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Mother, Tell Me ‘Bout The Good Ole Days

The Judds song Grandpa. How I love the lyrics.

Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days
Sometimes it feels like this worlds gone crazy
Grandpa, take me back to yesterday
When the line between right and wrong
Didn’t seem so hazy.

I could not help but think of the lyrics as I Mother drove me around the neighborhoods of her youth. I mentioned to her remembering only one thing about my Grandmommy’s home, the brick wall around the carport. It had perfect squares that reminded me of the squares from the Price Is Right game where you put the dice in with the correct numbers to win the car.  Funny how we associate things. Associating probably helped me remember it.

When we arrived at the end of the street where the house stood, Mother commented that she had not seen it driving by. She then told me the number we were looking for. Before this point I looked for the familiar brick work. We turned the car around, as the numbers on the homes descended, getting closer to the house number we looked for, a childlike eagerness rose.  Almost holding my breath as I recorded with my Iphone. Then we arrived.

Our hearts sank. An empty lot where the home once stood. The home where I ate many hard Christmas candies. You know the kind only grandparents bought back in the day.  It was not really that it tasted that great, but it was a special treat for being at Grandmommy’s–those candies.

The house where I would see placed carefully on her dresser, the hairnets. Meticulously made with strands of her own hair. My heart was sad. More sad for my Mother than myself, she had many more memories than I in the home. Grandmommy passed away a few weeks before my fifth birthday.

We went by the family burial plot. I do not know that I have been there since I was a child. It’s very humbling to stand at the feet of these amazing people. I have read and researched so much in family history. I love my family. As I stood at Papa’s feet, I thought about his life. His Daddy had mental health problems, and back in his day they did not have the help we do now. He died in an institution.  As sad as that is, it also connects me to him. An empathy that I have not felt before as I thought about him.  Three of my Grandmother’s sisters were buried there with their parents, I only knew one of them.  The others passed away before my birth.

I wore a short-sleeved shirt today not realizing the temperature would drop steadily. When I looked down at my goose bump filled arms, I saw something else that I inherited from this side of my family. Freckles. Those freckles that I cursed as I teen, I learned to accept and see at a link to my irish heritage as an adult. Both Papa and Grandmommy’s family heritage gift to me.

All in all it the day brought smiles with only a few tears. I am so grateful for the smiles. I am grateful for the memories Mother shared, and the new memories we created together. My heart needed it. I felt like me.

My doctors appointments went well also. My doctor added Abilify to my medicines hoping to amp up my other meds enough that I will not have the panic attacks. Keeping my fingers crossed. Since there is not a medication specifically for dissociative disorders you must treat the symptoms and the anxiety and depression, and work on integration.

One of the things that makes me sad when I think about it, is after having such a peaceful, pure, and innocent experience with Little Shanna the other day.  Developing a relationship with her.  I do not want her or me to think of integration as me getting rid of her or killing her. I keep trying to tell myself that it is like me hugging her really really tight, so tight that she becomes a part of me.  I hope she feels that way.

Family Relationships

Right now I am listening to 80s music on the TV contemplating complicated relationships.

I am so grateful for the family that I was blessed to be born into. They are so delightfully normal. Yes, we have our mental health issues, our quarrels, our whatevers, but we are always there for each other no matter what. Whether we agree or disagree with choices, we are the biggest supporters and cheerleaders. I can pick up the phone at anytime and call anyone one of them, and know that I will get someone who loves me, that will laugh with me or cry with me, or both. If I need to run away from life their doors are always open. Home is with my family.

I thought this is what being a part of a family is. I have learned through my years of growing up that my family is the exception, not the rule. How blessed I am, to have my family.

Days of love, honor, respect, and gratitude towards parents long gone. Then there are parents who abuse and neglect their children, or at the very least let the system raise them. Generation upon generation speaking and doing all manner of vulgarities around their forming minds, then wondering why those children act out. To be apart of such a family is like taking me and putting me on another planet, I feel like a stranger in a foreign land. I do not know how to react or interact.

There is so much more that I want to type about the matter. So much more, but reason and not reacting in haste stops me. So I speak vaguely. I am just really aggravated and really grateful at the same time.

I am thankful for my husband, parents, siblings, and extended family by birth!!!

Try It Thursday: Natural Cleaning Solution, Does It Work?

I have severe allergies. When I use bleach or almost any chemical for that matter, I am pretty much guaranteed to end up in bed with a migraine. With that being said I am always looking for a better natural alternative to store-bought chemical cleaners.

Right now I have three bottles of citrus peels, vinegar, and water that I use. Sometimes though, that just does not do the trick. I result to the bleach, and suffer the consequences. I need more, something I can do, and on a budget that cleans and disinfects, but does not send me to bed. Pinesol is out, Mr. Clean is not as bad, but still gets me. HELP!

So off to scour the internet for the solution. No pun intended, ok, puns definitely intended.

I have always heard of Borax for laundry, but never for these other uses.

This site also contains 25 other uses for Borax. Pretty impressive.

My kitchen sink and my bathroom are the two places that are where I want to try it out.

I have Sweet Orange Essential Oil, I wonder what it would do if I mixed the two. Hmmm…

I have read on several sites that you can mix them. YAY!

Do you have any recipes for home cleaners that have worked? Please share, I am willing to try almost anything.


Daily Prompt: In His Constant Care

Daily Prompt: The Artist’s Eye
Is there a painting or sculpture you’re drawn to? What does it say to you? Describe the experience.


This “In His Constant Care” by Simon Dewey. It speaks to me for deep reasons.

I know there are people who read my blog who have lost children through no fault of their own. I hope this image brings comfort.

It brings me comfort through my infertility. We will all be resurrected one day as were laid to rest. There are numerous babies and children that have died at the hands of their parents, that will not be reunited with them in the resurrection. You see such awful things on the news every day, these sweet babies are innocent and will be blessed with all the Father has in store, including parents who love them.

I believe with all my being that my arms will be filled with one or more of these special children during the millennium, and I will raise them in a beautiful world of peace–Governed by Christ. I recognize that I must be righteous to receive such a beautiful honored and sacred gift, I have so much to do before then, but for now, I am grateful to know that my babies are in “His Constant Care.”

Great are thy tender mercies, O Lord. ~ Psalms 119:156