Tag Archives: Marriage

Happiness Is…

Give yourself up to this moment. Dare to see it. Now look down at your feet; slip out of those invisible tethers. Then ask: Where would you take yourself right this moment if you walked toward your most heartfelt dream? What would your life look like? What would your body look and feel like? What level of energy would you have? What might be your favorite activity? What would your daily life include? Imagine happiness — the sweet glow of inner contentment, the way it tastes and smells and feels. ~Chris Downie

Happiness danced in my thoughts today. My oldest step-daughter married her sweetheart yesterday in a somewhat secret ceremony, I believe just a few of his family attended. They posted the video on Facebook to share the exciting news.

I sent her a text today to ask her if I could put it on my wall that “my daughter married her sweetheart. I specifically asked about dropping the step that has stared me in the face since I became part of the family nine years ago. I hate that word. When she said I could. I cannot express the joy that brings to my heart.

Though she is an adult and has a “step” of her own now, part of her is still that young girl I met when I married her Dad. I fell in love with her and her sister. I made it clear my intentions were to never ever take the place of their mom who is still living, but that does not diminish the depth of the love that I feel for them. Through the years I developed a mother’s love for them. I ached when they hurt. I worried when they were sick. Frustrated when I saw them making choices that I knew would lead them into pain. I felt hurt when they were away and we did not get to spend the time we could with them. Distance and circumstances sometimes coming between our developing relationships. Each time though, my mother heart, would ache to know how my daughters were and we would find our way back to each other.

So having my daughter allow me to call her what my heart has called her all along is happiness to me. Knowing that she has found the man who will walk the road beside her being her constant and her strength makes this mom very happy.

Family means the world to me. I do not know where I would be without my family. I am so very grateful for the gift that my daughter gave me today to let me call her mine, and yesterday for increasing our family by two.

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Oh What A Night!

It was a night.  One of those that you do not know if you want to laugh or cry so you do both out of exhaustion.

Saturday morning I had a headache and an upset stomach.  I did not eat until late last night, and it was a bowl of Cheerios, by this time my husband was feeling somewhat off also.  Then they began.  The trips to the restroom.  Every few minutes, just as I would get settled back in bed, another wave of cramps.

I could not sleep for the stomach cramps.  At about 2:00 I had finally dozed off, when I hear my husband screaming in the bathroom.  I jumped up, and yelled if he was okay.  His answer made my stomach turn all the more.  The toilet had over flowed with him.  I admit, I laughed to myself that it was him and not me, but I also felt bad for him.  It took him a while to clean it up and climb back in bed.

It was not long however that I was up again.  I held my breath as I flushed.  I had the plunger in hand just in case.  The water came up, up, up, and I plunged, plunged, plunged, until it went down, down, down.  Whew, that was close.  I settled back in bed and dozed off for a few minutes.

Then Daisy needed to go outside.  Urgh.

Shortly after I climbed back in bed, she also let me know that it was time for her breakfast.  She wants breakfast at 6:00.  It was 5:45.  I really wanted to sleep, so I let all four dogs out again and fed Daisy and Gage breakfast.

That held her over for two hours. I pretty much gave up on sleep at that point.

Good Day, Even With Migraine

I am very thankful for good days. I talked to one of my cousins that I was roommates with many years ago. We enjoyed many good times together, and learned so much about ourselves during that time. It was nice to talk to her. Though she is my first cousin, she lives across country and we hardly take the time to talk like we once did. I miss her dearly, but when we talk, it is as if we are still roommates.

Though my head was splitting with a migraine today, I kept the same hope inside from my doctor’s appointment that I will be whole one day. I know that I will not feel this way every day, so days that I can remember this, I cannot express fully how grateful I am.

Tonight I am typing on my hand me down MacBook. I love it. It is so much easier to type up a quick post than on my Ipad. I love my Ipad too, do not get me wrong, love all my Apple products.

The weather was somewhat warmer today. I think it was in the mid-forties. Even at that, it was nice to snuggle up with the Mister tonight and have a silent mind. I was so nervous that she would start yelling and ruin a tender moment that we needed. How I missed my husband’s arms and gentle strength. A side only I know.

This evening we talked about how we seize these moments because we never know when I will be afraid and hold him at arm’s length or farther. I am so grateful for his patience and understanding.

I had no idea it was this late. I suppose I should go to sleep.

Nite all. Sweet dreams.

I Feel Like I Could Sleep For Days

Therapy work is exhausting. Healing, but it truly wipes me out. I dig down deep and cry from the depths of my soul. I have been blessed with an amazing therapist who encourages me and helps me through the abyss. She points out the brightness and makes sure before our session is over that I am in a healthier place.

This evening a missionary couple that once served in my hometown is coming to visit my home church. It is a quick surprise visit. When the hubs gets home, we will go up there say hello, run by CVS to pick up our new scripts, then hopefully come home and crash.

I really want to fall asleep early in his arms tonight.

Tell All Tuesday: My Insides Are Shaking

I am in the waiting room of my new doctor. I must admit my insides are doing the jitter-bug. I have so much on my mind. I am having a difficult time keeping the anxiety at bay. Mother has a lot on her mind too, I told her to go ahead and shop while I waited and meet with this new doctor. I might be a couple of hours yet, no need to hold her prisoner here. So I blog and people watch. One family argues across me, something about “Deddy and Christmas.”

They were just called back, thankfully. I am ready for my appointment with my therapist this afternoon, I hope she can help me bring clarity to some of the issues that are plaguing my mind. Haunting me in my waking and my sleeping hours. Longing for peaceful assurance and help in making a correct decision, fear and trepidation of making the incorrect one is almost too much to bear. I know she will help me muddle through my emotions and help me to see the situation for what I need to see it as.

Before heading to my appointments today we stopped to see our sweet friend that is in ICU. She did not respond to us. I want her to sit up and talk in her beautiful Hispanic accent, invite me over for her delicious rice and beans. “Oh my beautiful sister.” She calls me, and with a hug, I call her the same. You never know when a prompting to call or stop by and visit might be the last time to see a person or hear their voice for a while. I am grateful that I acted on it a few weeks back and spent time with her. My prayers are that she will make a full recovery, right now it is in the Lord’s hands.

One doctor visit and emotional breakdown later…

I just asked my Mother, why can’t my life be normal? Why is my normal utter chaos? I really do believe there must be a hotline or something that announces that I am on the way, time to see what oil we can throw on the road and what tricks I need to learn.

My life is that of Willy Coyote and Road Runner. I am still going, but gosh.

This new psychiatrist that I was referred to was really nice, but they put me in with the PA on the 1st visit. Super nice man, gentle speaking grandfather type, immediately asks why I am there since I have insurance. Very confused, I explain that they are on my preferred providers and also that I have went to 2 other in network providers that did not work out, and they came highly recommended my therapist. As he looked over my list of medications, he kindly advised that I would best be cared for by my Internist, and not have so many doctors. That is when the tears could no longer be held at bay. This all began months ago when my Internist suggested that I see a Psychiatrist. Now, I felt hopeless, as if I was being turned away left to my own devices. Once I started crying I could not stop.

He quietly excused himself, that is when I noticed his PA degree on the wall. My being left to my own devices turned to frustration too. When he came back in the room he explained where he had been. He spoke to the head Psychiatrist, who has dealt with “complex cases” such as mine. He would be referring me to him. He wanted me to know he truly had compassion for my situation and was not leaving me out in the dark, but due to the other medications I am on he did not feel confidant treating me, and would have done me a “great disservice pretending he could treatment.”

I respected and admired his honestly. Grateful that he referred me to the Doctor and did not turn me away. Next week I start seeing him.

Therapy was extremely difficult today. I cried from deep, releasing some pain that I have been afraid to release. I have such a long way to go. I do not think I can even call them baby steps.
I am realizing that somewhere deep inside, I hold the pain because in holding the pain I continue to hold on to what it represents. MJ, my childhood, my Granddaddy, the Child I never had…once it heals they will be gone.

I do not initially hold the pain and anguish, but I do it. As we sat together reading and looking at MJs story, sobbing, she reminded me of the person that she was catching a glimpse of through the words and the person that he is would want me smiling and laughing. She referred to quotes that MJ’s Mom used in his book. She’s right, that is who he is, that is who we were and are.

Something about knowing MJ helped me become my best self, awoke that part of me, but something my therapist reminded me today, through my own words. It was a part of me. Only I can reclaim that part of me.

Beside me today stands another. My companion and my love. He is patiently waiting as I work through all my issues. I suppose some of it is duty and payback, as I have stood and stand beside him through trial, but it is more. It is love. We have covenanted in love with each other and God, to stand beside each other. It is not always easy. I am not always easy. Mental health, physical health, and life in general, thank goodness there is love, and chocolate.

Silly Saturday: Don’t Send A Man To The Grocery Store

The first time I heard this I laughed until I could not breathe. I listened to it many other times.

My husband has often grocery shopped and came home purposefully with extra item or more of what I had on my list, but this was a calculated effort on his part. I am grateful for his willingness to shop when I am having a bad day.

Now this video used to be funny, until one day after my hysterectomy I sent him to Harris Teeter with my list. I admit my list made complete sense to me in its Excel format. I had the item, the cost, the quantity, coupon to use, and the extended price. With Harris Teeter you do are only allowed to Double or Super Double or Triple 20 coupons a day. So I had a “team” assembled, a first string and a second string. If you could not get an item on the first string pick work your way down the second string. Simple right? I guess my Aspergers Husband saw here’s my list buy the items on the list and when I explain he heard, “blablablabla buy on that list blablablabla give coupons in the order blablablabla.”

He came back with so many groceries, it was hilarious.

Now my side hurts with laughter, I cannot breath, and can somewhat relate with this story. It is no more just funny it is down right HILARIOUS!

Creative Date Night and Photographic View of Depression

Date night, on a budget, what did we do? Well, when we were dating, the whole two weeks we “dated” each other in the same city, we came up with creative ways to do things cheap. Finances are worse now because of my medical issues, so being creative is a necessity.

We recreated one of the dates from the past, well sort of, Happy Hour at Sonic. Two Route 44 drinks and off to the same local park to enjoy nature. He enjoyed it from the comfort of the car, the A/C, and away from the gnats. My camera and I decided we would stroll around the pond and take pictures of the ducks and any other nature I might encounter. The heat, a back and head that is killing me, gnats, the wrong shoes, and getting out of breath walking…I think he had the right idea. I did get some good pictures.

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The ducks were so sweet. They swam along beside me for a bit until they realized I did not have any food. They then went and hung out under the food despenser.

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When I looked at this image on my screen at home I thought that it is a photographic representation of depression. When depressed only focus on the dead and negativity in your life, it seems to almost over power anything good, but if you stick with it look long enough, the negativity fades and you begin to see the white flowers around. Right now, I see many of the dead and negative parts of me, and an occassional white flower. I know as I continue to work through everything, I will start to see more of life’s beauty.

After leaving the park we drove across town to see an exciting sight. A local company has a “century plant” that is blooming. I am not sure how old this one is, I remember the plant being there when I was young and would go to the library that was across the street.

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Look how tall it is. The power line is shadowed by it. The apparently it does not have much time left, the bottom plant is already wilted. After the plant blooms it dies. How sad.

We also went to try to find the husband some work boots, but no luck, maybe next week. We then had to buy dog food for our babies. Tractor Supply is such a great store. I love the old toys they carry, not to mention the dog food for our babies.

Now back at home, sounds like a good southern thunder boomer is coming. Great way to end a relaxed date night.

Wishful Wednesday: Honeymoon Again Please?

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Eight years and one month ago my husband and I were spending our first days of marriage in a cabin in Helen, Georgia. Chimney 5 was the name of our cabin. It was so romantic. Since we do not drink, the owners had sparkling cider waiting for us when we arrived. It would have been chilled, but we got lost, very lost, and made several detours!

My bucket list includes returning to our cabin, hopefully sooner rather than later. We had so many fun times there and so much laughter. Hours and hours just getting to know each other as husband and wife. Very happy memories. Makes me think of the quote by Thomas S Monson, “God gives us memories to be June roses in the Decembers of our lives.”

This was the first place I cooked for him as his wife, Chicken Echilladas. We bought our first set of Lock N Lock in Helen, we had never seen it before. We love the stuff now!

We could have lived in the jacuzzi. It is in a screened in porch and overlooks the valley. It is so beautiful, relaxing, and romantic. We have both said we want one, eight years later we are still wanting.

I look forward to the day that we can go back to our cabin and Helen. There are several reasons. First and greatest, it will mean I have healed enough to be intimate with my husband. Second, we will be better off financially. Third, I have wanted to go back since the day we left. Forth, I want to actually spend some time in the village of Helen, and in nature too. We spent almost all of our time in the cabin when we went for our honeymoon. I am sure if I sat here I could come up with many many more reason that this is a perfect bucket list item for me!

***Trigger Warning*** When Did I Lose Myself

Imagining myself writing a post even remotely similar to the one about to come from my fingers seems to be like imagining living someone else’s life or at the very least talking about their life. I have debated within myself the last two days whether or not I should blog about this experience, simply because the intimate nature of it. Today in therapy we talked about my blog, about how sad I get when my numbers are down, but then I reminded myself of that the reason I began a blog was to help myself and to help others on their journey to healing from remembering repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse.

As I thought I recalled the story of a little boy walking along the sea-shore after a storm. Hundreds and hundreds of starfish had been washed ashore during the destructive storm. The little boy was going along throwing starfish back into the water when someone came along and made a comment trying to discourage him from throwing them back. The comment was something to the order of “You cannot save all of the them, I do not know why you are even trying.” The child picked up another starfish, showed his antagonist and said, “You are right, but I can save this one.”

The experience I am about to share might be read by one person who like me feels alone and completely messed up. It might help that one person realize that they are not alone in the way they are reacting.

That is one of my biggest challenges. This is all new territory and though my abuse happened 34 years ago, remembering and living it now, dealing with it now creates completely uncharted hazardous waters in my life. New emotions and suppressed emotions experienced daily.

***Trigger Warning***

Since we married 8 years ago, and until recently, my husband and I have been very intimate. I had some issues after my hysterectomy, but I when were together I enjoyed it. Passion has not been a real issue we faced. There were times as in all marriages that you are not in the mood, but passion and making love remained relatively consistent. I guess you would say we had a healthy sex-life.

I remembered my abuse on May 2 of this year. In remembering my rape, I lost my sexual self, instead became an afraid 5-year-old child anytime my husband touched me in a remotely intimate way. If he kissed me and I felt his tongue, I would cry, feeling betrayed. He patiently understood or atleast tried to.

We have tried different methods of touch to get me comfortable with us again. I tell myself, as my therapist recommended, “This is my husband and my lover. It is okay to be with him.”

I have reach over and tried to touch “him” and was paralyzed in fear and sobbed in his arms. My inner child screaming at me while I tried to touch him that I was not being fair to her. Her voice very cruel and distracting.

Most nights he holds me in his arms, protecting me as I go to sleep. He gently rubs my back comforting me until I sleep.

A few nights ago I dreamt about being with him as husband and wife. I was so happy when I woke up, sad that he had to go to work. When he came home I explained to him how things could be done. It would not be passionate, no touching and fondling except what I allowed and directed. Very contained very ruled, very PG for sex between husband and wife, especially in our life.

When his rhythm started I was so scared. I kept my eyes tightly closed. I wanted him to finish. He noticed my tears and stopped. I wanted him to be happy, but at the same time I wanted to run. I wanted to get away. “She” felt like I was letting him rape “her”. I could not look at him when it was over. I stayed in the bathroom for a while. I felt dirty like I had done something wrong. I was sick to my stomach and sobbing. When I finally composed myself I came back to bed and we talked. Some of these things I only verbalize to him as I read this before I post it, the shame that I felt like I could not tell him. Not because anything he did, because what I felt.

I was shaking inside and I know he heard it in my voice. He wished that I would have told him when it started to scare me. It is such a difficult thing when you love your spouse and want them to be fulfilled, but and the same time you are terrified.

He had not pressured me into anything, as a matter of fact he had asked if I was ready. I said I was ready to “try”.

I am so ready for my life back!! I am ready to find me.I talked to my therapist about it today and she said it is a journey and I do not need to try to rush it. I suppose in a healing journey you need baby steps not giant strides. I am making progress inch by inch.

30 Day Blog Challenge Day 2 – Current Relationship

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Today’s task is to write about my current relationship.

I have mentioned before that we met online. We met on a website called LDSMingle. I went on the site as a dare from a friend that had met someone on it. I told her that her situation of meeting a nice guy online was rare, and I would get online for 3 months just to prove to her that hers was the exception to the rule. This was the first week January 2005.

I had done the singles scene, even attended singles only congregations. I just did not find the right person. When I attended the singles functions I always put “Mahana” as my name on my name tag. ..referring to the Legend of Jonnny Lingo, where Mahana was the most homely girl in the Hawaiian village, but Johnny Lingo loved her and he bartered her father 8 cows for her hand in marriage, more than any other woman’s dowry. As a result, her self esteem blossomed and she became the most beautiful woman on the island. (I love the movie, it is 23 minutes long, I have attached it.)

So, here I am on LDSMingle, and I see a post that says, “Mahana, Are You Out There”? he did not go by Johnny, but rather Cleatus, but I decided to send him an email. He teases me to this day about the picture that I had as my profile, perfect for Mahana, pre-Johnny days. Either way, we started chatting online and sending emails, constantly. This was only January 13th, far from my 3 month trial.

Eventually he called, and we talked, and talked, and talked. We talked more than we ever would have if we had lived in the same area. He lived across the country. In Febraury we decided that he would come out here for Easter. He landed in Jacksonville Friday evening, we had our first date and our first kiss.

Saturday, he sat my parents down at the table with a duffle bag full of stuffed animals. This would be my dowry. There were cows, horses, lambs, pigs, and I can’t remember what else. Mahana did not have anything on me. He then knelt down and asked me to marry him. I said yes. I often tease him that it was the painkillers talking because I had surgery two days before he arrived.

We were married in June of that year. Keeping with the Johnny Lingo theme, our reception was a luau. It was so much fun.

We have been married eight years. They have not all been easy, some have been down right hard, but we made covenants with each other and with Heavenly Father to see it through. I love him, and I know he loves me.

He supports our family as the sole bread winner. I know that is hard on him, but I am so grateful for his devotion and willingness to work, even through the stresses and frustration.

He has a hearty infectious laugh, one of the things I wrote about in my journal when we first met. He loves to serve others. My Daddy adores him, and he can fix anything. He is absolutely brillant.

We have two daughters from his first marriage some days they are the greatest blessings, sometimes the greatest trials, but I guess that it what being a parent is about. I wish I could see them more, and really have a true relationship with them. It is hard across the country, sometimes distance other times raw emotion often gets in the way. I love them and look forward to seeing them both realize their dreams.

Some of our greatest joys are our four legged babies that we share our home with. They love us unconditionally. They ground us. Each has a unique personaility.

One of our songs as always been The Broken Road..

This is the Johnny Lingo Video. Hope You Enjoy!