Tag Archives: Crying

Thursdays Make Me Nervous

Ever since my wreck afew weeks ago, Thursdays make me nervous. When I am nervous and anxious I have to work extra hard to not switch, which makes me more nervous and anxious. Today I have an appointment that requires me to travel the road where I had my first flashback. I know many of you are thinking let it go, PTSD is not like that, you cannot. You live and relive, constantly. I am physically hurting and in emotional torment.

This afternoon I meet with my counselor. One of the things that I want to discuss with her is lately my emotions get so intense, but then if I want to express what is in my mind it is like someone takes a curtain and pulls it infront of my thoughts, and there is nothing there but the emotion.

I made my Mother a promise last week that I would not look up my symptoms on the internet, I have kept that promise. I just keep forgetting to ask my counselor about this. It has happened in therapy several times.

Gratefully, I just received the news that the first appointment was cancelled. I am already a nervous mess. I am going to turn on the TV and try to find something that I can get insterested in.

Will The Tears EVER END

I really do not know where they come from. How can one person cry this many tears? Gallons upon gallons of salty drops pouring down my puffy face over the last few months. Will they ever stop?

Tonight did not go quite as planned, does it ever?

My hubs decided he did not want to go to see the missionary couple so he stayed home and worked around the house. It seems that everytime I leave the house alone, if I am upset, I see “him”. Today my emotions were raw. Seeing “him” today triggered me, though just a few weeks back I was able to stop and talk to him. I know part anxiety is because of therapy today and the work that we did, and part was reading about this awful molester in Savannah they finally caught today. I was grateful that they had caught that monster, but as I read the article I felt myself tensing up getting afraid, then flashbacks. Seeing “him” did not help. I could not stop shaking. I was nauseated. i wanted to turn around and go home, but I promised my Mother I would be there. I also needed to pick up my medications at CVS.

I floored it.

Once at CVS there had been a mix up, my meds were put on hold, because of that they did not have enough to fill it. I was my Pristique. Ummmm, I had to have it. They said they would fill a partial, but that I needed to come back.

I ran to the Church and rushed inside, just as they were taking the goodbye pictures. Still shaking and forcing back tears, I hid on the back row. I had completely forgotten I was supposed to help Mother, help someone file for unemployment online. Just as we reached the last of a million and one pages, the internet crashed. What in the world?! Mother has all the information to re-entered it at home, or that was the plan. I have not talked to her.

Me and my nightblind self rushed to CVS, almost running down three dark skinned ladies wearing dark clothes walking in the middle of the road. Idiots! Good thing I drive slow at dusk and night time because of my night blindness. I pull up to CVS, just received a text my husbands meds are ready also, they were not. I sat for about 15 minutes until another customer pulled up behind me, then I circled around. Our scripts finally ready, I am asked if I had ever taken Propranolol. I look puzzled and told her that was the med that was supposed to be on hold, waiting for my Internist to call. I ask how much it is. It was just over $4 so I said after today, I need it for my PTSD. The Pharmacist who knows my meds says that it works great for PTSD and that my dosage is so low I should not see any negative side effects. I told her to give it to me.

I have been home several hours now. Cried a bit more. Had a good heart to heart with my husband and now, I hope to call it a night. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Please?

Please Do Not Make Me Angry, You May Not Like ME When I Am Angry

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So, I started off with my Find the Good Friday Post. I did that for a reason. I am still working on computer issues. Day 4.

Let me tell you one thing, one upon a time, not so long ago, I had the patience of Job when dealing with computers coupled with the tenacity it took to stand up to the challenge. Now, the patience is long gone, stress level and anxiety way up, but the stinking tenacity is still there. Not a good combination! For me or for the ISP that is the root of all evil computer issues this week.

We received a letter from our ISP stating that our cable modem qualified for a free upgrade, this upgrade would allow for faster connection speeds. Great when you watch television and videos like we do over the internet. When I called in to have ours shipped,  I explained how our network was set up through our own router, that we did not need the wireless modem/gateway, just the modem. When it arrived it was wireless.

We tried hooking everything up to it, but no deal. Our printer would not work. URGH! I called back spoke to them and explained again. “Sure no problem, we will send you one that is not wireless. And remember we are open 24/7 as a part of our customer satisfaction guarantee.” Yada yada yada…

During this time we could still print from our desktop. Whew hoo! When the new modem arrives, my husband sets it up. I come home, call, and have it activated. Guess what? The wireless blue light special is shining.  Yep, they had not de-activated the wireless on it. Something with this modem played games with our network. Now the printer no longer works with the desktop. Oh joy!  This is not helping my level of frustration one bit.

I call and talk to several reps who keep trying to send me to Comcast oops, I mean my ISPs Signature Support. Do you know what Signature Support is? It is a fee based support. Fee based support for their equipment. Yeah, you rent this modem from them, the day you receive, if you have problems they want to send you to a fee based support.  Sounds like a way to have “100% Customer Satisfaction Guarantee” to me. I just received it, and they want to charge me to fix their equipment.  I just cannot get over it.  Can we say, ummm, NO!

After several hours and several representatives later, I finally spoke to one that had a brain larger than Amoeba. She was actually smart and was not reading from a script. She listened to me, and did not hear printer, and assume that I was calling in for a printer. She turned off the wireless, everything was working great. UNTIL she transferred me to the rep that was supposed to activate the telephone part of the modem. When she did, whatever she did, killed the modem and my phone. When I say killed, I mean killed. No pulse. None CPR can be done. Stick a fork in them. I bit later, I talked to another CSR, hoping she would correct the problem.  She however,  did not know what she was doing. She answered the phone laughing. She was completely unprofessional, and the call center she was in, the supervisor needed to teach them some professionalism. One of her colleagues was yelling at a customer very rudely in the background.  I made a comment about that  not being professional and that I could hear the customer being yelled at. I ran a call center. I do not care what the customer says, you escalate the call, you do not yell at the customer. She took up for her colleague. “She has been on the phone with this customer for 30 minutes.” I said, “I have been dealing with Comcast since 4:00, she needs to think what the customer might be feeling.” This is about 8 hours of dealing with some sort of Comcast rep. I have no phone, no internet, no printer, no PC (I’ll explain the PC below). AND I AM LIVID!!!! The Hulk as nothing on this south Georgia girl who at this point has forgotten to take her medicine because she is dealing with ignorant people and computer stuff. I just crawl in bed, cry and pretend to sleep. Exhausted. This was Wednesday at 11:45 pm.

Thursday morning at 6:15 a.m., after thinking about a possible solution a good portion of the night, to at the very least give us internet and phone. I crawl out of bed with my back and head killing me. Call the number that I was told the call for support last night, the one I had called all day yesterday. The number said to call back during business hours!!! What the heck? Hmmmm…Customer Service guarantee…24/7…so what are their business hours? Confusing. I tried a number I had saved in my Iphone. (Yeah, did I mention that all of this time on the phone was on my Iphone no, I do not have unlimited minutes. I will talk about this later too.) So, where was I, oh yeah, 6:15 am Thursday. Finally connected to the other competent employee of Comcast the company, I told her my idea of switching back to the other wireless modem, since we did not have connection via the one the other rep blew up. Let’s just activate the other modem, and keep it as a wireless… We will deal with the printer and the desktop. Both my husband and I are computer smart, we’ll figure it out. We can figure things out on a computer, if it is to be figured out. She agreed it might work if they had not turned something off somewhere they should not have been. It did! YAY!! We have internet. Check. I still need to get to another department to connect to the phone.  Oh NO!  I’m worried.

I tried calling. “Please call back during business hours.” URGH!!

I waited a while and called back, she set it up. When she made a test call I heard the same squeal from last night. This is when I realized that when they did whatever they did Wednesday night, they blew up my phone, I do not know what they did. I had made a call on it before the fiasco, now it just squealed. I loved that phone too. It was an old desk phone. Oh well, when I unplugged it, and had her make a test call again using another phone, it worked. YAY! COMCAST This ISP should pay me to troubleshoot their CSR incompetencies AKA screw-ups. We now have internet and phone. Check. Check.

The desktop makes me nervous. When trying to resolve the issues with the printer, I uninstalled and planned on doing a fresh install. Windows was not having any of that. Kept saying that my HP Officejet 8500 a909a was did not have a valid windows logo and that it is missing two dll files. One is hpwwiax5.dll, I did not write down the other. Okay, we have had this printer installed, and this printer printing until this disaster began. I know oftentimes things like the windows logo blurb can be caused by a Windows Security Update. I uninstalled the ones since January. This is when the computer decided that it would forget everything. Video, Audio, Chipset…If I did not have grays or heartburn before, not to mention anxiety and stress, before, I did now. I could not find our installation CD. No restore point has been set. Finally after a few tears, prayers, and yelling, I found a CD with my husband’s handwriting. “HP A6600 F XP Drivers” Off I went installing the drivers. Computer 0 Hope 1…Now we have Internet, Phone, and Desktop back. Check. Check. Check.

I am re installing the windows updates also. My hope is after this install, I will be able to install the printer. Crossing my fingers.

So what of COMCAST? I called about the two days I was without service and had to use my cell phone to deal with them, being on hold for probably two – three hours of it. Being sent to Signature Support multiple times for their equipment. What did they do? Gave me $5 credit for the days without service. A manager is supposed to call me back in an hour. We’ll see if the do. What will Comcast get from me? An angry customer that blogs about it, and then as soon as her contract is up will leave them. Told the last person I talked to exactly that.

Also, the second competent rep I spoke to let me in on a little secret. These new upgrades with Wireless. Comcast does not support Wireless, even though it is their equipment they will send you to Signature Support. So basically it is a money-making gimmick for Comcast. Just consider yourself warned.

FINALLY, after researching and pulling my hair out, and yelling more. Trial and error, trial and error, error and trial…SUCCESS!!!  I will be writing on the HP support board how to install around the nasty “Logo Testing Error” and how to correct the hpww1ax5.dll error, funny after correcting those two errors, the other error went away.  If anyone has those errors, please ask and I will let you know.   No one on the boards knew how to help me, no, not the “HP experts.”  I do not want to completely bore the readers with technical information that means absolutely nothing to them.  So here is the final score Internet, Phone, Desktop, and Printer BIG GOOSE EGG, Hope, you did it!!  (My husband knows exactly what this means to me, as I collapsed in tears last night feeling like a complete failure because the Printer defeated me.  It feels so good to have something go right and to recognize something going right.  It has been so long.)

Disclaimer: I said there are only two competent people who work there. I have only spoken to two. There maybe others they have in reserve.  I will add also though, it was 4 hours ago that I was promised a phone call in an hour, and well, CRICKETS!

Tell All Tuesday (A Day No–Two Days Late): He’s Bald, And It’s All My Fault

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In 1978 when my parents told us that we were going to have a new little brother or sister, I do not remember ever being jealous. I was so excited! I even came up with the perfect name for the little one. I remember exact place where I announced my perfect names. We going over the railroad tracks not to far from my home and I proclaimed if it is a boy name him ——- (my Daddy’s Name) and if it is a girl name her ——- (my Mother’s name). Brilliant idea of a 4 year old.

Something else I did constantly in my excitement was sing. No, not a sweet little lullaby, but a silly ditty. I asked Mother yesterday where I got it from and she was not sure if I was a TV show or what. I did a web and YouTube search, but came up empty handed.

But this is what I sang:

Hambone, hambone, chicken and gravy. Mama’s gonna have a balded-headed baby.

It is really quite a catchy tone, and I sang it over and over and over again! I am suprised that the little did not come out singing it.

So when the little fella made his grand entrance into the world BALD, I cried and cried. I knew it was my fault. My song had some how made my new baby lose his hair.

Here are big sisters looking after him, he was about three months old here, getting a little hair.
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I am happy to report that he has a nice full head of curly, well wavy hair now. I did not curse him for life. Well in the hair department, growing up with three older sisters might have some sort of curse-like effect on a boy or at the very least make him feel like he is cursed, but that is another post all together.

Whose Expectations, Extra Pressure

One of my worst character traits is caring way too much what others think about me, and trying to live up to perceived expectations. I have always done this, many nightmares past and present show this. Being in the deepest abyss of depression that I find myself these days, what seems to be the smallest comment to someone else throws me into a self loathing fit wanting to end it all. Literally masking anything good in life.

I hate that I am like this. I hate that I let others down, real or perceived. I wish healing was an immediate fix, but it is not. I am trying, but I often wonder why. Three or four steps forward seven or eight backward. Kind of like debt with high interest that you only pay the monthly payment are you ever going to get from under the debt?

Yes, my medications were changed last week. Last week. We do not know if they are going to work yet. Right now I do not feel any better, but it has only been a week. I do not like being broken! Makes this PG language speaking girl want to use some R rated language!! I hate that I even think it, because when little Hope comes she does not have the filter that I do, which is very strange, because I did not swear as a child either. I can bite my tongue, with her she just wants to let all the anger out. Maybe she is the smart part of me, I am afraid of the anger. I am afraid that when it starts it will not stop, and also that I become an ugly no Christ-like person expressing it. So conflicted.

I feel like I need a punching bag and put my face on it. Yelling, screaming, and beating the crap out of me would feel so good. Yes, I get frustrated with others, but I loathe myself. I expect too much emotionally from myself, expected to be healed today or yesterday because that is what others expect or at least that is what I perceive they feel.

I do not know how to turn off that part of myself so that I do not put my energy into what others think, but rather focus on healing. Right now I am spinning my tires and getting burnt out.

Daily Prompt: The Art Of Being A Woman

Daily Prompt: Tell us about the last time you had a real, deep, crying-from-laughing belly laugh.

From what I hear you lose all dignity when you go through childbirth. I suppose you do, having people’s noses in your hoo-hoo smiling ooohhhhing and ahhhinng. While you push and make all kind of noises, pushing a canteloupe out of a lemon size opening. I never thad that joy, but I did have a hysterectomy, and I can tell you that the dignity flies out the same window, without a bundle of cuteness being placed in your arms afterwards. Do not worry, this is not going to be one of my sad infertility cancer posts, it is going to be one filled with the embarassing moments that came after the surgery.

For those who do not like bodily function stories this might not be the post for you. For those who are thinking about having a hysterectomy, this might be helpful. Funny things I wish I had known. Husbands and companions, your wife, the one who goes into surgery, will not be the one who comes out. I do not mean the hormones that make Linda Blair from the Excorist look like Mother Teresa either. I mean her body, will do things she will want to run and hide from.

My hysterectomy for uterine cancer was July 2011. When I woke up from surgery, on of the first things they told me was that I would need to try to tinkle. Tinkle? I could barely walk, and they wanted me to walk to the restroom to tinkle? Then the words, if you cannot do it on your own we will have to cath you. Some women’s bladder does not want to wake up. I shuffled my way to the potty. I sat and sat. I ran warm water over my hand. I kept the water running. Not even a drop. I asked them to bring me a pitcher of water. I drank it all. I just knew it would do the trick. I painfully shuffled to the restroom. Tried all the same tricks. Nothing.

And to add insult to injury, the gas they had used to blow me up like a balloon, was wanting to work its way out. I looked like a bloated pregnant woman trying to get her water to break. It caught me funny. It hurt to laugh, so I held a pillow to my stomach. Then the comedy troop came in. Five wonderful black cnas, they had been given charge to cath me. I do not know why it took five. I know one did keep missing. OUCH! I informed the one who leaned in really close to make sure she was threading it correctly that I had gas. “Oh girl, please don’t let it go now!” That made me laugh even harder, I do not know if I did or didn’t.

In preparing for my surgery, I had ready you want you bowels to be soft. So when they asked me what I wanted for breakfast the next morning I though healthy. Oatmeal. As soon as I finished that oatmeal, my Mother and I literally watched my stomach get bigger and bigger. Oh it was aweful. Word to the wise, do not eat oatmeal the day after your surgery. I would use my pillow to gently push and I laid on my left side trying to get rid the pressure.

Once things started healing I thought my body would get back to normal. I have always had a Bladder of steal and colon to match, now, if the urge hits, I better be close to a restroom. If not, this 39 year old body, does not act like a 39 year old body.

To bring me to the last time that I really laughed about it. It is eaither laugh or cry. This is one thing, I decided to just laugh about. The other day I had tinkled, taken a shower, and then climbed into bed. Next thing I know I am having a sneezing fit, in the fit I am tinkling all over myself! So I am sneezing, tinkling, laughing, and running to the bathroom. My husband just laughed with me. He has gotten used to it.

I’m Trying So Hard, But Failing Miserably

So I had this incredibly funny post this morning, after talking to the the disability board.  I have tried to stay positive today, THEN I read the letter.  I am so upset, and feel like my emotions are out of control.  Starting at step one.  

The letter said, “You may be depressed at times…”  Depressed at times.  What does that feel like?  I would love to be depressed “at times”!!  No, I do not have the privilege of being depressed at times.  It is a daily battle for me.  What was my first instinct when I read that?  Go grab my medicines and take them, all of them!!  Depressed at times!!  

I am so tired of living through all of this crap, having to fight for a moment of peace and solace.  Trying to find things that make me happy.  Trying to remember where I have been and when I have been there.  I am so sick of it.  There has to be an end to this.  

I am so so sorry for laying this out there, but I promised when I started this blog, I would share the good and the bad.  This is a really bad day for me.  I get knocked down so easily, and kicked and kicked and kicked.

Maybe my problem is because I fight suicide so hard.  I fight it with all my might.  I see it as something that hurts those I love, maybe that was wrong to tell the mental health professionals.  Does that make me not want to do it, not even?  Each time I get closer to that fine line that separates sanity and insanity, in those horrible moments that I have to fight.  I sometimes wonder if they would not be better off without me here, their pain would hurt, but they would not have to deal with me day in and day out.  I hate being crazy.

That’s okay, “I am only depressed at times.” No problem.  It is not killing my family every time I call and tell them that I have those feelings.  It does not kill them every time they see “her” come out, because it is only “at times”.  

Depression was not the only thing on the claim either: migraines, diabetes, high blood pressure, constant anemia, and asthma.  That is okay, the government caters to who they want to cater to.  They want to kill the rest of us off.  I suppose I am on that kill off list.

I am sorry for getting political, but I am extremely upset right now.  My lawyer is appealing the case.  Most cases are denied the first time, but those words hurt me so bad.  Until then, I will continue with my therapy, stay in my ball, and hope that I can make it through one moment at a time, cause one moment seems like a very long time.