Tag Archives: Hate

Whose Expectations, Extra Pressure

One of my worst character traits is caring way too much what others think about me, and trying to live up to perceived expectations. I have always done this, many nightmares past and present show this. Being in the deepest abyss of depression that I find myself these days, what seems to be the smallest comment to someone else throws me into a self loathing fit wanting to end it all. Literally masking anything good in life.

I hate that I am like this. I hate that I let others down, real or perceived. I wish healing was an immediate fix, but it is not. I am trying, but I often wonder why. Three or four steps forward seven or eight backward. Kind of like debt with high interest that you only pay the monthly payment are you ever going to get from under the debt?

Yes, my medications were changed last week. Last week. We do not know if they are going to work yet. Right now I do not feel any better, but it has only been a week. I do not like being broken! Makes this PG language speaking girl want to use some R rated language!! I hate that I even think it, because when little Hope comes she does not have the filter that I do, which is very strange, because I did not swear as a child either. I can bite my tongue, with her she just wants to let all the anger out. Maybe she is the smart part of me, I am afraid of the anger. I am afraid that when it starts it will not stop, and also that I become an ugly no Christ-like person expressing it. So conflicted.

I feel like I need a punching bag and put my face on it. Yelling, screaming, and beating the crap out of me would feel so good. Yes, I get frustrated with others, but I loathe myself. I expect too much emotionally from myself, expected to be healed today or yesterday because that is what others expect or at least that is what I perceive they feel.

I do not know how to turn off that part of myself so that I do not put my energy into what others think, but rather focus on healing. Right now I am spinning my tires and getting burnt out.

I’m Trying So Hard, But Failing Miserably

So I had this incredibly funny post this morning, after talking to the the disability board.  I have tried to stay positive today, THEN I read the letter.  I am so upset, and feel like my emotions are out of control.  Starting at step one.  

The letter said, “You may be depressed at times…”  Depressed at times.  What does that feel like?  I would love to be depressed “at times”!!  No, I do not have the privilege of being depressed at times.  It is a daily battle for me.  What was my first instinct when I read that?  Go grab my medicines and take them, all of them!!  Depressed at times!!  

I am so tired of living through all of this crap, having to fight for a moment of peace and solace.  Trying to find things that make me happy.  Trying to remember where I have been and when I have been there.  I am so sick of it.  There has to be an end to this.  

I am so so sorry for laying this out there, but I promised when I started this blog, I would share the good and the bad.  This is a really bad day for me.  I get knocked down so easily, and kicked and kicked and kicked.

Maybe my problem is because I fight suicide so hard.  I fight it with all my might.  I see it as something that hurts those I love, maybe that was wrong to tell the mental health professionals.  Does that make me not want to do it, not even?  Each time I get closer to that fine line that separates sanity and insanity, in those horrible moments that I have to fight.  I sometimes wonder if they would not be better off without me here, their pain would hurt, but they would not have to deal with me day in and day out.  I hate being crazy.

That’s okay, “I am only depressed at times.” No problem.  It is not killing my family every time I call and tell them that I have those feelings.  It does not kill them every time they see “her” come out, because it is only “at times”.  

Depression was not the only thing on the claim either: migraines, diabetes, high blood pressure, constant anemia, and asthma.  That is okay, the government caters to who they want to cater to.  They want to kill the rest of us off.  I suppose I am on that kill off list.

I am sorry for getting political, but I am extremely upset right now.  My lawyer is appealing the case.  Most cases are denied the first time, but those words hurt me so bad.  Until then, I will continue with my therapy, stay in my ball, and hope that I can make it through one moment at a time, cause one moment seems like a very long time.