Tag Archives: Posttraumatic stress disorder

Busy Hands Trying To Silence My Mind

Mentally busy today updating my OS on my Macbook and then trying to figure out how to get Zemanta on my blog.  Oh how I have missed Zemanta.

Really the goal has been to keep my mind off of my doctors appointments tomorrow.  When I go to therapy and my psychiatrist, the waiting room is generally not too crowded, but my internist and my pulminologist, oftentimes it is standing room only.  So my anxiety as already started, go figure.

Wow I did not realize what time it was, it is already time for me to cook dinner for the hubs.  Where is he?  Hmmmm…Yeah, that is a phone call to make, wish I had not noticed the time.

Thanks for reading.  Have a great evening! ~Hope

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Lillie’s Pain Analogy

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I love this girl. Though she is my parents pup, her little heart beats in unison with mine. I suppose there are several reasons. I was the one who found her on Craigslist. My Daddy and I picked her up on a really rotten day for me. When her little toothless piglet looking self was handed to me it was instant love. During her first vet appointment the vet was very concerned for her survival. Between the dishonest breeder pulling her away from her mom too soon, to the genetic issues that she has from inbreeding, TLC was what it would take to make the cutest girl from Lakeland, Georgia thrive.

Thriving she is. She has gain two pounds, weighing in at a whooping 2.6 lbs. Today she went to have her second set of Parvo and Distemper Shots. Poor poor angel girl.

About two hours after the shots she started hurting really bad. Crying out when she was put down. crying if my Daddy held her. Crying when Heidi licked her. I called my Mother to she how her appointment went and I could hear my girl crying. I wanted to cry. Mother was trying to cook lunch, but every move she made Lillie Pie would cry out. I could not stand it. I told Mother I come down and relieve her to so she could cook.

When I walked in Lillie saw me and immediately tried to get to me, crying loudly the whole time. broke my heart into a thousand pieces. She didn’t know why moving hurt. Wrapped in her pink blankie, she finally relaxed in my arms and went to sleep.

So where is the analogy?

PTSD and Depression is like what Lillie experienced today. She went through the traumatic experience, but the pain did not hit, really hit until hours later. Then every time she thought about it, even in her dreams she would scream out in pain. I am sure she is sore, do not get me wrong, but the screams coming from this baby were so horrible. Unbearable agony. She did not know why she was in pain, she did not associate it with the shot anymore. As a matter of fact, at one point I noticed that she shied away from her blanket. I think she thought that her blanket was her tormentor. Often with PTSD we see those that are trying to comfort us as tormentors because we do not understand what we are feeling and experiencing and on what side of reality we stand during the experience. Nor do those that are trying to help use, and in helping us they sometimes bring us pain.Another thing that I thought about, and I recently talked to a dear friend about this as I tried to help them validate their feelings of childhood sexual abuse. You sometimes have very intense emotions that you cannot put your finger on a reason, I have always told my husband that. I am mad, sad, upset, or whatever, but I do not know why. My way of describing this to my friend was amputee victims having fathom feelings itches or pains in the limb that is no longer there. Phantom emotions cause similar experiences. Being detached whether it be time or geographically from the abuse and abuser, yet still experiencing the phantom emotions. You have them without thinking about your abuse, the feelings are just there, and much like the amputee, learning how to deal with phantom emotions is a key to healing and it is a journey. They will never go away completely as we will learn coping skills, we can begin to feel whole again.

Daily Prompt: I Don’t Wanna, But I Know Need To

Daily Prompt: We Can Be Taught!
Tell us a moment or an incident that you treasure – not necessarily because it brought you happiness, but because it taught you something about yourself.

Earlier this year my Internist and I sat having lengthy a conversation about my anxiety and depression. Both had gone of for years and years, and I have been through so many medications requiring to change them about every two years. He said in his wisdom that I needed to go to someone specialized in mental health and to get counseling.

My heart and my mind immediately went…EEEEERRRRRKKKKK!!! (That would be the sound effect of brakes stopping racing tires on the pavement.) My voice however said, “My husband goes to Dr. X, a psychiatrist and I will see if I can get in to see him.” My doctor had another psychiatrist that he had referred patients to in the past, if I could not get into Dr. X. I will always remember his words, “Choosing your mental health doctor needs to be a personal decision.” I did not quite understand the full impact and emotion behind that until later in my journey.

For the life of me I do not remember if it was that day or a week or several weeks before I made an appointment with Dr. X, nonetheless, I did. I cried on the way to the appointment, realizing that I needed it but still sad that I had to go. Even thought about cancelling, after all I had asthmatic bronchitis and was coughing constantly. I would not be able to talk, yes, that would be my excuse. I knew if I cancelled, though, I would not reschedule.

I had sat in his office a couple of times before with my husband, this time was different. I was the one under the microscope and being mentally interrogated. He started throwing possible diagnosis at me. MS, ADD, Asbergers, PTSD, Major Depression, and Anxiety. Woah, what are you talking about Doc? My mind raced. He sent me for a gallon of lab work, which was good. I needed several of them for my other doctor too. Before I left he said “I want you to make and appointment to meet with this therapist, she does EMDR.” I will never forget his words either, “I really feel she can help you.”

So off I went to call the therapist, she was able to see me that day. You often hear the cliché today is the first day of the rest of your life. Well, that day truly was, and not in a good way.

You can read about that experience here.

That is one call I wish I had never made, truth be known, I wish I could rewind the clock and see another psychiatrist. I think it is a bad idea for spouses to see the same psychiatrist, especially when one or the other is really close with the psychiatrist. My husband has been in with Dr. X for two years now. I am not saying Dr. X is not a good doctor, he has helped my husband, but I think because of the friendship he has with my husband it is hard for him to be objective about me, or at least that is how I feel. Trust is key in a mental health doctor patient relationship, as in any doctor patient relationship.

When I started going to the EMDR therapist Dr. X said he would “hover” over my care and see me every three months. He never changed my mental medications, but wanted to remove me from the medications for my other health problems, or rather wanted my other doctors to remove me from them. When things went so horribly wrong with EMDR, I felt betrayed by the EMDR therapist and Dr. X for recommending her so highly when she clearly was not going by EMDR protocol. My husband still goes to both, so as my internist puts it, mental health is an individual choice. I really think Dr. X is a genuinely nice person, and am so grateful for what he has done to help my husband.

I have now found the right therapist for me. She talks to and with me. When I explain how I am feeling she makes sure she understands she heard what I meant and felt behind my words. I appreciate that. I have an appointment to see a new psychiatrist soon. She is highly recommended by my therapist.

I am learning so much about myself in therapy. Just this week, right before session ended I recognized something pivotal. Anytime anything negative happens in my life, I do not just live that negative event. I relive every negative event. That is why I get so, so upset and so,so down and discouraged feeling like there is nothing good in the world. I guess misery loves company, so does my own misery, it brings its own memories. She mentioned this is a symptom of PTSD and grief.

A light bulb just went on in my head as I typed that. My Mother mentions that I get very very angry lately. I do not realize how intensely angry I get because I am trying so hard not to let my emotions take control of me. I wonder if this too could be part of that same picture. For example last Friday being denied by disability, I knew I was intensely sad, but I do not recall anger. Mother recalls anger. Do all of my suppressed emotions bubble over at once without me realizing it? Over something relatively small in the scheme of things, I knew I would be denied the first time. I became so depressed by the belittling terminology used in the letter.

I am learning that though I feel weak, in the same breath I am very strong. I have dealt with many trials in my life, and continue to do so every day. I am a fighter. Some moments I think that fight is gone, but it is clearly still there. I am a survivor.

I am learning and relearning talents that I would not have if I had been brought to this low point in my life. I once loved to write, and I promised I would write to help people. One day I stopped. I thought I lost the talent.

Blogging is not the same as the poetry that I once wrote, but is writing. I am grateful for the outlet. Also my new joy, I would say my one real joy is photography. I am grateful that I am learning to take pictures and see things differently. Something that is interesting to me, is that things that are normally ugly, can be absolutely gorgeous when taken with macro.

I think that is what I am learning through therapy. Take a closer look at yourself, study yourself, get to know yourself, and love yourself. One day, those things that are you think hideous, will be blessings and beautiful. Other people already see that beauty and hold that love for you close until you are ready to accept it, one day I will be ready.

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