Tag Archives: Confussion

I Once Loved Roller Coasters

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This morning is some better. I am still very anxious and depressed, but not teetering. I realize how many kind and good people read my blog, and they are going through a lot right now too. “Our community” helps one another when we are down. Kind words of encouragement, the reminder of the beautiful things in life and in me, virtual hugs, and a simple “like” they let me know someone is listening and cares.

I have my amazing family. I know the are weary. It is hard having someone you love with severe emotional problems. I could charter a club, I have been on the other side. Living daily, not knowing what to say or do, fear of triggering them. Fear of the backlash. Not knowing if the will be there in the morning physically or emotionally. Holding your tongue and swallowing your emotions, sacrificing your own mental health while they work on theirs. Crying more than laughing. I hate that I put anyone through this roller coaster.

Setting Boundaries, How Was I To Know?

Something I have yet to master with my new life, that I have never had the urgency nor felt the necessity to do before is setting boundaries.  I do not only mean physical boundaries.  Though that is an obvious given,  I have new physical boundaries set.   I had no clue there would emotional boundaries I need to set.  I think these are going to be the most difficult.

I have always been one who could sit and listen to all problems, past, present, and future that anyone had or thought they would have.  I did that gladly.  I still want to, but I realized today that in doing so, I am easily triggered.  Triggering turns a great day into an anxious, fear, nauseated, trembling day, requiring the need to regroup and begin anew at trying to silence “her” fears and my anxiety as well.  I hate what my life has become.  I was doing so well.  I was doing so well!

I am sitting at the computer working on editing the photos I took today.  Trying really hard to stay in the now.  I think some photos came out really well for day two, but admittedly I am having such a hard time focusing on it.  The pictures seemed to turn out much better than yesterday.

My illusive caterpillar even posed quite nicely out of the darkness.  I was surprised he was still on the same weed, but then again, the spider is creeping closer, so maybe I should not be.  I do not think I would move either.    I was also able to catch a couple of lizard friends sunbathing also.    There are a few shots of flowers in our yard that I will post too.

For now, I am going to go crawl in bed beside my husband and eat chocolate pudding and watch television.  I also need to cut out some things for the lesson I am teaching the children at Church tomorrow.

Hope you will enjoy the pictures.

Cherokee Rose 1 Magnolia 3 Bell Pepper-Getting Close to Ready Simple Beauty magnolia bud 2 Magnolia 1 Lizzard 1 Another Lizzard 2

Fix It Bulldog

I really hate this. I feel like I am some sort of defect that does not even experience PTSD from their abuse like others.

My nickname has been Bulldog in the past. First received that nickname when I worked corporate collections. I would go after companies with no mercy if they pushed, I pushed back. I saw results. I helped them keep their good credit rating and we received our money. That spilled over into my personal life, I will not let any company walk on me or my family members. I know how to resolve problems and work with the companies to resolve them, if they do not resolve in a positive manner, with my training, Bulldog comes out, and most times a positive resolution is reached.

However feel like Bulldog cowers beneath these memories. I am trying to meet them head on. I just do not understand my own emotions.

Most “victims” (I hate that word) have anger towards their abusers. I pity mine. I have a love for mine. I feel such a desire to protect him. What is wrong with me? Yes, I fear seeing him, because I have not seen him since I remembered. I have searched and searched blogs and the Internet for others who feel or felt like I do, and I have not found any. That upsets me, makes me feel even more alone in this. I want someone to understand what I am feeling and to say it is okay and “normal”. My family supports me, which I am grateful for, so many do not have that. I know they do not understand, how can they, I am living it and I don’t.

I think of the fun times I had with “him”. We have so much fun together. I watched his motorcycle stunts in awe. I looked up to him, and in my child’s eyes I thought I would marry him. How could I block out this awful thing? I do not understand.

Will I ever get to the point that I blame him? Is that what I need to do?

I go to my Therapist on Tuesday. That is one of my big questions. When I screamed at the woods the Sunday after I remembered, I told him that I forgave him, it is like I wanted him to know that, but I do not think forgiving him is a problem, you need to blame someone and be angry at someone before you can forgive them.

What is wrong with me? I get scared at the flashbacks, knowing what happened. Recognizing my fear, but that is fear not anger.

I really wish Bulldog could come forth and fix it, but Bulldog is sick, scared, and worst of all, has no idea what the solution is. This isn’t Bulldog’s territory.

I am probably talking in circles right now, I have a migraine today too. Forgive me for the word vomit.

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