Tag Archives: Death

To Put Emotions On Pause

Oh to be able to let my emotions flow out of my finger tips.  The last few days I have been depressed and really anxious.   Medication, situation, all of the above?  Who knows.

Monday the fly on the wall, found me watching CNN.  A special about sexual predators working at Disney World, Sea World, Universal, and other theme parks.  The one I remember most lived life as a preacher.  Sounded like a familiar story.

Eventually sufficiently creeped out, I turned the television off.  Pondering the things I just learned, I picked up my Ipad and began a search.  Center of Missing and Exploited Children.

Shaking inside and out I called, simply to see what could be done to report someone who preyed on me over 35 years ago.  I am pretty sure I let out an audible gasp when she said she would take my report, and the information would be shared with the authorities.  I do not look for him to be punished for the things he did to me.  At least not in the here and now, but the thought of him continuing to prey on victims…My voice no longer silent.

For a couple of days his memory haunted me.  Fears.  More memories, smells, more memories…restless.

My medication has been tweeked too, and I think in the wrong direction.  So I know that this seems much more grandiose to me than it is.

Last but not least, I cannot deny my heart many many tears, as I prepare to say see you later to my sweet boy Enos.  He has degenerative back disease, past surgery on multiple disc.  He can no longer walk, or turn over when lying down.  We have to hold him up for him to do his “jobs”.  He is getting where he is in a good bit of pain.  My heart is broken for my baby.  He has slept with me since we rescued him seven years ago.  He is my smallest dog, and since I was never blessed with my own children, my dogs are my babies.  Enos lets me dress him and do what ever with him.  I love that little guy so much.

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Daily Prompt: My Four Legged Hero

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Meet Gidget.  I was just a tiny girl, and she a tiny pup when I she became part of our family. Hitting it off immediately, this little gal became my shadow.

Gidget was my best pal. To be such a small dog she was the absolute best a watch dog and protector. Often going nose to nose with large neighborhood bulldogs and shepherds that would come into our yard. She would send them running as she nipped on their heels with them running tails tucked as they left. I am sure they were getting an earful with her barking in the chase.  Once a Doberman jumped over the neighbors fence and came running after us.  Granny told us to run to the climbing tree.  Granny and Gidget stood ground, giving us time to climb the tree.  I do not remember the dog going home or what.  I just know we did not get eaten, neither did Granny or Gidget.

As fierce as she was protecting her us, she was that much more gentle towards us. I was fascinated with her swollen boobies after she had puppies. So one day I rolled her over and squeezed one of her boobies and looked in awe as milk came out. She just laid there. She would let me do anything to her.  Poor girl.

Gidget was so funny. I think she thought she was a human.  She loved our birthday parties. Whatever we did, she found herself in the middle of it. If we were chewing gum, Gidget was chewing gum. She however, loved to pull and stretch the gum with her paws and make a mess. One party favor that she really enjoyed was the parachute men. They were in cylinder tubes. You blow the tubes and the parachute man comes out and floats down. She had a tube in her mouth and tried to throw her head back, mimicking us. She was never able to get her parachute to fly. 🙂 But it was not from lack of trying.

I remember well the dark feeling that fell over my heart the day Gidget went missing. She had a litter of puppies under the house that needed feeding.  She never stayed away from her babies long, so we knew something was bad wrong for her to stay away.

We looked everywhere, and eventually found her at my neighbors. The night before their someone had broken into their home.  Gidget, we suppose, tried to protect our friends home, and was ran over. My heart was broken.

I miss that sweet girl, a hero of my youth.

Daily Prompt: Heroic

The Calendar Says It Is A New Day

It is a new day. I know because my husband’s alarm went off and he busied himself and readied himself for work. As we hugged goodbye, he said to have a good day, I said, “I think I am going to stay right here (meaning our bed) it is the only place I do not get in trouble.”

When I think about it, that is probably pretty far from the truth, but I did not mean to lie. I only meant that I do not mess with the world from this corner of it. I actually get in alot of trouble here, because if I do not sleep, I think. If I think too much, I see my pink medicine bag beside my bed, and often want to reach for it. I have always reached for the phone instead.

Yesterday, I am very afraid that had I been alone, I was so far gone, I would not have reached the phone. I felt as if I was controlled by “her” and “her” fears and insecurities, “her” pains and frailties, her abuses and abusers yelling loudly that “she” was bad, usless, and “her” life, my life not worth living.

My angel of a Mother knelt in front of me cradled my face in her hands and talked to us. Expressing love and support, and telling us we are not bad. Daddy sat in his chair behind her, and echoed each of her words. My parents are the best parents, so supportive. I hate that they are having to deal with this.

This morning, I am still in fight or flight. My anxiety lessened yesterday a little, Heavenly Father sent our “Tender Mercy” the deer that seems to come when we are having a really bad day. Then when I got home I explained the events of the day to my husband, my anxiety came back.

I recognize in the world this is small, in my PTSD world it is crushing. My parents had generously let me drive their new van to pick up groceries for myself and a couple of friends, because of my memory problems and so I would not be alone on the trip the friend rode with me. After we unloaded her grocercies I was headed home, and my phone rang, it was her saying that they accidently took part of the other friends groceries. Something told me to let Mother pick them up when she goes to deliver them to that friend, but I was only a few blocks away so I went back. When I turned on her dirt road a car came up on my bumper really fast and rode it. My friend’s gate is very narrow, and when I turned, I thought I cleared it, and it scratched and dented the right side of my parents van. My parents are not upset at all, or at least not expressing it in front of me, but I could not handle it. Humiliated and devestated are the mildest terms I can come up with.

Last night as I laid in bed, thinking of the day, and regrets, so many flashbacks came. I could not stop them. Gratefully I finally went to sleep…

I awoke once throwing the pillow that rested on my arm off because I had a nightmare of “his” legs pinning my arms down. Frozen in fear, my heart raced, and I listened to make sure I could hear my husband breathing, I then reached over and touched his shoulder for comfort.

When I have spoken to people about having dealt with depression and anxiety all my life and just recently having remembered the abuses. They say atleast now you know and you can work with them and move on. I am not at that point of being grateful that I remembered. I think I would have been better off thinking it was my inherited chemical depression and anxiety, because this is not living. My family cannot live and when they do they live in fear of what I might do to myself, if I lose touch with reality. I feel like I am not being fair to them, but I am fighting so hard. I wish I could just snap out of this.

I used to always think I would die in my 30’s, I am 39. I realized this week I have died, the life I once lived no longer exists. Yes, I breathe and have a pulse, but I do not live. I pray, sincerely pray that I can ressurect and be the person God intends me to be, pure and whole.

Ten Years….Gone But Not Forgotten

There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

Ten years ago today my dear friend MJ gave the gift of life by donating blood, and sometime later went hiking in the mountains that he loved to do what he loved, take pictures of nature. He lost his footing and fell, and died instantly.

I miss him deeply. Grieve still. I believe that some friendships are blessed to be eternal. I eagerly await the day that I can introduce him to my husband.

MJ I am not going to say Rest In Peace, because resting is so far from what you are doing. I know you are busy teaching and doing whatever assignments you have been given in the Spirit World, so I am going to say God Speed! I know your Spirit has that amazing smile, so keep smiling.

Silly Saturday: It’s Laughter Time! YAY!!!

I am finding that Silly Saturday is one of my favorite days to write. I love laughter. I usually create laughter at my infirmities and short comings, I suppose it is a defense mechanism.

One example that comes to mind, is how I get car sick really really easily. The sure fire way you know I am about to completely lose the battle against it is that I start laughing hysterically, and I cannot stop. My step-daughters used to think that was the most hilarious thing. I remember riding on Germantown Road between Hillsboro and Portland, Oregon. That is one winding and twinding road over the mountain. My husband liked taking it fast. My stomach was lost of the first curve. I started laughing. My laughter intensified when from the backseat I hear hear two girls yelling and laughing, “Oh NO! She is laughing!!! She is going to spew!”. There is nowhere to pull off on the road and we did not have a bag in the car. I blasted the AC in my face and opened the window the get the air rushing more, that sometimes helps. Between the laughter at myself, the girls, the air, and we finally found flat ground “spew” free. Found a parking lot for me to walk around in for a few minutes, crisis was averted. Whew!

Yes, laughing at myself, is something I do. I once to laughed much more than I do these days, so taking Saturdays to finding jokes or funny things reminds me to laugh.

Today I am going to share a few jokes that I found that are quite comical.
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Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile…..somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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Red Shirt

There was a captain sailing on the sea during a battle. His servant came up to him and the captain said, “bring me my red shirt”.

So, the servant did as the captain said.

After that the servant came up to the captain and said, Why did you say bring me my red shirt”?

The captain said, “Well if i get shot they won’t see the blood.

The next day the servant came up to the captain and said, “There are 50 ships on the horizon.”

The captain said, “Bring me my brown pants.”
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Doggone Brilliant

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, “I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

“Where’s that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”
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Letter From Grandma

I got a letter from Grandma the other day.

She writes: The other day, I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is… and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD!! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach”….

I saw another waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson, in the back seat, what that meant. In a strange voice He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing… why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

Blank Page, Blank Stare, Blank Mind

Ever had one of those days that you just cannot think? I look at the screen and my mind is blank, there is nothing coming to mind to blog about. I know I am depressed, I cannot put my finger on why, except that we had to shell out alot of money for new tires and we still have that awful shake. The hubby now thinks it is the tie rod ends. That will be another $400 atleast, I just paid $150 on medical bills this morning and more I need to send off.

Crawling under my blanket and hiding does not seem to help. The world keeps turning. I should get dressed and go try to take some pictures, but my mind is so jumbled right now. I want to sleep.

In my dreams I have spent time with those that have passed away. My friend MJ has been in my dreams alot lately, and my Grandmother last night. I am supposed to be keeping a dream journal for therapy, but I am only remembering bits and pieces of the dreams, so I have not written any down. I know that spending time with MJ and Grandmother– I do not want to wake up from those dreams. I wish I could snatch them from the dream and bring them back, no, no I don’t. I do not wish the world that we live in today on them, since they have already passed their test. I will just meet them in my dreams occassionally. Enjoying the familiarity without them being subjected to this world again.

I suppose for someone that did not have anything to say, I am rambling. I guess I will go see if I can capture something in nature with my camera.

Nightblind Hyundai Bulldozer Operator and the Princess

“Humor is infectious. It lightens burdens, inspires hope, connects us to others, increases our insight, keeps us grounded, focused, alert, and happy. Laughter is a universal language that stimulates both sides of the brain.” ~Happy Thoughts Travel Fast

I really like that quote. Her blog is fun and light hearted. The things I read did not have anthing off color, just good clean fun. If I missed anything naughty and I am recommending it, I apologize.

I have really been down in the dumps since I received my denial from disability. It’s not so much the actual denial as the wording. This evening I thought about it alot and I hate only sharing negativity, even if that is what I am feeling. I want to be true to what my blog is about and that is the healing journey, but only writing the negativity does not help me, or those of you that are struggling too.

Looking back on my site stats and the posts that seem to get the most hits are those that have humor in them. Today I decided that I would try to start writing a humorous memory each day. I know that it will be theraputic for me, and hopefully bring a smile to your faces too.

This memory does not start of humorous, but it is one of those moments that humor heals the soul.

Several years ago our family was going through a very difficult time. My cousin’s fiance had been killed in an automobile accident while on the way to visit her for lunch. She was beside herself in grief, as anyone would be. He was not only her fiance, but her brother’s best friend. We all loved him dearly, and he was a part of the family.

After his death she came to Utah, where I was living at the time, and where Luke would be laid to rest. She walked around like a zombie, a beautiful blonde hair blue eyed lifeless zombie. She was lost without her Luke. Her smile and laughter that would light up the darkest room was gone. it was as if she had been in the car with him, I think there were times she wished that she had been.

One evening we had gone somewhere, and I drove. Why nightblind queen drove, I am not sure, but I am glad I did. When we arrived back to her brother’s apartment complex I was basically trying to remember the turns by heart, I had just said I know there is a building up here somewhere, when everyone screamed, “Banana watchout for the building!” I slammed on brakes just in time. I was about to plow straight into it. I was inches away from pulling into someone’s livingroom.

Then we heard it. Laughter, beautiful laughter. She could not stop. I do not remember how long she laughed that night.

It has been 15-16 years since that time. That beautiful cousin met another prince, married, and they lived happily ever after. Almost everytime we talk she reminds me of the time I nearly bulldozed the apartment complex with my Hyundai Elantra, but in doing so I reminded her how to laugh for the first time since Luke’s death.

Sometimes being nightblind is a blessing I suppose.

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And the Thunder Rolls

With summer comes the famous summer thunderstorm. Though not quite summer, we are having quite the treat! I love a good thunderstorm.

When I moved to Utah, I missed my south Georgia storms so much. I talked to my best friend MJ about my love of storms and the comfort they gave me. One morning bright and early MJ called. The first words out of his mouth were, “Did you hear it?”. Still half asleep I had no idea what I was supposed to have heard. Then he went on to tell me that there had been a thunderstorm in the middle of the night, it woken him up, and he hoped that I had heard it. Bummed I had slept through the rare Utah storm.

I am think of storms because we are having an amzing the display right now. I love it. My fur babies on the other hand, hate it. My bed feels like a magic fingers bed that I used to beg my parents to put a quarter in when we went on vacation as children. Each strike the fur babies jump on me, “Mom, did you hear it”? I am sure that if MJ peeks in once in a while from the Spirit World, he probably gets a good laugh.

Some people come in your life and they live an impression, others leave part of themselves. My friendship with MJ is like that. This year will be ten years since he passed away. When he passed he gave me a very special gift, a gift a dear friendship with his Mom. we are much more than friends, we are family. We both know the MJ we know and love is still MJ and when it is our turn to step through the veil, he will be standing there with that perfect MJ smile welcoming us home.

This blog is surely a free flowing thought today. I guess I am pensive.

I think about the last three days. Friday went well.

Yesterday went really well until my fight or flight kicked in with something completely stupid, but it did give my husband and I an opportunity to talk about how things that did not bother me before trigger me now. I realize I need to be in control of my environment as much as I can be. No loud noises or things that move rhythmically without me being in control.

I have a question to pose for those reading. The thing that triggered me last night, like I said it was extremely stupid, but I could not tell my husband to stop. My purse spilled in the floor of the car, and I was picking up change up. He being playful and funny, started pushing the car so it bounced. The rhythm of the car and my not being in control of the movement sent me into a panic, and anger. Anger that he did not realize it bothered me, anger that I was not in control. My hands were shaking, my heart raced, and I could barely pick up my coins. I realize it was stupid, but my body was still acting this way. Which made me even more upset.

Now my question, as we we discussed coming up with a sign to use when I did not feel I could say the words that something is triggering. This is often the case because of trust. I do not trust that my words will be heard or trusted. I do not trust that I can say them nicely enough or that he will hear them the way I mean them and will rather take then offensively. When that happens it then becomes something of dischord, which only makes things worse. It is something we are working on together, another process. (I read this post to him first.) Is there a sign or something you have come up with and helps you to relay to others close to you to please stop they are doing something that is triggering you?

Today, the Sabbath, mostly a good day. A few tears shed, but all in all it was a nice day at Church. One of my cute little children that I work with in Primary (the Children’s Church) kept taking me by the hand everytime he was asked by the other teacher to do something he wanted me right there with him. Warmed my heart. I love children, I really wish I could have had my own. One day I will understand why. My one day is not now, but one day I will.

I suppose with the rumbling tummy’s and since for now the storms have passed, I should go cook supper.

I look forward to hearing about any signs you use to notify others they are triggering you.