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The Mean One

 

I have debated writing about this over the last couple of days, but I know that I would do myself and my readers a great injustice by not writing it.  This blog serves as my journal and our voice.

DID 1
DID 1 (Photo credit: Vlad OFP)

As you have noticed I have not written in several days,  the reason behind this is the level of my anxiety has been extremely high.  It began Sunday with a blow up with a step-daughter, that ended unresolved, and remains unresolved, and will probably remain unresolved.  I just need to let it go, and do the things that I have said I would do,  nip it in the bud when she starts taking life out on me, ending it right there and then, not allow myself to be her emotional punching bag.  I allowed this conversation go on much longer than I should have, each time she would throw her verbal artillery at me, I defended, allowing myself to release pinned up anger from the last nine years, thinking somehow that I would feel better.  I do not.  Though I do not feel bad about the things I said or did, I, in no way feel “vindicated” for by my words, just heavy and negative for letting go on so long.

Then Tuesday, I had a doctor’s appointment.  I get very anxious to go to this doctor’s office because the waiting room is full, that and it is my internist.  I knew that I had let my diabetes, my blood pressure, and cholesterol fall on the back burner.  Though this doctor has the absolutely most amazing bedside manner, I still feared being scolded, no matter how gently it would be.

As I stood in front of the mirror brushing my teeth and  trying to calm my nerves, Little Shanna, began to express her nervousness.  I tried to reassure her, letting her know how nice the Doctor was, and that I was just nervous, but that we would be okay.  Then I heard her the other voice, “You be quiet, I’ll take care of the squirt.”

I was confused and shocked.  Little Shanna, this third identity, and I talked.  The third, not nicely at all, she was upsetting Little Shanna and I tried to calm her.  I would ask her name, she would laugh and give me a different name every time.  She has given me the name Sharon, Sally, Susan…the worst was when she laughed and said Legion and continued to laugh.  I tried to rebuke her in the Name of Jesus Christ, but she laughed, and she knows that she and I are part of one, and she isn’t going anywhere. When I realized I was still brushing my teeth my mouth was bleeding.

I ran to my bedroom hurried to get dressed, so that I could get out to my parents house.  I was terrified.  She laughed, the most awful laugh.  I do not know if you remember me telling you about the experience with the smoke and fire trucks, it was that same laugh. I thought that was Little Shanna at the time.  I remember even then I said, she seemed older than Little Shanna that day, now I know why.  That day she told me she would exploit all my fears.  She has repeated that many times the last few days.

I hurried out to my parents.  Went to my Mother’s room where she was getting ready, and Daddy laying on the bed, through my tears, I told them.  “There is another one.”

We went to the living room and almost immediately Little Shanna came out.  She needed Mother to know she was scared.  She talked to Mother more than she usually does.  She kept saying she was scared. I cannot remember what else Mother said she said. In the middle of comforting Little Shanna, the other one pushed forward.

Mother said she looked very mean.  Mother told her to leave but she laughed that laugh that I always hear, and said, you can’t make me leave.  Mother called on the name of Jesus Christ to make her leave and she went back in, she was still tormenting me from the inside though.  Daddy said he could hear the laugh all the way back in the bedroom.

My days are running together, I think it was that night that I was sitting here and I heard Little Shanna whispering to get my attention.  I asked why she was whispering.  She said she did not want the “mean one” to hear her.  I do not know how the brain of the DID works, or if that is just the mind of the child not wanting someone else to hear her.  Anyway, she said, “Killing people is bad, I didn’t want to kill you. It was the mean one.”  If felt like she was implying that the “mean one” had made her say those things about killing me when she wanted me to commit suicide.

Another disturbing conversation, I think this was yesterday, but it could have been Tuesday also, was The Mean One telling me that ”I can force my way out and pretend it is you, a bitch and make your life hell and no one will know, but you cannot pretend to be me, everyone will know, sucks to be you.’” The prime example of this is Christmas with the family right before little Shanna came.  Little Shanna cries like she does because she is scared of The Mean One, and upset of the situation that caused The Mean One to come.

It is so scary having something so mean, sinister, inside you.  I wish I could understand DID.  Living it blindly scares me.  Going solely on my own experience I feel that Little Shanna only has my memories as a child.  The Mean One, pretty much access to everything. I do not know how to control her.

I just don’t know, I suppose we’ll see.  Thank you for reading. If you are a person of faith, I would not mind extra prayers right now.  I am having a hard time dealing with this.

Love you all. ~Hope

 

 

 

 

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Free Frustration Kit Enclosed

This morning began with my nerves on edge, I am not really sure why, I was just off. Now I realize it was an omen. I decided after I finished a couple of things around the house that I would wander down to my parents.

Let the adventures begin.

We uninstalled their old tv, installed a new, uninstalled the new, and reinstalled the old. Come to find out Vizio HD TV’s do not work well with DirectTV’s standard receiver, and that is a gross understatement. The picture was awful. I do not blame it so much on the Vizio TV as I do DirectTV and Vizio not playing well together. So it was back to their standard def, that looks high def, and then working on installing the ROKU on the TV in another room.

While working on their tv, the hubs called and said that he just left Comcast and they did not have the correct modem for us. Yeah, the one they said they had, and were noting in the system for us. So I called Comcast and let them know just how unhappy I was. This was the hubs second trip to third trip to a Comcast store. I thought I had someone who knew what she was doing, and she stated our correct Gateway would be Priority shipped on their dime plus credits for the time we have been without. I THOUGHT she had it all together, that is until tonight. I’ll go into that in a moment. I don’t know whether to say bless her heart or mine.

When I walked in from my parents house the hubs was hanging up from talking to Comcast. He had actually picked up another SMC (AKA piece of poop), he was activating it. However when he hung up, nothing was activated. Nothing. So he said something like, “Tag you are it.”

I called Comcast. I talked to a really nice young man. I did however, cover up the phone a few times to laugh. He sounded just like the guy from the original Children of the Corn, the one that says, “He wants you too Malachi.” This guy was super nice though, thankfully. He worked with me for a long time trying to activate it, but nothing. I told him my assumption was that it was never set to factory settings, that they just gave us a pooped out one. He agreed. My reasoning came from not being able to use the factory user name and password to get into the gateway user panel. Okay, geek talk.

Our conversation ended with, “I’m sorry you are going to need more technical help than I have.” Sigh. I really did not want to call back.

Now, since I have dealt with these messed up modems for several weeks now, I know how to do a factory reset. I looked it up on my phone to make sure. Low and behold, after I did that, I could get into the gateway AND we could connect. It still buffers because it is a SMC piece of work.

So I am sitting here relieved when what happens? I get an email from Comcast. Yay, my email works. Wait, what does this say??? It states my bill is going up from $72 to $86 month because of my “new modem”. What the heck? I am naughty word angry now. I have done the work for your technical support and you still have given me a piece of poop and charging me extra for it. I. DON’T. THINK. SO.

My husband said if they want to do that then we need to put K-Y all over that modem and tell them where they can put it. I must say, that is tempting. Even more so when I tried calling them to ask about it and they said they were closed for the day. 24/7 Customer Service my big toe.

Have I mentioned that i do not handle stress well? Wow, I think I need to find a Xanax and try to calm down. I am about ready to try the stress reliever below.

Can I just ask who turned my Friday into a Thursday??
frustration_relief

You Can’t See Me

Photo Credits: whatishowto.net
Photo Credits: whatishowto.net

I really hate days like today. My anxiety is through the roof. I have been working on my to list, each item giving me a greater measure of anxiety as I move to it. You would think that completing items would give me a sense of accomplishment, not so much right now. I am putting the completed items on my calendar, because I am pretty sure I will not remember accomplishing them.

Several items include dealing with other people over the phone. I have been okay with that, today I try to practice breathing and now listening to music to calm myself. So frustrating.

Yesterday I was looking at my Ipad and saw messages from a friend of mine. He sent me pictures of the beach that he lives near with snow on it. That was interesting. Even more perplexing, January 8th, I sent him a message, that I do not remember sending. It is a simple message, “LOL! It was 17 here with a wind chill in single digits. Crazy weather. Oh HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!‘ He then sent me a message back apparently and asked, “How are you guys doing?” I did not respond. I always respond to him. I do not know what was going on the 8th. Was I dissociated? Maybe I had a migraine and just do not remember. The 8th was his birthday, but I am pretty sure if the date had registered with me on the 8th, then I would have also remembered Grandmother’s death. That is the anniversary of her passing.

Today as I work on my lists, I want to do nothing more than climb in bed, and pull the covers up to my nose and tell the world, “You can’t see me.” I want to sleep. Sleep it all away, disappear under the covers, and hope to wake in a magical world. But lately my dreams aren’t magical, they bring nearly as much stress as being awake does. Nemesis from this world finding me in my dreams and preying on my innermost thoughts and struggles.

At the moment I am waiting for a callback from one item on my list. My attorney for my disability case. I suppose that I am anxious about that conversation, because I know that the last few times that I have talked in-depth about disability, an angry Little Shanna, and the other personality comes out. I am so tired that I do not know that I want to face that today, but any day will be the same.

Why not on Thursday…

Who Was On The Computer Last Night?

My husband complains today about being sleepy. I mention to him that it is most likely because he snored and needs to replace his CPAP mask. He then said, “No I was referring to someone else staying up all night.”

I looked at him questioning. I told him that I slept all night for change, or I thought I did. He goes on to say that I kept him awake messing around on my laptop.

Why do I find this so disturbing? I went to sleep before him. I woke up to go to the bathroom and he was still awake. We joked, and I went back to sleep. I do not remember waking up until Daisy started barking at 5:00. I told her to go back to sleep and I did the same. She woke me up again at 6:00, and I went did the morning routine that my husband normally does with the dogs on the weekdays. Letting them out, feeding them, and watering them.

I then came to check my email. Looked up a few things, and wasn’t on the computer long before I was sleepy and turned it off.

I have no recollection of being on my computer during the middle of the night. I do not know who was or what they did. It really bothers me. I really do not like this.

Photo Credit; colormegreen.areavoices.com
Photo Credit; colormegreen.areavoices.com

Show Me The Money

Before my life went completely crazy, I had a very useful hobby.

In 2011 I lost my job, had uterine cancer resulting in a radical hysterectomy, and then later that year surgery on my foot to remove a bone that kept breaking. Yeah sounds painful, it was. Our home went from two descent incomes to one just like that, and the second person became a financial burden with many medical bills. (My words not his.)

I felt awful and cried feeling like I was not contributing to the household. One day I remembered a blog I read once months before that talked about living on a budget and couponing. Hmmm…budget and couponing. Hmmm…couponing. I have heard of the extreme couponing, but this blogger’s method was not extreme. That is what I needed. I did not have the storage for a lot of stuff I do not need, and clearing the shelves bothers me. I hate empty shelves.

You need to know something about me. In the past if I had a nickel, I spent a dime or even worse a quarter, that equalled $35.20 in the red in my bank account. My husband is the same way. Our finances were not in the best shape, but we were doing okay with two incomes, the scraping by kind of okay.

So enter in the blog I read. I thought I can do this. If I can save us some money I will be doing something to help our finances. So I did. I loved it. It often made me laugh as I taught my Mother how to save money with coupons, because she is the queen of saving money. Over the years if we found an awesome sale we could call her and proudly proclaiming, “I found a _____sale.” The ____ is her name.

I am excited that I earned the nickname “Coupon Queen”. I knew what was on sale, where, and what coupons would matchup. I knew coupon policies better than managers of stores, and I expected them to comply. (This is the very reason I have only watched about 10 minutes of Extreme Couponing. They do not obey the policies on the show. You cannot realistically do what they do, nor do I feel like we need to. Personal opinion. Stores have even come out and said that they break their own policies for the show.)

I would do really well on our shopping trips, and yes, occasionally, if I hit a sale right, I would come out with free items, or with the store owing me a couple of dollars. But that was such a rare thing. I think my best shopping trip was at Harris Teeters $400 worth of groceries for $70. We ate on that for a while.

I miss couponing, but I do not do the shopping now. Having someone else buy with your coupons and list does not give me that save rush. Hopefully one day I feel not be afraid of going out in public again.

For Christmas my saving grace was Amazon. Amazon Prime $79 year free two-day shipping, plus you get Amazon Instant Video. What made that a sweeter deal is website that I found a few years ago.

Ebates is great. You can sign up clicking Ebates. What do I like about it? First is that it is FREE! Really free. Second, when you sign up you get a gift card of your choice, I think when I signed up I chose $10 Target. I am not sure what the cards are that you get to choose from now. Now the really awesome part. You get CASH BACK from stores that you already shop at. So my Christmas from Amazon, I was able to get 4% cash back. I think Amazon is at 1% now. Even when you renew your cell phones. CASH BACK!

Another way I have used it is for Wal-Mart. I believe it was 2% cash back at the time. Wal-Mart has site to store. I order my items through Ebates on the Wal-Mart website, and the item puts cash in my pocket, not to mention it is paid for and you have someone pick up the items for you if you cannot go yourself. I think other stores have this also.

I have received almost $100 back from Ebates. They send your “BIG FAT CHECK” quarterly.

Another way to save or even make money is Ibotta. I really like Ibotta. It is a smartphone app, IOS and Android compatible. You look at the offers and if they have an offer you like you select it, buy it, scan your receipt, and you get money. Bing Bang Boom. You can stack this easily with other coupons, because it is a cash back situation. Love it! The one thing really unique about Ibotta is that they get coupons from manufactures and items that normally do not have coupons. Like a couple of weeks ago there was an offer for $1 back on milk. They are running a special now that if you register now, yes it is free (that is all I do) but as I was saying you register now, and redeem and offer in 10 days you will automatically get $2. $2 is $2.

With today’s economy we all need all the help we can get. I will try to share more of my money-saving ideas along and along. I like helping others save money, I miss teaching others about couponing. I have thought about starting a website dedicated to it, but then things went crazy. Finances are usually a huge stresses for us, or they are to me. Maybe if I can share a few tricks of the trade that will help relieve some of your stress, I will feel better and so will you.

THIS IS NOT A CURRENT SALE...Harris Teeter Super Doubles. I was NOT going to go to this event. I had decided not to, THEN they sent me an email this morning about our favorite cereal. Reeces, for $1.97, dagnabit! I was not prepared. So I quickly got my list together. (For newbies, and old timers, I have found that the best way for me to do Super Doubles and Triples, quickly is look at my coupons, and match them up not so much by the ad, but using the Express Lane on the HT website. This gives you the aisle and if there is an Evic sale, you can also do a spreadsheet (computer nerd coming out in me) of what coupons you are matching up. So how did I do on a quick trip? How can YOU do on a quick trip? 3 Ocean Spray Blueberry Cocktail, 5 Reeces Puff Cereal, 1 Jiff Hazel Nuff Spread, 3 Nutella Hazelnut Spread, 2 KC Masterpiece BBQ Sauce, 1 Chicken Parmesan Viola, 3 Lean Pocket Pretzel, 1 Cocoa Puff Cereal Bars, 1 8oz Heluva Cheddar and Jalep, 3 Blue Blue Bunny ice-cream (really 5) (the bagger broke the seal when packing and they are going to replace for free because they were all over the place when I got home, but they said to eat what we could and not to worry about bringing in the boxes), 4 large bags of Doritos, and a 12 pack Snackwell. Grand Total: $32.33 PLUS .50 Cash back
THIS IS NOT A CURRENT SALE…Harris Teeter Super Doubles. I was NOT going to go to this event. I had decided not to, THEN they sent me an email this morning about our favorite cereal. Reeces, for $1.97, dagnabit! I was not prepared. So I quickly got my list together. (For newbies, and old timers, I have found that the best way for me to do Super Doubles and Triples, quickly is look at my coupons, and match them up not so much by the ad, but using the Express Lane on the HT website. This gives you the aisle and if there is an Evic sale, you can also do a spreadsheet (computer nerd coming out in me) of what coupons you are matching up. So how did I do on a quick trip? How can YOU do on a quick trip? 3 Ocean Spray Blueberry Cocktail, 5 Reeces Puff Cereal, 1 Jiff Hazel Nuff Spread, 3 Nutella Hazelnut Spread, 2 KC Masterpiece BBQ Sauce, 1 Chicken Parmesan Viola, 3 Lean Pocket Pretzel, 1 Cocoa Puff Cereal Bars, 1 8oz Heluva Cheddar and Jalep, 3 Blue Blue Bunny Icecream (really 5) (the bagger broke the seal when packing and they are going to replace for free because they were all over the place when I got home, but they said to eat what we could and not to worry about bringing in the boxes), 4 large bags of Doritos, and a 12 pack Snackwell. Grand Total: $32.33 PLUS .50 Cashback

Again, please do not be confused. That is not a current promotion from Harris Teeter. It was just one that I had taken a picture of.

Happy Saturday and hope you can save some money. Please use the links to sign up so I can get credit. (grovel, grovel) ~Hope

My Referer Links:
Ibotta
Ebates

Blog For Mental Health 2014


“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”  

 

I want to introduce myself to those who are new to my blog, and re-tell my story to those that have been with me the whole journey.

So what started me blogging, and why Narnia? Narnia as you know is the place of C.S. Lewis’ creation. It is a place where children went and lived as Kings and Queens, having magical things happen. Aslan was there to protect them and guide them. You wanted to be in Narnia. For me Narnia was the woods behind my childhood home, my parents home. The home they still live in.

Last year I began blogging soon after I realized the life I thought I had lived, was not exactly the life I lived. I remembered the Narnia of my youth; however, this time it was marred by one of my playmates when he orally raped me. I was only five. He was 12 or 13.
After the event I suppressed the memory deep inside, yet there was one who always remembered. That five-year old girl.

Through this last year my life consisted of weekly therapy appointments, medication changes, many tears, so much support from family and friends, prayers, questions, and more soul-searching than one person’s brain can endure in such a short time. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and DID. I originally went for help because of my depression and anxiety and with help dealing with an adoption fraud…Then Pandora’s Box opened. You can read about that

To say that this has been an emotional roller coaster is the understatement of the past five centuries. Learning that you have a child living inside you, a child that kept such a horrible secret from you out of fear and to protect you…and your rapist. Going from fear to love, fear to love, every time you see him in public now. Trying so hard to forgive, just when you think you have forgiven him, you see him and hear her screaming. I rarely leave home now, except to go to my doctor appointments.

I think throughout the year if you name an emotion I have felt it for Shanna. That’s her name. We now have a sweet and tender relationship, almost like mother and child. I want to protect her. Show her the world. Let her know it is okay. She is so pure.

Recently in therapy we discussed the possibility of another alter because of a personality that does not seem like me, nor does it seem like Shanna. This personality seems to manifest when I am under a lot of stress and right before Shanna comes out. She is very loud, angry, fault-finding, and uncontrollable. Not like me. Shanna just cries, and talks like a child talks if at all. Sometimes I co-exist with both personalities but oftentimes they push me so far back that others have to tell me what happened. I do not know if there is another alter, if this is another alter, they have not told me their name. Nor shared it with anyone. However, some very strange things have happened that cannot be explained, that makes me seriously wonder. I do not know, I am just very grateful that Shanna and I are friends now, and that we trust each other. Things were so bad with her for a while.

I am new to this whole world of DID. Anyone with any help or advise would be appreciated. I am new to PTSD also, but at least with it, some of my past actions and reactions are explained, and as irrational as the PTSD mind can get you still see the how and the why and understand. With DID, you feel crazy, I can’t speak for others, but I do, because I do not understand it.

What are my goals? I am working to become a well and whole person. I have come to realize it is a long and difficult journey, not for the weak. I began blogging to help myself, but also to help others in the same or similar situations. I invite you to come along with me on my journey to wholeness. Some days you will laugh. Others you might cry. Some days I will not blog about my mental health at all, normal days are wonderful gifts, and I cherish them. Together we will reclaim my Narnia and yours.

I look forward to meeting you and sharing this journey. I always welcome comments and discussion. Please know that even if you do not have mental health issues or someone with mental health issues, still come on along, the more the merrier!

Something new that I have done with my blog is opened two new pages.

Q & A: Ask me anything. I will try to answer. I will not give details of my rape.

Guest Bloggers: I love reading blogs, looking at pictures, poetry, etc. Would you like to be a guest blogger. Jump over to my guest blogger page.

We are an army against the negative stigma that we face, but we are also fighting our own individual battles.

All hail the battle cry!!

On..On to victory!!!

~Queen Hope of Narnia 🙂

Join in and let your voice be heard: http://acanvasoftheminds.com/2014/01/07/blog-for-mental-health-2014/

Heartbreak Sweethearts

Heartbreak Sweethearts.Many many years ago in a small town not too far away lived three best friends. No not Larry, Moe, and Curly, but Tweedle-Dee, Tweedle-Dumb, and Tweedle-Stupid. The three loudest and craziest NKOTB, also known as New Kids on the Block, fans that you could ever hope to find.

We most literally joined ourselves at the hips most weekends. Walking arms linked, crossing leg over leg over leg, singing, “Hey, Hey we’re the Monkeys.” Or bouncing and bebopping around singing NKOTB songs. Wandering stores walking up to strangers asking, “Where’s Bubba? Have you seen Bubba?” Trying to keep a straight face as we talked in the silly voices and gave a description of our missing imaginary “Bubba”.

We shared the off-key dream of becoming the next girl band, of course to tour with our successful and dreamy husbands, Donnie, Danny, and Jordan, or which three we chose that week. Sometimes going a month or two without changing our favorite, then we knew it was true undying love.

Our group name The Heartbreak Sweethearts. We spent hours practicing into microphones AKA hair brushes in my room or the room of one of my “band mates.” We still have the VHS and cassette recordings to prove it. I would say it is blackmail, but I think we all three love the memories and the laughter incited by it, that I could never be blackmail.

It was such a fun time.

Once we even attempted a rap song. Calling ourselves, get this…DaMob.. So the rap went. (I’ll try to type it out how we sang it beat wise.)

Yo we DaMob
We got somethin’
To Say

We gonna
Teach you
How to par~ty
In a brand new way

You think alcohol and drugs
Are the way to go
Well life is much easier
If you
JUST — SAY — NO!!!!

It was so funny, but it was also something we lived by. We had good clean and crazy fun. We were cool like that.

So the Daily Post Challenge is to take you to where I spent my sixteenth birthday? To come along you must wear stone washed jeans, yeah the kind that when you bought them you found the tiny sand and stones in the pockets. Now do not forget to roll-cuff your jeans tightly at the ankles. Also do not forget your white Keds and white socks. Just incase you are confused you can refer to the picture album cover above. This was taken the night of our party. Our faces have been blurred to protect us from the embarrassment of such fashion taboos.

Don’t worry it’s not requisite to wear NKOTB attire. We did and man were we proud. My sister made these shirts for us. I still have mine somewhere. She put our NKOTB nickname on the pocket. Mine was Cheese. (Which happened to be Donnie’s also. I always seemed to make my way back to Donnie. The bad boy.)

The music for the evening. You guessed it. We played so much New Kids, but we did share the night we a couple of other friends, male friends, so other music was mixed in to give some variety.

My Daddy brought and requested a specific song to dance with me, I am so bummed that none of us can remember the name of it. I called and asked my parents. I remember dancing and laughing with Daddy. He thought he was embarrassing me, but I thought it was great. I thought I would never forget the name of the song. I hope one day I will hear and remember it.

I hope that I have it in one of my journals. I do not think I wrote in my journal that night or the day after because I went to stay with Bec. Yeah, that joined at the hip thing. We often teased each other, “Okay, who’s turn is it to have the brain?”

Many memorable and amazing things happened that night or can be linked there. Sharing a dance with my Daddy at my 16th birthday, having both of my parents there, so very special.

Though dreams of singing stardom are long gone, the Heartbreak Sweethearts are still best friends after all these years, even adding a fourth to our group. Man is now married to the fella Bec was dating at our 16th, and they have two amazing and brilliant children. Bec is engaged to one of the guys that we shared our night with, one of our male best friends.

Wonderful things do happen on your sixteenth. Sometimes it might take years to see the fruits, but when it does it is magical.

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh..Hangin’ Tough! Thanks for coming with on my trip down memory lane. ~Hope

Daily Post Prompt: Sixteen

Happiness Is…

Give yourself up to this moment. Dare to see it. Now look down at your feet; slip out of those invisible tethers. Then ask: Where would you take yourself right this moment if you walked toward your most heartfelt dream? What would your life look like? What would your body look and feel like? What level of energy would you have? What might be your favorite activity? What would your daily life include? Imagine happiness — the sweet glow of inner contentment, the way it tastes and smells and feels. ~Chris Downie

Happiness danced in my thoughts today. My oldest step-daughter married her sweetheart yesterday in a somewhat secret ceremony, I believe just a few of his family attended. They posted the video on Facebook to share the exciting news.

I sent her a text today to ask her if I could put it on my wall that “my daughter married her sweetheart. I specifically asked about dropping the step that has stared me in the face since I became part of the family nine years ago. I hate that word. When she said I could. I cannot express the joy that brings to my heart.

Though she is an adult and has a “step” of her own now, part of her is still that young girl I met when I married her Dad. I fell in love with her and her sister. I made it clear my intentions were to never ever take the place of their mom who is still living, but that does not diminish the depth of the love that I feel for them. Through the years I developed a mother’s love for them. I ached when they hurt. I worried when they were sick. Frustrated when I saw them making choices that I knew would lead them into pain. I felt hurt when they were away and we did not get to spend the time we could with them. Distance and circumstances sometimes coming between our developing relationships. Each time though, my mother heart, would ache to know how my daughters were and we would find our way back to each other.

So having my daughter allow me to call her what my heart has called her all along is happiness to me. Knowing that she has found the man who will walk the road beside her being her constant and her strength makes this mom very happy.

Family means the world to me. I do not know where I would be without my family. I am so very grateful for the gift that my daughter gave me today to let me call her mine, and yesterday for increasing our family by two.

1b786a3567edcfd66c9a810be4822108

How Do I Begin? It’s THURSDAY!

already-thursday

 

Oh yes, if any day of the week is cursed it is Thursday, no not Monday as everyone simply assumes.  Thursday takes the most vile day of the week award. Everything bad seems to happen on Thursday.  

It probably began with my sleepless night.  It was well after 3:00 before I went to sleep. Do not suppose it was rainbows and unicorns that I dreamed of. Terrors filled my sleep including dreams of beating someone up then pulling that individual by her wrist to the kitchen where my parents keep their medicine, calling my Mother and the rest of our family in the room just as I swallowed the bottle of Xanax. It was awful.  All night I had dreams about this individual and different scenarios, I hated it.  

Generally when my husband leaves for work in the morning our thing to do is for me to get up and hug and kiss him goodbye.  This morning, exhausted, I just rolled over and asked him to hug me in bed, and tried to go back to sleep.  I hoped the nightmares would end and I would sleep.  I was able to get some sleep, but Daisy needed to go out

Then this afternoon. Then it started. I worked on my MP3s.  My new player does not work. Lovely. They are supposed to call me back when they issue the call tag to come and pick it up.  

I received a phone call, I did not recognize the number.  I did not answer.  They called right back.  So I assumed it was the service center.  How wrong I was.  It was a scammer.  After going on a bit about the scam, and my insistence that I knew it was a scam he finally admitted that he was trying to scam me. I was shocked by his admission. He said he wanted to be my friend. Was this a joke? He went into why he was doing this “job”.  I talked to him about his children and that him getting caught is going to ruin their lives, and they will be very hurt and feel abandoned and betrayed.  I talked to him about making things right.  Then conversation became weirder and more uncomfortable.  Soon he asked when he could call me again.  Stating he really enjoys talking to me.  What?  What just happened here?  I was just encouraging him to seek gainful, honest employment, to pray, and look for a church family.

My cousin teases me that I should write a book about my life.  I can get myself into some of the worst predicaments. I suppose a blog will do for now.

I am nervous as all get out.  This guy has my name, phone number, and so he has my address.  I called and reported the information to the FBI. In hopes that anyone else does not fall for these scammers.  They are many.  

The FBI explained it to me. These scammers HERE IN THE US…They buy drop phones with 876 area codes. There are other area codes they use too. (The area codes are places like Jamaica, The Virgin Islands, and Puerto Rio.)  Just do not answer any number with 876 unless you have family or friends there.  They use the catch line of you have won the lottery or your family is on a cruise and are very sick, or something like that.  When you call back you are charged a huge toll, phone companies do not cover it, they say it is between you and the company you called. This guy sounded like he was new at it or that he really did not want to do it.  He was stumbling over his words nervously from the beginning.  It is sad that people resort to this kind of life, some feeling it is their last and only resort.  It leaves their victims without anything and without trust.  Honestly it is a no win situation.

It is depressing the state that our world is in now.  I felt bad calling the FBI, but I also felt like it was the responsible thing to do.  

One thing I know for sure. I am ready for Friday. Another thing, I know. I am ready for dinner. My tummy is rumbling.

 

 

Thanks for reading about my crazy life. ~Hope

Children Will Listen

How beautifully true the words are Children Will Listen, they kept playing over and over in my mind. Generally when we talk about children we speak of those that we touch in our physical world our children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, students, friends, or just the child on the street.

As I sang this song with tears in my eyes recalling the words that Little Shanna has heard from me all these years. The words I have said about myself. The words she internalized and having no way to process or express, she attached these to her other negative secrets. (She asked that I use her real name.  I will not always, but today. I agreed, because it is important to her.)

Whereas my shield against the world, forged by my parents, family and friends has mostly been created with positive input, hers, due to my inner negative dialogue became a shield that was not much of a shield at all. Just awful awful scary untruths and half-truths. Words a five year-old should never hear.

It is no secret that since I was a teenager, I have had thoughts of suicide. I attempted it once, but the razor would not cut me. I do not take suicide thoughts, talk, or attempts lightly. I have had friends who have felt the darkness and stepped beyond trying to find relief. I will not judge them and I will jump to their defense if I hear anyone saying anything about someone who has attempted or committed suicide.

However, as I have said before, I have made a promise to my Mother that I will not kill myself as long as I have my faculties about me. I will reach out, call, do whatever I can do get out of that dark place where you physically, spiritually, and emotionally feel a pain that is black, completely absent of light, piercing every cell in your body. You just want the pain to stop.

Having said that, as she has watched from her corner of my mind, Little Shanna, has equated sadness with the need to die or to kill yourself. She does not remember the promise nor will she make the promise that I made with Mother. See has seen my misery and torment that words do not do justice, and heard my thoughts seen the pills in my hands, as I shook and yelled.  I just want to die.  She has heard it so many times.  I have to get her to trust me enough now to LISTEN and make the promise that we will keep each other safe.

Singing I looked over on my night stand and saw the monkey I bought her the first few weeks after she came out. He has been covered with junk since I came home from the weekend that I bought him. When she first let me know her secret, I felt sorry for her, broken-hearted. I considered it our secret. As the months passed I have pushed her farther and farther away. Angrily at times, blaming her for the mess my life is in. If she would have kept her secret to herself. If she would not act out. If she would…

Seeing her stuffed bear reminded me she is a child and reminded me of the feelings I felt for her when she first let me know what happened.  I began to be really penitent about pushing her away, even when she was being  a loud five-year old at inconvenient times. She is a child. Most children act out in the least convenient times.

How is she going to heal if the one who should love her most of all continues pushing her away with hateful words, wishing she were gone. How is she going to heal when her protector becomes her abuser?

If she cannot heal then we cannot heal, and if we cannot heal then I cannot heal.

I know that we both want to heal TOGETHER.