Tag Archives: Life

Why I Blog and A Question

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One of the reasons I stopped blogging a few months ago was because I was so caught up in numbers.  Worrying about my stats daily.  Am I being boring?  What are my readers thinking?  Between that and Little Hope angry that I called her Hope, it just became too much.

Today I have thought about what drives me to write.  Mainly to get the thoughts out to calm me.  Others is to connect with others.  I hope my words do reach others, and somehow help them.  Even it is helps them, helps YOU not feel so alone.

Originally I had hoped to make money blogging, but I know my blog is not going to ever make money.  It is not about a money-making topic that brings people in droves.  Maybe down the road when I am farther along in my journey, I will visit that idea again.  Right now I want to focus on quality posts about my life.

This is the life I am living.  This blog is much more than a blog to me, it is my online journal.  I am going to treat it as such.  I hope as I do you do not get bored reading.  Gratefully, some days are boring.  I long for those days.  Days that I can say, “Today I cleaned house and cooked dinner.”  Of course I will go into more details, and talk more about what I am feeling.

I do have a QUESTION. Before my hiatus when I blogged at the bottom in visual mode it offered suggestions on blogs that I could pingback to, blogs that had similar subject matter.  I do not see this anymore.  Is there something that I need to activate to get that back or what?  I do not remember what it is called.  I would love to have that option again.  I think it was a great way to network in our blogging community.  If you know what it is or how I can get it back PLEASE let me know.  Thanks!

I hope you all have a wonderful night! -Hope

New Year, New Look

Decided to change-up the look of my blog. I do not know if I will keep it this way or not. I really like the look of the owl, and I read to see what the owl symbolizes. It is wisdom. I should have known that.

I sang the little ditty as a child. “A wise old owl sat on an oak. The more he heard the less he spoke, the less he spoke the more he heard. Why aren’t we all like that old bird.” We would sing it over and over again in rounds.

Wisdom. What is wisdom? Wisdom is something you can only gain through experience. No one can give it to you as a gift wrapped in a pretty bow. You cannot read it in a book or on a blog, and magically bestow it through osmosis. No, wisdom comes through your own application of knowledge to your experiences. This journey is my journey to a completely new wisdom. I am learning more about myself that I ever knew existed and parts that I did not know I hid. I will learn how to work together with myself to create a powerful them so that we can do as the image of the owl states “Shine On.”

I have been counseled for years to gain knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge has always come very easy to me. Almost too easy. I suppose you could call me a nerd. Wisdom, not so much. I have to learn life’s lessons time and time again, before the wisdom sticks. This time, however long it takes, however many lessons are involved, I will gain the wisdom I need.  Can’t go around it, can’t go over it, can’t go under it, must go through it.
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So for me funny moment happened today, at my husband’s expense. He teases me constantly about my memory, as I addressed a couple of days ago. Today however, he called me on the way home from work and told me that he was at CVS picking up his medications. I was super confused and asked him, “Didn’t you pick those up yesterday?” That’s when he started laughing. He said he started thinking about the coupons he had to use at CVS and said he would go today since he had to pick up his medications anyway. The pharmacist tech looked and looked, and probably thought they had lost another of our prescriptions. (I called and reported them to corporate a few weeks ago for losing prescriptions.) This time it was not them, it was my adorable husband and his perfect memory. Thankful for those moments!

Sharing A Brain

Last night Little Hope made herself known. Sharing a brain with her, and being trapped when she appears, is terrifying. Last night, I felt sorry for her. She was so scared.

My husband and I were talking about money issues. I became emotional. I could feel her trying to take over. I whispered under my breath, “No. Do not come.” Several times, but it was no use. She had pushed me back, and was now in a room with someone she did not recognize. She was terrified and very scared. Internally I tried to calm her and tell her who my husband was, she continued to push back against me. I was also mentally begging my husband to call my Mother. (Mother and I had talked about next time she came out that Mother would try to reach her and get her to make some of the same promises I have made.) In her fear and hysterics she pushed back at my so hard that I do not remember everything.

It is hard sharing a brain with someone that is a part of you but that you do not recognize and you do not control. Once I swictch back, I was so exhausted.

Though my life is no laughing matter, I do have to say my choice of movies last night did make me chuckle after I realized the plot. The Host I told Tracy that is often how I feel. Hopefully, she and I can become friends like Wanda and Melanie.

It’s My Life

It is hard to say whether or not I should consider my last few weeks as eventful. Most of my days have been spent in my room with my blankets pulled up to my nose while I watch a Glee Marathon now I am on to Party of Five. I had brief breaks from the shows to watch movies, and a couple of days of doctor appointments, I vetured down to my parents a couple of times, and then I attempted to cook supper for my husband maybe three times. I also went to church on Sunday, but ended up coming home.

My life has become very sheltered. The last couple of days I have found words to describe how I feel. You see people in abusive relationships. They become imprisioned and cut off from their support system by their abuser. That is what I feel like “Little Hope” is trying to do to me. I do not know if she thinks that is her way of protecting me or manipulating me. I really feel like her wanting to kill me is her feeling like she has been the one that has protected us for all these years, and if I go away she will still be here strong, and I will not be hurting. Death through the eyes of a child is like it plays out on a cartoon, you come right back. I do not know if she realizes that we or she would not come right back. I do not know. I can only guess what she is thinking and feeling, and go by the memories and feelings that I have after she has manifested herself. Sometimes I am present with her as an imprisoned bystander and others I have very little memory to no memory that she took over.

Our minds are facinating and terrifying things. Though this Little One is me, because of her defiance, I do not feel any connection to her. When I think back to me as a child, that is not how I was.

Earlier this week my young cousin told her Mom that her teacher had gotten angry threw her folder, scattering papers everywhere, and then told the child that it was her fault to clean it up. When confronted the teacher lied infront of the Principal and then my little cousin was given a lecture about lying. Gratefully her peers came forward and backed her story and she has now been transferred out of that class.

My cousin’s courage gave me the courage to seek out my abusive teacher. It scares me that she is still a teacher, but I also know people can change. I first wrote her to verify that it was indeed her. It was and she remembered me. My anxiety shot through the roof when the last words she wrote were “Good to hear from a former student.”

She had no idea what I was about to write. Being the person I am and truly hoping she has changed, I wrote in the sandwhich method that I learned in management training years ago. Good BAD Good. Meaning good news and nice, bad news and harsh, good news and nice again.

I based the good news and nice on the few things she told me in her first email, and then I reminded her exactly who I was. I detailed the things she did to me and how they made me feel, then and now. I also let her know that I spoke to others in my class and without prompting they had the same memories. They also have their own stories to tell. I let her know that I was giving voice to the child that did not have one back then.

I let her know some of the good things that have happened in my life and that we share the love of working with those that have special needs. She changed from regular ed and is now a special needs teacher. I also commended her for getting out of teaching for a while to raise her boys. My Mother was a stay at home mom, and it was so important to me. I know not everyone can.

There were several things that I mentioned. I tried to express that I was not coming down on the person she is today, but in hopes of forgiving her I needed to let her know what it had done to me. I need to heal.

Sadly, I have not heard back from her. No apology, no excuses, no nothing. Now, it worries me that she still teaches. In my heart of hearts, I really thought as an mature adult, realizing what her actions had done, she would have apologized. I have now drafted a letter to her Principal, but have not hit send. I know her Principal well. I am waiting, in the hopes she is just processing the information. I know I should not expect and apology, I just hoped.

After writing the letter to her I spoke outloud, letting “Little Hope” know that I have taken care of it. She can become one with me and know that she will not be forgotten, but I will take care of us. I do not know if she heard me or not. She seems to listen in on my other conversations.

Yesterday when my husband and I where having lunch together, we were talking about teachers. I do not remember exactly what he said. I excused myself to to restroom. While in there she fought so hard to manifest, I knew I needed to get back out to my husband. I do not know what set her off. I do not know if she got full control or not, I was fighting so hard for her not to. I have not asked my husband, I remember seeing fear in his eyes. He kept saying we could go, but I remember telling him no that I needed him to get his dessert. I felt like she was trying to control that situation, she did not want him to be able to have his dessert, he has been waiting for that for a while. She knew I would feel awful if it was my fault that he did not have it. I do not remember him eating it or leaving.

Today is Saturday. I have family coming in. I am praying for a good day with no suprise guests.

My Journey

Photo Credits: cdn.picturecorrect.com

My Journey

Screaming without a voice.
Trying to connect with a life
I do not recognize.
Words on a page or a screen
My identity.

Floods of daily tears,
Occassional flashes of me.
Nature’s storms outside raging,
Empathic reflections of
My inner tempest.

I no longer search for the old me.
I must rebuild.
Recreate.
Rediscover.
Fight for breath.

Pretending to be okay exhausts.
Living day to day.
Moment to moment.
Breath to breath.
My journey.

Doctor Visit 3 & 4, Only 2 More…This Week

Hump Day! I picture the camel in the Geico commercial dancing his way down my hall.

Hump Day held doctor visits 3 and 4 of this week…only two more to go.

Visit 4 was a routine check up. Gratefully. Visit 3 follow-up on my nerve conduction studies.

I found out that the pain is not all in my head. Bilateral, okay just use the normal words, moderate to severe carpal tunnel in both hands. Then I watched way too much Harry Potter, or at least that is how I remember how to say the next thing they found in my neck–Cervical Radiculitis. Sounds just like one of the spells. My Mother reminders the name by saying everything that happens to me is ridiculous. True statement. So I suppose a spell has been cast that truly ridiculous things happen to me. They said once I am finished with all the testing, I am going to be tired of tests. I am passes that point already. They are going to figure out what is compressing the nerve root and also figure out what is going on in my lumbar region.

Mother and I were blessed with the opportunity to spend a few moments with our dear friend in ICU. She is such a sweet dear lady. I ask for prayers for her, she surely needs them. She was so very restless when we went in her room. As we talked to her Mother suggested we sing to her. We sang hymns, she calmed and started to relax. When we would stop she would raise her arm over her head, anxiously. When we did, she let her arm rest beside her. I know she is in there. I know she is. You could see it in her eyes today. I cannot imagine what she is feeling and not being able to express what she feels. I can only imagine how she felt knowing that we understood that she wanted us to keep singing.

I am grateful to have been able to share those moments with my amazing Mother and my sweet friend.

Songs of the Heart Sunday: Each Life That Touches Ours

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“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” ― C.S. Lewis

The blessing and nature of friendship is on my mind today. Of course it would be after spending a couple of days with the hubs and his pal, but also last night I received a call that a dear friend of mine is in a diabetic coma. I could hardly rest worrying last night. I went to see her before Church and after Sacrament went to be with her a few more hours.

The lyrics to Each Life That Touches Ours For Good has been on repeat in my head.

Each life that touches ours for good
Reflects thine own great mercy, Lord.
Thou sendest blessings from above
Through words and deeds of those who love.

What greater gift dost thou bestow,
What greater goodness can we know
Than Christ-like friends, whose gentle ways
Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.

When such a friend from us departs
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory,
Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.
For worthy friends whose lives proclaim
Devotion to the Savior’s name,
Who bless our days with peace and love,
We praise thy goodness Lord above.

I have been blessed with the best family and friends. Right now I am reflecting on many of those relationships with gratitude for the lessons we have learned together.

Once I consider you a friend, you ARE a friend and occupy a hallowed place is my heart. There are many in my life that others might have evicted from that hallowed location, but I cannot. When I love, I love deeply and completely, almost to a fault. I forgive, and TRY to forget.

My husband often teases my reference to various people as “my friend”, but once you have made a positive personal impact on my life, you are my friend. Through blogging I have made many new friends, and as I continue to blog and read blogs, my circle of friendship and heart real estate will grow.

Oh I So Sleepy

Sitting in the Dr’s waiting for labs. It is only the beginning of a big busy day. Daisy girl started barking at 3:00 this morning, so let the zombie day begin.

Mother called a few minutes ago and I was sitting on the bed/floor trying to locate a hotel for my husband’s pal. Bless his heart, or his wife’s heart. She flew home to be with her parents for a bit because a nasty UTI. So he is enjoying their dream trip/life alone for now. Hopefully soon she will fly back out to meet him.

I am glad Mother called, made me get up. I think we have him a room now. Next my labs, then to Walmart to get things for tomorrow. Two men. Hmmm… No drinking, but I know snacks, but it is HOT!

Then home to make bread. Shhh…During my rising cycles, I might not rise, I might lay down. I have no energy and my back is usually broken after kneading. Whine, whine, whimper.

Sometime today I need to call about my nerve conduction study from Tuesday. They only did cervical not lumbar, did not make a whole lot of sense, oh well, no MD or PC after my name.

Tonight we are going to go to Old Times Country Buffet with his pal. My husband likes the food and the hostess.

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