Tag Archives: Hope

Free Sowing

Free Sowing.  It’s a gardening term that my therapist taught me as she gifted me some parsley, basil, and chia seeds.  It means seeds that do not require much tending to grow.

The last year and a half, I have required so much tending and care, that I am happy to be at my free sown phase.  I have happy days.  I have real moments when the dark foggy abyss abates, and I feel the sunlight on my face.  Those moments are longer and longer.  Words cannot adequately give gratitude to how that feels.

The pivotal moment for me occurred when I saw my friend on the street and presented with the opportunity to tell him forgave him. I reiterated I knew his daddy caused him to do the things he did to me.  Something happened that day, he told me that he was wrong, relating also, his father often told him to do things he should not have done.  I was no longer the only one saying these things happened.  I  no longer doubted my memories.  A tender mercy that I prayed for, answered very directly.  My husband witnessed his confession as he sat silently in the car beside me.

Since our conversation, surprisingly, days passed without a thought of the abuse or my abusers.  The long-awaited mental reprieve granted.  Not to spread all sunshine and roses, some days are still hard, but many more happy days of light than before.

What of my alters?

They still remain vigilent.  I am learning to live with them and they me.

Gidget fulfills her job as protector, and gets quite upset if I do not let her do her job.  She speaks up in situations that I should speak up and don’t or won’t.   She also loves to laugh and play jokes.  A few weeks back my husband and I went on a date.  Gidget came out.  I had shrimp on my plate.  When she allowed me to come back there were green beans in a smiley face with one shrimp as a IMG_2272nose staring at me.  Apparently she had told Mother she was not going to let me eat all the food at the restaurant.  She really likes Ole Times, and shrimp.

Squirt, or Little Shanna, her feelings are so tender.  She has been happier.  She watched Curious George a couple of times.  Mother said she gave her a play- by-play of what George was doing.  She still has some of her fears, but she is feeling safer.

Adrian.  I do not know what to say about Adrian.  Mother can talk to her and get through to her.  She does not like me, AT ALL.  She is very angry.  Though relatively quiet the last few weeks, she still makes part our “family”.

I suppose the dream of being “normal” – alter free- when I started to feel better, isn’t going to happen.  They are my normal.  Learning to live with them and accepting this part of my life is key.

 

 

 

Busy Hands Trying To Silence My Mind

Mentally busy today updating my OS on my Macbook and then trying to figure out how to get Zemanta on my blog.  Oh how I have missed Zemanta.

Really the goal has been to keep my mind off of my doctors appointments tomorrow.  When I go to therapy and my psychiatrist, the waiting room is generally not too crowded, but my internist and my pulminologist, oftentimes it is standing room only.  So my anxiety as already started, go figure.

Wow I did not realize what time it was, it is already time for me to cook dinner for the hubs.  Where is he?  Hmmmm…Yeah, that is a phone call to make, wish I had not noticed the time.

Thanks for reading.  Have a great evening! ~Hope

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Making A List and Checking It Twice

I know. It’s not Christmas, nor am I Santa or Mrs. Claus. I am just finding that I need lists, lots and lots of lists.

I have four Stickies full of to do items on my Macbook desktop. My memory has just gotten so bad. I am trying to put items on my lists as I remember to do them, and I will put them on my calendar as they are done.

I have been meaning to write one of my dear sweet friends for a couple of months. I would start then stop, then wonder if I sent it. Start then stop. Vicious routine. I was able to move that to my completed yesterday. FINALLY!

One of the BIG items, that I dread is doing my taxes. In the past it has not stressed me out. Doing taxes has been my thing. I have prepared all kinds of taxes for companies as well as prepared and passed audits, but this year, the anxiety is getting the best of me. It is one of those things that I need to just get done, bit the bullet and get it over with.

I’ll tell you what, functioning on Abilify is difficult. Simply because the lack of sleep from before has grown exponentially. I am getting so little sleep now. I sleep a little bit more last night than the to previous nights simply because I took a muscle relaxant for my back. That and a sleeping pill from Wal-Mart along with my other meds. I cannot do that every night, that is not healthy. I am going to see how I do on it this weekend and if I am still an insomniac then I will call the Dr. on Monday.

Well speaking of lists, I suppose I need to work knocking a few items off of one or two of them.

Have a great Friday!! ~Hope

Can I Have This Dance?

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When you live with an alter, especially when you are first realizing and learning to live. It is like getting to know a new roommate. This roommate, unlike a college roommate, shares everything you do, but is much more difficult to get to know. It is truly a trial and error.

I have been fighting Little Hope for a long time. Angry that she intruded on my life. This week I have tried to accept her more, and befriend her more to understand her. She has remained hidden most of the week as I have dealt with my feelings about her.

Today however, I went to my kitchen to do the dishes and start dinner and I could feel her. My anxiety level began to rise. The more I felt her the more anxious I got. Then I stopped and began to talk with her, calmly nurturing her. Reminding her of the fun times that she and Granny had in the kitchen cooking and cleaning. I reminded her of some of the details. She began to settle down. She then showed me an image of her dancing with a doll. She was happy.

I had music playing in the background. It was one of Enya’s songs. I asked her if I could dance with her. She liked that idea. I closed my eyes and hugged myself and danced around my kitchen. Tears streaming down my face. I think it was the first time she really trusted me.

After I danced I had an idea. I know that I like to write, and writing helps me to get my thoughts out. I wondered if it would help her. I asked her if she wanted to keep a journal. She did not know what a journal was so I had to explain that it is a book that we put our thoughts in to help us feel better. It would be her own special book. We can put whatever we want in our own journal. I explained to her that I would create a special place on my computer just for her journal, and anytime that she needed get something out, then she could tell me or she could type it. Though, I honestly I hope this will be a way that she trusts me enough to let me be out all the time. I will not go into the things she told me. Those are her secrets. If she gives me permission to write them on my blog I will, but until then it is her journal.

To some this might make me sound more crazy, but to me, I feel more sane. I feel like I am getting somewhere with her. At least today, tomorrow it might be different, she is a five-year old.

All I know is these forty-year old eyes are sleepy and going crossed from looking at this Mac most of the day except when I was dancing with myself in the kitchen.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have a wonderful night! ~Hope

Can YOU Help Me?

Today I have been in bed all day with a headache.  I keep telling myself that I need to get up and do something, but I do not have the energy.  Between my head throbbing and the medication zapping me.  I keep saying I will use my energy to cook supper.  I am cooking Chicken Parmesan tonight.

I have been more down today emotionally too.  I do not know why.  I suppose it could be the rain coming.  I know that is probably why my head is throbbing.  The barometric pressure reeks havoc on my brain.

So anyway, I need your help.

I am working on filling my MP3 with music that I can listen to when I need to disconnect the emotional fuse, or when I am depressed.  

What songs do you think I should put on my MP3?  What are some uplifting, not necessarily church, but it can be, music that inspires you. What about relaxes you? What about funny songs?  I do not listen to music with swearing, but I’m pretty much open to all styles.

Thank you so much in advance for your help!

Good Day, Even With Migraine

I am very thankful for good days. I talked to one of my cousins that I was roommates with many years ago. We enjoyed many good times together, and learned so much about ourselves during that time. It was nice to talk to her. Though she is my first cousin, she lives across country and we hardly take the time to talk like we once did. I miss her dearly, but when we talk, it is as if we are still roommates.

Though my head was splitting with a migraine today, I kept the same hope inside from my doctor’s appointment that I will be whole one day. I know that I will not feel this way every day, so days that I can remember this, I cannot express fully how grateful I am.

Tonight I am typing on my hand me down MacBook. I love it. It is so much easier to type up a quick post than on my Ipad. I love my Ipad too, do not get me wrong, love all my Apple products.

The weather was somewhat warmer today. I think it was in the mid-forties. Even at that, it was nice to snuggle up with the Mister tonight and have a silent mind. I was so nervous that she would start yelling and ruin a tender moment that we needed. How I missed my husband’s arms and gentle strength. A side only I know.

This evening we talked about how we seize these moments because we never know when I will be afraid and hold him at arm’s length or farther. I am so grateful for his patience and understanding.

I had no idea it was this late. I suppose I should go to sleep.

Nite all. Sweet dreams.

What’s In A Name

What is in a name? Those words keep coming to mind today.

When I started this blog I specifically chose the nome de plume Hope. Hope according to Webster means:

: the feeling of wanting something to happen and thinking that it could happen : a feeling that something good will happen or be true

: the chance that something good will happen

: someone or something that may be able to provide help : someone or something that gives you a reason for hoping

Each of these meanings encapsulated what and who I wanted to be on my blog and who I want to come out on the other side of this journey. As an adult, I recognize that I use that name to write behind, and it is a symbolic representation of who I am. Something I am learning in therapy about my alter that it so hard to grasp, is she processes things like a child.

Have you ever jokingly called a child by another name? It might be cute a time or two, but children get pretty defiant about their names. That is their identity. These last few days as I have thought about this child, and in essence tried to mother her and understand her, I look towards the children that I have worked with through the years as my mentors.

I remember one child that I had the hardest time remembering her name, and then once I remembered it, learning to spell it was a completely new endeavor. Each time I would forget her name her face would sink, I felt horrible. Same when I spelled it incorrectly. Her expression showed that she did not feel as important as the other children or even forgotten. Which was not the case, gratefully I corrected my problem and she smiles alot now.

So what is in a name? My name is Shanna. My name means God is gracious. When put on a scale Hope and Shanna, the meanings are very similiar. I know that I CAN do all things through Christ that strengthens me. I am Shanna. I will always be Shanna. I have always been Shanna, except for the first six weeks when I was Nicki, but my Daddy decided I was Shanna. He was right, I AM SHANNA.

Little Shanna his hurt and angry that I do not use our name on a regular basis on this blog. I did not understand why until I realized that is her identity. She is already so afraid of being alone and forgotten. I will never let her be alone and forgotten again, but I am still going to go by Hope. I might occassionally name drop, Shanna, just to remind her, but I am the adult, and I need to do what is best for us.

Find the Good Friday: Kieran Gets New Ears

I love this story not only for young Kieran, but for a young friend of mine with the same condition on her right ear. My little friend can actually hear through her little “flap” better than she can her other ear, but it is great to know that this cosmetic surgery is available to these children if they desire it. It is seen as cosmetic, but really, it is emotional. I am proud of this little man’s courage.

Little Boy Gets New Ears

Song of the Heart Sunday: Hope of God’s Light

“It is part of our condition as mortal beings to sometimes feel as though we are surrounded by darkness. We might have lost a loved one; a child might have strayed; we might have received a troubling medical diagnosis; we might have employment challenges and be burdened by doubts or fears; or we might feel alone or unloved.

“But even though we may feel lost in the midst of our current circumstances, God promises the hope of His light — He promises to illuminate the way before us and show us the way out of darkness….

“There may be some among you who feel darkness encroaching upon you,” he said. “You may feel burdened by worry, fear, or doubt. To you and to all of us, I repeat a wonderful and certain truth — God’s light is real. It is available to all. It gives life to all things. … It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn.” Dieter F Uchtdorf

This talk touches my heart and souls and the Spirit testifies that it is true.

Wishful Wednesday: Honeymoon Again Please?

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Eight years and one month ago my husband and I were spending our first days of marriage in a cabin in Helen, Georgia. Chimney 5 was the name of our cabin. It was so romantic. Since we do not drink, the owners had sparkling cider waiting for us when we arrived. It would have been chilled, but we got lost, very lost, and made several detours!

My bucket list includes returning to our cabin, hopefully sooner rather than later. We had so many fun times there and so much laughter. Hours and hours just getting to know each other as husband and wife. Very happy memories. Makes me think of the quote by Thomas S Monson, “God gives us memories to be June roses in the Decembers of our lives.”

This was the first place I cooked for him as his wife, Chicken Echilladas. We bought our first set of Lock N Lock in Helen, we had never seen it before. We love the stuff now!

We could have lived in the jacuzzi. It is in a screened in porch and overlooks the valley. It is so beautiful, relaxing, and romantic. We have both said we want one, eight years later we are still wanting.

I look forward to the day that we can go back to our cabin and Helen. There are several reasons. First and greatest, it will mean I have healed enough to be intimate with my husband. Second, we will be better off financially. Third, I have wanted to go back since the day we left. Forth, I want to actually spend some time in the village of Helen, and in nature too. We spent almost all of our time in the cabin when we went for our honeymoon. I am sure if I sat here I could come up with many many more reason that this is a perfect bucket list item for me!