Tag Archives: Photography

Nature’s First Green Is Gold

“When I stepped out into the bright sunlight…”

The first and the last words of The Outsiders, a movie that quickly became one of my favorite a pre-teen. I do know not know what drew me into the story. It could have been the adorable and quite handsome young Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, Ralph Macchio, Rob Lowe, Matt Dillon, Emilio Estevez, and Tom Cruise. It was more than bubbling hormones though. I not only loved the movie, I loved the book.

In the eighth grade when required to do a report on the book of our choice, I chose The Outsiders. Honestly, I think I related to them somehow. Ponyboy and Johnny the tightest of friendships, even to laying to Johnny laying down his life. Each of the boys in the story carried trait I could relate to.

Not understood. Angry. Funny. Desire to be loved. Together with friends, but still outsiders.

When I presented my oral report, I began by quoting Alfred R. Ferguson’s poem that Johnny loved so well.

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leafs a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

It is ironic to me now that I quoted the poem. Not really understanding what the words meant, though Johnny explained them to Pony in a letter.

The irony lies in the loss of my innocent childhood. It was gold to me. Beautiful, fun, exciting, perfect, innocent, but one event remembered has marred the golden beauty of my innocence. I do not know if my words capture the feeling and the meaning I am trying to convey and the relationship I feel to the poem. I just thought it interesting how it unknowingly personified my life.

I need to apologize for my lack of posts the last couple of days. I will sit down and start a post and something will distract me, and it is almost like “SQUIRREL” and I am mentally and/or physically gone! I am so easily distracted and completely lose the train and the track the train of thought was on. I hope to do better, but I cannot make promises. I know my brain, and it does not like to cooperate these days.

With that said, I am extremely sleepy. I think I might take a nap. I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday. Thank you for reading my blog!

~Hope

P.S. This is a picture of a male red cardinal on a red bud tree outside my parents home yesterday. Isn’t he gorgeous?
Cardinal

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Can You See It?

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One weekend the hubs and I watched Harry Potter all weekend long. Enos stays glued to our sides, so he was subjected to the marathon also. You can imagine how hard I laughed when the next morning he woke up with the above cow lick on his rump.

Do you see it?

Poor fella must have fought Voldemort in his dreams. I have not notified JK Rowling. Voldemort lives.

Funny thing about Enos, he makes Dobby faces and now a lightning “scar” on his rump. He’s just the Harry Potter dog.

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I really must say I do not have much to report today. I would say it is a slow news day, but with the school shootings, I will not say that. My prayers are with the students and families. A county not far from here was on lockdown for a while with reports of a gun and then a bomb. I have a feeling that it is going to come back and bite authorities. Gratefully nothing was found, but the fact that they put the school on lockdown when there was a bomb threat, because they felt like it was a hoax. They should have used it for a training at the very least. What if they were wrong and their would have been one? That would have been a horrible call. I am just grateful it turned out how it did.

I need to go heat up dinner. I might be back on a little bit later. The hubs came home early. We are having “date night”. Free Redbox rental of “Man of Steel”. YAY!

Thanks for reading! ~Hope

Picture Pages, Picture Pages

Before the madness took over, I was into couponing. I taught a couple of classes even. I was not extreme like the TLC show, but through diligence and planning I saved quite a chunk of change. I still subscribe to a few of the mailing list and bloggers that taught me the art of stretching my penny.

So this morning when I looked through my Facebook, I saw a post that excited me. FREE 20 page photo book and FREE shipping. Two different codes, but stackable. I was super excited. I sorted and plowed through my digital photography. Uploaded each specially chosen one to the Walgreens website. Designed my book. Writing memories and capturing the story behind the pictures. Before long I had spent several hours designing my book. My neck and back aching from sitting at the computer, but I loved what would be my finished product.

Eagerly I proceeded to checkout. Entering my first coupon it took the cost of the book itself down to $0, then I entered the second code for the free shipping. Big red letters alerted me that I was not allowed to use it because it expired two days ago. My total came to $2.99. I am such a tight wad that I could not do it. My husband told me that I should, but I ended up getting busy doing other things. Now it is after midnight and that offer has expired. Oh well.

I guess the lesson for me is finding joy in the journey. It is not always about the finished product or the destination.

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On the Road Again

Ah yes, another doctor appointment, another roadtrip. So tell me is it just a Southern thing to do this?

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I love my dogs, and would be terrified to pieces to have them in the back of a pick up like this, but gosh this pup looked like he was having a ball. I love Labradors!

We will see how much of a post I can actually write tonight. I have already taken part of my night meds. The part that makes me really sleepy. Zzzzzzzz

My meds were changed again today to Effexor XR. Supposedly the first line of the defense for PTSD, and also works for depression. I remember being on Effexor years ago, but do not know if it was the XR. He said the the XR does not flush through your system before your next dose so you have a constant level. This is very good. I am crossing my fingers.

I had all these thoughts going through my head to blog about now I just want my CPAP mask and my blanket up to my nose and surrender to the sleep.

Looking for Courage and Motivation

As I have mentioned before, I have this battle within myself. Little Hope is trying to keep me to herself, and I, in fear of upsetting her, spend most of my time alone. This weekend my siblings and extended family came in. Though anxious initially at the thought of being around everyone and a few times during the party, I was able to enjoy some time with family. I cannot express how grateful I am for that.

I am trying to find the courage within to do those things that will help me and motivate me to be stronger.

Blogging again is one of those baby steps. I enjoy writing. Words delight me. They are my friends. They can be my weapon, my sauve, my mask, the real me. Words can be what I need them to be. I love words.

The other is my photography. I took up the hobby of photography not too long ago as part of my healing journey. I receive joy in the moments in time that can be captured in a photo. The last several weeks out of fear of upsetting Little Hope, I placed my camera aside. I decided that I would pick my camera back up and find treasures that are placed for me to discover that will give me moments joy.

It may sound simple. Writing and photography, two creative fun things. I do not want to negate the beauty and peace that I will get in the long run, but right now I still have the anxiety because of that battle. I pray that the tenacity that I have always had will kick in and I will stick to these two goals.

Saturday I took this picture of Tender Mercy. She is a sweet angel doe that comes on days that we are having a difficult time. Saturday was the day of the party, I was very anxious. My nephew came in and said, “There is a deer out here.” I knew exactly why she had been sent.

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Guard Frog

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This guy is growing, emphasis on growing, into an awesome guard frog. He is HUGE, looks like a mutant when next to his froggy pals. That is a watering bucket outside my door that he was proudly perched on when we came home last night.

Wordless Wednesday: A Day At The Beach

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Island of Misfit Toys. A child had left these out on the sandbar, alone they sat, waiting for little hands to play with them.

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You Lookin’ At Me?

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Sunset as we were leaving the island, driving over the causeway.

Wordless Wednesday: Kermit’s Wisdom

I am pretty sure I heard a faint singing when I arrived home the other night Some day we’ll find it that rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me. Lalalalala

We looked down and found sitting by our front door our friend Kermit.

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Songs of the Heart Sunday: One Clear Voice

“And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice” (1 Kings 19:11-12.)

I am so grateful that I have been taught to listen for that voice, recognize, and that this weekend I have been given the strength and courage to act on those promptings.

Yesterday my husband and I had a wonderful day together, most of it enjoying the beauties of the surrounding islands. It was absolutely wonderful and relaxing. Nature is providing becoming a refuge for me. I loved sitting on the bench listening to the waves, the birds, the families, while feeling the wind on my face, and trying to capture on my camera the peace I felt.

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When the evening storms started to roll in I made my way back to the car a few feet away. Even driving through the storm was peaceful, almost symbolic, thunderheads around, rain coming down, yet bright sun rays shown through. I just knew that I would see “my rainbow”. I even changed my camera lens preparing for the gift that I knew He would send me, as if it was already in the works, claiming it as mine.

He sent me a rainbow, but not in the form of a colorful bow in the sky, but an email from MJ’s Mom. I claimed it as my rainbow.

When we came home, my husband decided that we would go ahead and pack up the two modems that we need to send back to Comcast. We found one, no problem. Packed it up ready to go. The other completely eluded us. We looked everywhere, for hours. My relaxing peaceful day gone. I was now anxious and frustrated, and experiencing the negative feelings about myself that automatically come as a result of my PTSD. I prayed several times as I looked. Finally after my ideas of where it could be were completely exhausted, and I was so triggered into negative thoughts about myself and my traumas I decided I needed to step back and work on my pictures to get into the now, and a peaceful point.

The more I tried the more I wondered where the modem was. Again, I prayed. This time pouring my heart out in gratitude for a great day, and pleading for the return of that peace. I told my Father in Heaven that I had no idea, where the modem is, but I knew that He did. I begged that He led me to where is was. I turned back to work on the pictures again hoping to feel a prompting to where the ellusive modem was hiding.

On our desk sits notebook that I scribble and doodle on. While waiting for the next batch of pictures to download, I scribbled.

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“Where’s the modem” (The black out is where I had scribbled my full name.) “I’m so frustrated. Urgh!!”

No sooner had I written those words did I hear that familiar voice. The voice that has guided me so many times before. “I am going to see if you trust me. Go relax in your chair in the livingroom.” when the Spirit speaks directly to you, you need to act. Relaxing. Not so easy, but I had asked, and I wanted to trust.

I went to my chair, but I continued to look. I looked on both end tables, and under them. I heard my name, then the word, “Relax.”

Inhaling deeply and exhaling slowing, I rested my head on the back of my chair. As I did my eyes rested straight across the room on our metal cd rack full of cds, my husband’s cane hanging from it obscuring the view of anything behind it, unless you were sitting in my chair. You could see maybe a half an inch or an inch at the very least. In that gap I saw the hidden, most literally, modem. I had such an overwhelming feeling of “Be Still and Know the I Am God.”

Heavenly Father knows cares about even the smallest of our problems. In the scheme on the world’s struggles, a lost modem ranks pretty low, but as His daughter nothing or no one ranks higher. He loves each of us so much. He blesses us for acting on those promptings we receive.

He knows each of us personally and by name. He stands beside us during our life’s teaching moments as they provide a springboard for other moments.

For me He knew that I needed that experience last night in trusting Him. Acting on voice of the Spirit, to feeling closer to the Spirit than I have in a while, to feel strong enough to recognize then act on the prompting today that will be pivitol in my journey of healing.

My alarm was set for 7:30. It did not go off. Awakened at 8:30, it would have been easy to to say there is no way, since Church starts at 9:00. However, I quickly did my hair and makeup, dressed, and jumped in the car. It was I few minutes before 9:00. My husband had decided to stay home.

As I turned on the highway to head towards Church, I saw him. My childhood friend, the one who many years ago raped me. My initial feeling was the fight or flight, then something else happened. It was a peace that prompted me it was okay, and it was time to pull over and talk to him. Reason told me it was crazy, Little Hope did not like the idea, but peace and the Spirit spoke calming assurance that it was going to be okay. I pulled several feet in front of him lest the closer he came, I change my mind. He walked by my window, I called his name. Reminded him who I was. He said he knew who I was, he made comments about where my Church was when I was little, so he did know exactly who I was. Other memories of our youth, he did not remember, or atleast his mouth could not relay what his mind was thinking. He many years of hard living on drugs as left him very schitzopranic like. As parted ways, he told me to be careful out there. That brought tears to my eyes. I still need to process alot from the meeting, but I feel like it is a possitive step in my healing journey.

Again I am so very grateful that I was able to talk to my friend, parent little Hope as she was afraid and let her know that I can take over and live, and we are going the be okay. Only through the comforting voice of the Spirit was I able to do these things. I am eternally grateful.