Tag Archives: CSA

To Put Emotions On Pause

Oh to be able to let my emotions flow out of my finger tips.  The last few days I have been depressed and really anxious.   Medication, situation, all of the above?  Who knows.

Monday the fly on the wall, found me watching CNN.  A special about sexual predators working at Disney World, Sea World, Universal, and other theme parks.  The one I remember most lived life as a preacher.  Sounded like a familiar story.

Eventually sufficiently creeped out, I turned the television off.  Pondering the things I just learned, I picked up my Ipad and began a search.  Center of Missing and Exploited Children.

Shaking inside and out I called, simply to see what could be done to report someone who preyed on me over 35 years ago.  I am pretty sure I let out an audible gasp when she said she would take my report, and the information would be shared with the authorities.  I do not look for him to be punished for the things he did to me.  At least not in the here and now, but the thought of him continuing to prey on victims…My voice no longer silent.

For a couple of days his memory haunted me.  Fears.  More memories, smells, more memories…restless.

My medication has been tweeked too, and I think in the wrong direction.  So I know that this seems much more grandiose to me than it is.

Last but not least, I cannot deny my heart many many tears, as I prepare to say see you later to my sweet boy Enos.  He has degenerative back disease, past surgery on multiple disc.  He can no longer walk, or turn over when lying down.  We have to hold him up for him to do his “jobs”.  He is getting where he is in a good bit of pain.  My heart is broken for my baby.  He has slept with me since we rescued him seven years ago.  He is my smallest dog, and since I was never blessed with my own children, my dogs are my babies.  Enos lets me dress him and do what ever with him.  I love that little guy so much.

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Why I Blog…A Gentle Reminder

I started blogging to help others, and myself become stronger.  The last several months, I did not have it in me to carry myself, much less have any bright days to share and lift others.  My internal protector, who now goes by Gidget, not “the mean one”, isn’t mean at all.  She does have a temper.  She can swear like a sailor when she gets angry, but her goal has been to protect me and “squirt” and to make me have a little more fun in life.

What now seems eons ago, but was only weeks ago, she told me angrily, “Not everyone deserves to be forgiven.”  That statement lead to pandora’s box being opened, and discovering and recalling that my “original” abuser, was a pawn and victim himself in his father and step-mother’s sadistic game.  Who knows how long it went on with him, but Little Shanna endured about a year and a half of sexual abuse.  Holding tightly to the secret, the sadness, and the guilt, standing beside her, a valiant protector Gidget.

She is remembering that she did fight now, she let me know, I fought and begged to go home.  There is only so much a 4 and 5 year old child can do.  Especially when you have two adults there, who are holding you.  Holding you in a way that you do not bruise though.  Hugging you.  Adults you once trusted.  Adults you should still be able to trust.  Hearing my dog barking outside because she heard my cries.  Gidget, that is where she got her name from.  My faithful protector back then.

She has introduced herself to most of my family and friends.  I am not really comfortable with that, but I suppose she is making it so that I do not have to worry about it.  Fear of rejection is so high.  She gave my closest friends what for the other day, for absolutely no reason.  Of course I had to apologize profusely after I returned.  She seems to forget my life, our life, is not all that everyone has to deal with.

She and I have become almost like sisters.  Boy howdy can she get mad at me.  If I try to smooth something over when it is clearly not my fault, or heaven forbid I blame her for something that happens, and I do not know if she had anything to do with it or not.  My husband says I need to learn to chose my words more carefully.  I told him, I am not used to someone knowing my intimate thoughts, and responding to them.  This is a new ball game for me.

She has quite the sense of humor.  I hope she does not mind me sharing this.  First off, she is country.  Very country.  Several people have mentioned that she has a serious twang to her voice.  After therapy yesterday, I told my parents that I wanted to try to actually eat out at my favorite place.  Ole Times Country Buffet. I set up ground rules.  My back would be to the wall, and I would be able to see my parents at all times, even at the buffet.  I was getting a little nervous.  Mother said Gidget came out and said, “I ain’t gonna let her eat all this good food by herself.”  Mother laughed as she said some of the things Gidget said and did.  First apparently she ate so fast, afraid I would come out soon.  Mother asked her if I had put any fried squash on the plate.  I had not, only because I did not have room.  Gidget sad SHE does not like that stuff. She joked, “When she comes back she ain’t gonna know where her food went.”  Gidget, must be a messy eater because my napkin was all nasty when I returned, and she was right.  I had Mac’N’Cheese (because” it did not taste like Ms. Edith’s (my grandmother) or hers (Mothers)”, according to Gidget, I agree.), and a piece of dry chicken.  Thing is my mouth was still hungry, though my belly bloated.  I dared her in my mind to come out when I got my deserts.  I got two just in case, I hid them behind butter beans and collards.

If you are new to this life.  My advice is, take it slow, but try to become friends.  I find when I am scared or afraid when they come out, it wipes me out physically.  If I let them come have their peace, and not fight them, I am not nearly as exhausted when I return.  I  do not understand it, but that is how my body and mind works.  My doctor seemed to recognize the exhaustion, so I must not be too crazy.  Yeah, not too crazy, says the woman with two altar personalities.

I am not going to write as often as I did before, but I will check in every once and a while.  A pulse check  to let you know that I am still alive and kicking.

Thank you so much for reading.  Thank you Mental Health Bloggers for the gentle reminder as to why I began blogging.

Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Hope, Gidget, Little Shanna

 

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The Three Faces of Me

 

The Three Faces of Eve
The Three Faces of Eve (Photo credit: junibears)

During therapy yesterday Dr. R mentioned the movie The Three Faces of Eve.  Since The Mean One has come out fighting this week,  I feel like I need to understand what is going on with me.

Watching the movie helped me understand somethings that I have been trying to understand, the way they communicate, among themselves, and with me. Having these awful headaches more frequently also, a similarity.

I hate being like this.  I have always been the person to take care of everything.  I handled our bills, dealing with any and all business for us.  Now if the slightest ripple in the plans or transactions happen, that rock my boat, that cause me any negative emotion The Mean One thinks of it as an open invitation to take over.

In therapy we discussed acknowledging her and her anger.  Last night when she came out at something so minor and stupid, I did just that.  I tried to acknowledge her anger.  I begged her to tell me why she was so angry.  That seemed to make her more angry.  Little Shanna then pushed her way forward, and was so scared.  She asked for Mother.  I am proud of her for doing that.  Tracy called Mother for her and Mother was able to calm her enough for me to push back forward.

Something needs to give.  I hate this.

Thanks for reading.  ~Hope

 

 

 

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Nature’s First Green Is Gold

“When I stepped out into the bright sunlight…”

The first and the last words of The Outsiders, a movie that quickly became one of my favorite a pre-teen. I do know not know what drew me into the story. It could have been the adorable and quite handsome young Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, Ralph Macchio, Rob Lowe, Matt Dillon, Emilio Estevez, and Tom Cruise. It was more than bubbling hormones though. I not only loved the movie, I loved the book.

In the eighth grade when required to do a report on the book of our choice, I chose The Outsiders. Honestly, I think I related to them somehow. Ponyboy and Johnny the tightest of friendships, even to laying to Johnny laying down his life. Each of the boys in the story carried trait I could relate to.

Not understood. Angry. Funny. Desire to be loved. Together with friends, but still outsiders.

When I presented my oral report, I began by quoting Alfred R. Ferguson’s poem that Johnny loved so well.

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leafs a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

It is ironic to me now that I quoted the poem. Not really understanding what the words meant, though Johnny explained them to Pony in a letter.

The irony lies in the loss of my innocent childhood. It was gold to me. Beautiful, fun, exciting, perfect, innocent, but one event remembered has marred the golden beauty of my innocence. I do not know if my words capture the feeling and the meaning I am trying to convey and the relationship I feel to the poem. I just thought it interesting how it unknowingly personified my life.

I need to apologize for my lack of posts the last couple of days. I will sit down and start a post and something will distract me, and it is almost like “SQUIRREL” and I am mentally and/or physically gone! I am so easily distracted and completely lose the train and the track the train of thought was on. I hope to do better, but I cannot make promises. I know my brain, and it does not like to cooperate these days.

With that said, I am extremely sleepy. I think I might take a nap. I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday. Thank you for reading my blog!

~Hope

P.S. This is a picture of a male red cardinal on a red bud tree outside my parents home yesterday. Isn’t he gorgeous?
Cardinal

Can YOU Help Me?

Today I have been in bed all day with a headache.  I keep telling myself that I need to get up and do something, but I do not have the energy.  Between my head throbbing and the medication zapping me.  I keep saying I will use my energy to cook supper.  I am cooking Chicken Parmesan tonight.

I have been more down today emotionally too.  I do not know why.  I suppose it could be the rain coming.  I know that is probably why my head is throbbing.  The barometric pressure reeks havoc on my brain.

So anyway, I need your help.

I am working on filling my MP3 with music that I can listen to when I need to disconnect the emotional fuse, or when I am depressed.  

What songs do you think I should put on my MP3?  What are some uplifting, not necessarily church, but it can be, music that inspires you. What about relaxes you? What about funny songs?  I do not listen to music with swearing, but I’m pretty much open to all styles.

Thank you so much in advance for your help!

Didn’t Mean To Broadcast To The World

After publishing my last post I went to my Facebook account, imagine my horror when I realized that I have been publicizing THIS blog to everyone. I had set my blog to be published to my other Facebook account, my Hope account, but somehow it switched when I was inactive. It made me ill. There are several people on my list that I would never want to know or read about my experiences.

I have gone and deleted the posts from my Facebook account and deleted my Facebook account from my WordPress account as to avoid any future issues.

I hope no innocent eyes read my blog and were injured by anything I said. I worry so much about my niece and young cousins reading it.

No need to worry I have done what I can.

New Year, New Look

Decided to change-up the look of my blog. I do not know if I will keep it this way or not. I really like the look of the owl, and I read to see what the owl symbolizes. It is wisdom. I should have known that.

I sang the little ditty as a child. “A wise old owl sat on an oak. The more he heard the less he spoke, the less he spoke the more he heard. Why aren’t we all like that old bird.” We would sing it over and over again in rounds.

Wisdom. What is wisdom? Wisdom is something you can only gain through experience. No one can give it to you as a gift wrapped in a pretty bow. You cannot read it in a book or on a blog, and magically bestow it through osmosis. No, wisdom comes through your own application of knowledge to your experiences. This journey is my journey to a completely new wisdom. I am learning more about myself that I ever knew existed and parts that I did not know I hid. I will learn how to work together with myself to create a powerful them so that we can do as the image of the owl states “Shine On.”

I have been counseled for years to gain knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge has always come very easy to me. Almost too easy. I suppose you could call me a nerd. Wisdom, not so much. I have to learn life’s lessons time and time again, before the wisdom sticks. This time, however long it takes, however many lessons are involved, I will gain the wisdom I need.  Can’t go around it, can’t go over it, can’t go under it, must go through it.
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So for me funny moment happened today, at my husband’s expense. He teases me constantly about my memory, as I addressed a couple of days ago. Today however, he called me on the way home from work and told me that he was at CVS picking up his medications. I was super confused and asked him, “Didn’t you pick those up yesterday?” That’s when he started laughing. He said he started thinking about the coupons he had to use at CVS and said he would go today since he had to pick up his medications anyway. The pharmacist tech looked and looked, and probably thought they had lost another of our prescriptions. (I called and reported them to corporate a few weeks ago for losing prescriptions.) This time it was not them, it was my adorable husband and his perfect memory. Thankful for those moments!

Small and Simple Things, Photo Therapy

Small and Simple Things, Photo Therapy

“Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.”
― Mother Teresa

I am finding so much beauty and solace in nature. As I walk around, I begin to see things that I have not seen before. Nature tutors me in lessons that only it’s gentle reminders can teach me.

This tiny flower it is literally tucked in the camellia bush right beside my front step. I pass it anytime I go outside. Only today did I notice it. But it’s tender reminder that it only takes those small things daily to accomplish those things that we need to do, and in those small things we can find our beauty and our worth.

My Mother and my sisters are the true gardeners in the family, but through the camera lens, I am beginning to see the beauty that they see in the flowers and the wonderful creations that Heavenly Father has blessed us with.

I am very grateful for the inspiration Heavenly Father whispered to me, letting me know that photography would help me. It really is opening my eyes to a new world just outside my front door.