Tag Archives: Poetry

Nature’s First Green Is Gold

“When I stepped out into the bright sunlight…”

The first and the last words of The Outsiders, a movie that quickly became one of my favorite a pre-teen. I do know not know what drew me into the story. It could have been the adorable and quite handsome young Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, Ralph Macchio, Rob Lowe, Matt Dillon, Emilio Estevez, and Tom Cruise. It was more than bubbling hormones though. I not only loved the movie, I loved the book.

In the eighth grade when required to do a report on the book of our choice, I chose The Outsiders. Honestly, I think I related to them somehow. Ponyboy and Johnny the tightest of friendships, even to laying to Johnny laying down his life. Each of the boys in the story carried trait I could relate to.

Not understood. Angry. Funny. Desire to be loved. Together with friends, but still outsiders.

When I presented my oral report, I began by quoting Alfred R. Ferguson’s poem that Johnny loved so well.

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leafs a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

It is ironic to me now that I quoted the poem. Not really understanding what the words meant, though Johnny explained them to Pony in a letter.

The irony lies in the loss of my innocent childhood. It was gold to me. Beautiful, fun, exciting, perfect, innocent, but one event remembered has marred the golden beauty of my innocence. I do not know if my words capture the feeling and the meaning I am trying to convey and the relationship I feel to the poem. I just thought it interesting how it unknowingly personified my life.

I need to apologize for my lack of posts the last couple of days. I will sit down and start a post and something will distract me, and it is almost like “SQUIRREL” and I am mentally and/or physically gone! I am so easily distracted and completely lose the train and the track the train of thought was on. I hope to do better, but I cannot make promises. I know my brain, and it does not like to cooperate these days.

With that said, I am extremely sleepy. I think I might take a nap. I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday. Thank you for reading my blog!

~Hope

P.S. This is a picture of a male red cardinal on a red bud tree outside my parents home yesterday. Isn’t he gorgeous?
Cardinal

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Smile

Smile

A Smile
Can Say…
Hi
Goodbye
I Love You
Nice To Meet You
Have A Great Day
Thank You
I Know You
I Want To Know You
I Am Glad We Met
You Are Important
I See You
I Understand
I’m Sorry
Forgive Me?

Other smiles hide secrets.
I am alone.
I need a friend.
Help me.
I am scared.
I am confused.
I am lost.
I am weary.

What does your smile say?
Are other’s hearing?
Are you listening to others?

My Journey

Photo Credits: cdn.picturecorrect.com

My Journey

Screaming without a voice.
Trying to connect with a life
I do not recognize.
Words on a page or a screen
My identity.

Floods of daily tears,
Occassional flashes of me.
Nature’s storms outside raging,
Empathic reflections of
My inner tempest.

I no longer search for the old me.
I must rebuild.
Recreate.
Rediscover.
Fight for breath.

Pretending to be okay exhausts.
Living day to day.
Moment to moment.
Breath to breath.
My journey.

Wide Awake Megaphone of Negativity in My Mind

Insomnia

 

The thoughts are so loud.
Each nerve in my body
a pinnacle of aniexty,
ready to catch the next thought,
and amplify it,
and make me hurt all over.
Piercing, agonizing pain.

Nowhere to escape.
Nowhere to run.
You cannot run from your thoughts.
Others have tried to drown them
Or cut them
Or smoke them
Or…
Or…
Or…
All ways to try to feel something else,
or not feel at all.

I did not do any of those, ever.
Self respect, faith, pride, fear,
Whatever the reason I didn’t.
Sometimes, I envy those
With those outlets.
An emotional checkout would be
Amazing.
But at what cost.

I laid here tonight wondering,
How much Xanax would it take to
Give me a vacation, but not kill me?
Irrational I know, so I took one.
Hopefully soon the nerves will relax,
and I can sleep.
As fitful as it is, I need sleep.

My husband says each night
I fight unseen demons in my sleep.
Very fitful, very restless.
No wonder I stay exhausted.
A warrior cannot fight all night and all day,
and still function 100%.
I need something.

Whether I wave the flag of surrender,
or collapse in defeat.
I do not see the fight in me anymore.
Hopefully the Xanax kicks in soon,
And I can sleep.

I pray that when the sun rises on the new day,
I will have renewed strength and fortitude to meet the day.
Until then, I still breathe
and that means I am winning.

Trying to Remember My Talents

When I was a teenager sitting in Young Women (the Church program for the girls 12-18), we had a lesson on talents. To set the stage of this class, you need to realize our class was very small. Three young women to be exact, myself and my two best friends. Bec was already an amazing artist, and Mandy, she was extremely musically talented.

So when the question was posed, with what talents have you been blessed? The answers quickly evident for Bec and Mandy, when and came to me crickets. So the teacher, who happened to be Bec’s Mom, asked for their help, they thought and thought, and the talent they came up with was that I loved people. Not really the talent a sixteen year old wants to hear as her talent. Especially when her best friends have talent oozing from the them. Not only could I not see a real talent, but those who knew me inside and out could not either. I was crushed.

I went home devastated. I knelt beside my bed and poured out my heart to Heavenly Father begging Him to let me have another talent. I wanted one that others would see and recognize, one other than just a great capacity to “love people.” I promised Him that if He showed me my talent and helped me develop it, I would use it for good.

The next day in English literature we started studying poetry. Poetry. Yeah right. I hated reading. I would not even read the cliff notes for the books for school I hated reading so much!

BUT that day…Never before had the words looked so beautiful to me. I loved the way they sounded and flowed. I loved the way that the thoughts seem to form at my finger tips so rapidly, almost guided by some unseen being. It was so amazing.

That night I penned my first real poem.

Everytime I see this Greg Olsen picture I think of that poem, so it is a fitting introduction.
20130530-161538.jpg
Big Brother

Big Brother used to tease me,
Called me His little squirt.
He sheltered me from trouble,
Never wanted me to hurt.

The time soon came His leaving,
The tears I shed, not few;
But He promised He’d prepare for me,
The place I must go too.

The days without Him seemed endless
And I wondered where He was sent.
I asked Father, this my question,
“Where is this place Big Brother Jesus went?”

Father smiled and then He hugged me.
The answer He thought I should know.
“Dear Child, Your Brother is preparing the world-
The place you soon will go.”

“What is this world you speak of?
Is it far or is it near?
Oh now I miss, Big Brother Jesus.
How I wish that He were here.”

“My dear child” Father answered.
“He has gone, not far, to earth.
Your Brother Jesus is doing well.
He though he had a humble birth.

We are with Him during each moment.
He knows we truly care.
All He must do to be with us,
Is to kneel, and ask in prayer.”

“But how long will He be gone?”
I asked Father still confused.
I was but a little spirit then,
My Big Brother I was afraid to lose.

“A time I cannot tell you Child,
For this you cannot know.
No fear should you have of losing your Brother,
He is doing My work below.”

Father’s words so gentle,
That I felt like I could ask,
“Dear Father, when then can I go,
To earth to complete my task?”

“Your time will come all too quickly.
My Child you must prepare.
Earth life is not easy.
Search for me when you get there.

In me you will find all answers,
To problems that will come.
Dear Child, fear not your life,
For in my Kingdom, no one’s alone.”

“But where do I look to find you.”
I questioned Father with care.
“Close by you” He whispered,
“As as a child’s prayer.”

With most of my questions answered,
Along my way I went,
To begin to make myself ready,
For earth life to be sent.

My day finally came,
But before He let me go,
A secret to tell me,
Something each Child of His must know.

“Your time has come to leave me.
Dear Child your valiance great.
I have saved you for this important time.
No longer do you need to wait.”

He paused just for a moment,
Then quietly He sighed.
“This part of the Plan is scary for most.
A veil I place before your eyes.

This way you will not remember
Anything before your birth.
You must search for me my Child,
To learn of your great worth.

I place within you a special gift
This gift I call your heart.
It will help you know and feel what’s right,
And help you do your part.

Never go against it
Because what you feel, you’ll see
Will never lead you to do wrong,
When the feelings come from me.”

He kissed me on my forehead,
On my way I had to go.
It was my turn to prove myself worthy,
And live my life below.

When I reached the earth I saw,
That everything was new.
I could not remember Father,
Nor my Big Brother who I loved too.

The family to whom He sent me,
So loving and so kind,
Helped me to gain a testimony,
That my nature is divine.

The talks with Father I remember not,
Nor the days from whence I came,
But my family here on earth,
Prepared me for life same.

One night as I was praying,
I looked up over my bed.
A picture of a man was hanging.
Beneath that picture said,

“Suffer not the little children
To come unto me.”
Something in His words alone,
And in His face I began to see…

The Big Brother that I new before,
The one I held so dear.
A feeling sparked within my heart.
A feeling I felt so clear.

I saw My Brother, Jesus Christ,
Hanging there upon my wall.
I knew He had prepared the world for me,
And died and rose again for us all!

I have other poems that I will share along and along. I really wish I could finding my poetry inside myself again, hopefully over time I will.

But for now, it is blogging, and I am also going to give photography a try. Anything to help me focus and get out of my head.