows logo and that it is missing two dll files. One is hpwwiax5.dll, I did not write down the other. Okay, we have had this printer installed, and this printer printing until this disaster began. I know oftentimes things like the windows logo blurb can be caused by a Windows Security Update. I uninstalled the ones since January. This is when the computer decided that it would forget everything. Video, Audio, Chipset…If I did not have grays or heartburn before, not to mention anxiety and stress, before, I did now. I could not find our installation CD. No restore point has been set. Finally after a few tears, prayers, and yelling, I found a CD with my husband’s handwriting. “HP A6600 F XP Drivers” Off I went installing the drivers. Computer 0 Hope 1…Now we have Internet, Phone, and Desktop back. Check. Check. Check.

I am re installing the windows updates also. My hope is after this install, I will be able to install the printer. Crossing my fingers.

So what of COMCAST? I called about the two days I was without service and had to use my cell phone to deal with them, being on hold for probably two – three hours of it. Being sent to Signature Support multiple times for their equipment. What did they do? Gave me $5 credit for the days without service. A manager is supposed to call me back in an hour. We’ll see if the do. What will Comcast get from me? An angry customer that blogs about it, and then as soon as her contract is up will leave them. Told the last person I talked to exactly that.

Also, the second competent rep I spoke to let me in on a little secret. These new upgrades with Wireless. Comcast does not support Wireless, even though it is their equipment they will send you to Signature Support. So basically it is a money-making gimmick for Comcast. Just consider yourself warned.

FINALLY, after researching and pulling my hair out, and yelling more. Trial and error, trial and error, error and trial…SUCCESS!!!  I will be writing on the HP support board how to install around the nasty “Logo Testing Error” and how to correct the hpww1ax5.dll error, funny after correcting those two errors, the other error went away.  If anyone has those errors, please ask and I will let you know.   No one on the boards knew how to help me, no, not the “HP experts.”  I do not want to completely bore the readers with technical information that means absolutely nothing to them.  So here is the final score Internet, Phone, Desktop, and Printer BIG GOOSE EGG, Hope, you did it!!  (My husband knows exactly what this means to me, as I collapsed in tears last night feeling like a complete failure because the Printer defeated me.  It feels so good to have something go right and to recognize something going right.  It has been so long.)

Disclaimer: I said there are only two competent people who work there. I have only spoken to two. There maybe others they have in reserve.  I will add also though, it was 4 hours ago that I was promised a phone call in an hour, and well, CRICKETS!

I Once Loved Roller Coasters

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This morning is some better. I am still very anxious and depressed, but not teetering. I realize how many kind and good people read my blog, and they are going through a lot right now too. “Our community” helps one another when we are down. Kind words of encouragement, the reminder of the beautiful things in life and in me, virtual hugs, and a simple “like” they let me know someone is listening and cares.

I have my amazing family. I know the are weary. It is hard having someone you love with severe emotional problems. I could charter a club, I have been on the other side. Living daily, not knowing what to say or do, fear of triggering them. Fear of the backlash. Not knowing if the will be there in the morning physically or emotionally. Holding your tongue and swallowing your emotions, sacrificing your own mental health while they work on theirs. Crying more than laughing. I hate that I put anyone through this roller coaster.

Wide Awake Megaphone of Negativity in My Mind

Insomnia

 

The thoughts are so loud.
Each nerve in my body
a pinnacle of aniexty,
ready to catch the next thought,
and amplify it,
and make me hurt all over.
Piercing, agonizing pain.

Nowhere to escape.
Nowhere to run.
You cannot run from your thoughts.
Others have tried to drown them
Or cut them
Or smoke them
Or…
Or…
Or…
All ways to try to feel something else,
or not feel at all.

I did not do any of those, ever.
Self respect, faith, pride, fear,
Whatever the reason I didn’t.
Sometimes, I envy those
With those outlets.
An emotional checkout would be
Amazing.
But at what cost.

I laid here tonight wondering,
How much Xanax would it take to
Give me a vacation, but not kill me?
Irrational I know, so I took one.
Hopefully soon the nerves will relax,
and I can sleep.
As fitful as it is, I need sleep.

My husband says each night
I fight unseen demons in my sleep.
Very fitful, very restless.
No wonder I stay exhausted.
A warrior cannot fight all night and all day,
and still function 100%.
I need something.

Whether I wave the flag of surrender,
or collapse in defeat.
I do not see the fight in me anymore.
Hopefully the Xanax kicks in soon,
And I can sleep.

I pray that when the sun rises on the new day,
I will have renewed strength and fortitude to meet the day.
Until then, I still breathe
and that means I am winning.

I’m Trying So Hard, But Failing Miserably

So I had this incredibly funny post this morning, after talking to the the disability board.  I have tried to stay positive today, THEN I read the letter.  I am so upset, and feel like my emotions are out of control.  Starting at step one.  

The letter said, “You may be depressed at times…”  Depressed at times.  What does that feel like?  I would love to be depressed “at times”!!  No, I do not have the privilege of being depressed at times.  It is a daily battle for me.  What was my first instinct when I read that?  Go grab my medicines and take them, all of them!!  Depressed at times!!  

I am so tired of living through all of this crap, having to fight for a moment of peace and solace.  Trying to find things that make me happy.  Trying to remember where I have been and when I have been there.  I am so sick of it.  There has to be an end to this.  

I am so so sorry for laying this out there, but I promised when I started this blog, I would share the good and the bad.  This is a really bad day for me.  I get knocked down so easily, and kicked and kicked and kicked.

Maybe my problem is because I fight suicide so hard.  I fight it with all my might.  I see it as something that hurts those I love, maybe that was wrong to tell the mental health professionals.  Does that make me not want to do it, not even?  Each time I get closer to that fine line that separates sanity and insanity, in those horrible moments that I have to fight.  I sometimes wonder if they would not be better off without me here, their pain would hurt, but they would not have to deal with me day in and day out.  I hate being crazy.

That’s okay, “I am only depressed at times.” No problem.  It is not killing my family every time I call and tell them that I have those feelings.  It does not kill them every time they see “her” come out, because it is only “at times”.  

Depression was not the only thing on the claim either: migraines, diabetes, high blood pressure, constant anemia, and asthma.  That is okay, the government caters to who they want to cater to.  They want to kill the rest of us off.  I suppose I am on that kill off list.

I am sorry for getting political, but I am extremely upset right now.  My lawyer is appealing the case.  Most cases are denied the first time, but those words hurt me so bad.  Until then, I will continue with my therapy, stay in my ball, and hope that I can make it through one moment at a time, cause one moment seems like a very long time.

 

 

The Irreverent Fart–A Girl with Low Blood Sugar, The Temple, and A Fiber Bar–Awful Combination

Daily Prompt: Ha Ha Ha
Tell us a joke! Knock-knock joke, long story with a unexpected punchline, great zinger — all jokes are welcome!

I am very grateful for this prompt today. I needed something to laugh about. I found out my disability was denied. I could go off on the joke of how the inconsistencies are in society, but I will not. I will tell a really funny story from my life.

The year 1996, I had just recovered from a nasty stomach bug, and my friends and I decided to go to the Mt. Timpanogas Temple. My good friend Trish and I decided to do participate in proxy sealings. Families can submit names and bring them to the temple and have them sealed by Priesthood authority for time and all eternity. It is a beautiful promise, blessing, and ceremony. As I knelt at the altar in proxy for a daughter I started to get shaky, the room to narrow to a black pinhole, and voices became distant. Next thing I remember was my feet propped up on the altar cushion with a washcloth on my forehead, little old white haired lady fanning me, and Trish saying, “Banana are you okay”? As she giggled with a worried look on her face.

We were able to get me to a chair and I sipped some cool water as they finished the next few sealings. I was still shaking so I excused myself, and went and sat on a couch outside the hallway. This sweet little lady came and said, “Maybe it is your blood sugar”. After I told her that I had recently gotten over the bug, she disappeared for a few minutes and came back with a chocolate brownie. She said that she had this in her purse and that it should help stablize my blood sugar. I noticed the brownie had a chalky texture and the flavor alittle off, but I thought it was because my taste buds were off from being sick. I learned quickly, how wrong I was.

I ate it and drank some more cool water and before long I was feeling a good bit better. Rather than disturbing the sealing session again, she asked if we wanted to go sit in the Celestial Room a while. The Celestial Room is beautiful, and amazing. It is very quiet and reverent. You can sit and pray and talk with your Father in Heaven in quiet reflection. No one disturbs you or your peaceful thoughts. To me it is Heaven on Earth. I often call it Heavenly Father’s living room.

This is a picture from the open house brochure of the Mt. Timpanogas Celestial Room.

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So Trish and I went. We sat on the couch in the middle of the room. There were only two others in the room, one brother by the glass window and one sister standing by the door. It was perfectly quiet and peaceful. I prayed in gratitude for those that helped me earlier and for the little lady having a brownie, and then…blurp. A bubble in my stomach. I opened my eyes and peaked over at Trish to see if she had heard it. Her eyes were still closed, good.

Blurp, blurp, blurp. My goodness I thought, something is going on in my stomach. I imagined it to be like one of those science fair experiments with the vinegar and baking soda. Please stay down. Please stay down! WRONG REQUEST!

Because down it went, with turbo force. I grabbed Trish’s arm. She had heard it that time. “OH my word, stomach cramp!”. I whisper yelled. Wide eyed she giggled. I bent over in pain. RIPPPPP!

When you toot in the Celestial Room and their are only four people in there the couch does not muffle it. “BANANA!!!” She whisper yelled.

I jumped up tears from laughing and pain in my eyes. RIPPPPP!!!! The echo bounces around the room. I know I have just scourched Trish’s eye brows off. Looking forward the door and the little lady waiting beside it seem miles away. Still I have to get out of this room. There is no where to hide. I feel bad for disturbing the reverence and peace. RIPPPPP!!!

I start taking steps Toot! Toot! Toot! Toot! Each step a toot, the faster I stepped the faster they came, then another horribe cramp. I grabbed my stomach and doubled over RRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!! I am not sure, but I bet the chandlier probably rattled. I am laughing and crying, in this doubled over position I can see the brother by the window, he is smirking trying to keep his composure. Trish is still on the couch pretending to pray, but her shoulders jumping up and down, give it away that she is really just trying to compose herself.

Then I hear it, the rustle of the curtains. An endowment session is about to come in. Oh my goodness. I have got to get out of here.

I feel her little hands on my shoulder, the little old matron at the door. “Sister, are you okay”? I lifted my head and looked up sweat dripping from my noise. “I am not sure. Seems that I have an upset stomach”. I stood up. RIPPPPPP!

“Do you think you can make it to the bathroom? I’ll show you where it is.”

And together we walked Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot. Toot.