During therapy yesterday Dr. R mentioned the movie The Three Faces of Eve. Since The MeanOne has come out fighting this week, I feel like I need to understand what is going on with me.
Watching the movie helped me understand somethings that I have been trying to understand, the way they communicate, among themselves, and with me. Having these awful headaches more frequently also, a similarity.
I hate being like this. I have always been the person to take care of everything. I handled our bills, dealing with any and all business for us. Now if the slightest ripple in the plans or transactions happen, that rock my boat, that cause me any negative emotion The Mean One thinks of it as an open invitation to take over.
In therapy we discussed acknowledging her and her anger. Last night when she came out at something so minor and stupid, I did just that. I tried to acknowledge her anger. I begged her to tell me why she was so angry. That seemed to make her more angry. Little Shanna then pushed her way forward, and was so scared. She asked for Mother. I am proud of her for doing that. Tracy called Mother for her and Mother was able to calm her enough for me to push back forward.
Right now I am listening to 80s music on the TV contemplating complicated relationships.
I am so grateful for the family that I was blessed to be born into. They are so delightfully normal. Yes, we have our mental health issues, our quarrels, our whatevers, but we are always there for each other no matter what. Whether we agree or disagree with choices, we are the biggest supporters and cheerleaders. I can pick up the phone at anytime and call anyone one of them, and know that I will get someone who loves me, that will laugh with me or cry with me, or both. If I need to run away from life their doors are always open. Home is with my family.
I thought this is what being a part of a family is. I have learned through my years of growing up that my family is the exception, not the rule. How blessed I am, to have my family.
Days of love, honor, respect, and gratitude towards parents long gone. Then there are parents who abuse and neglect their children, or at the very least let the system raise them. Generation upon generation speaking and doing all manner of vulgarities around their forming minds, then wondering why those children act out. To be apart of such a family is like taking me and putting me on another planet, I feel like a stranger in a foreign land. I do not know how to react or interact.
There is so much more that I want to type about the matter. So much more, but reason and not reacting in haste stops me. So I speak vaguely. I am just really aggravated and really grateful at the same time.
I am thankful for my husband, parents, siblings, and extended family by birth!!!