Tag Archives: Step Families

The Mean One

 

I have debated writing about this over the last couple of days, but I know that I would do myself and my readers a great injustice by not writing it.  This blog serves as my journal and our voice.

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DID 1 (Photo credit: Vlad OFP)

As you have noticed I have not written in several days,  the reason behind this is the level of my anxiety has been extremely high.  It began Sunday with a blow up with a step-daughter, that ended unresolved, and remains unresolved, and will probably remain unresolved.  I just need to let it go, and do the things that I have said I would do,  nip it in the bud when she starts taking life out on me, ending it right there and then, not allow myself to be her emotional punching bag.  I allowed this conversation go on much longer than I should have, each time she would throw her verbal artillery at me, I defended, allowing myself to release pinned up anger from the last nine years, thinking somehow that I would feel better.  I do not.  Though I do not feel bad about the things I said or did, I, in no way feel “vindicated” for by my words, just heavy and negative for letting go on so long.

Then Tuesday, I had a doctor’s appointment.  I get very anxious to go to this doctor’s office because the waiting room is full, that and it is my internist.  I knew that I had let my diabetes, my blood pressure, and cholesterol fall on the back burner.  Though this doctor has the absolutely most amazing bedside manner, I still feared being scolded, no matter how gently it would be.

As I stood in front of the mirror brushing my teeth and  trying to calm my nerves, Little Shanna, began to express her nervousness.  I tried to reassure her, letting her know how nice the Doctor was, and that I was just nervous, but that we would be okay.  Then I heard her the other voice, “You be quiet, I’ll take care of the squirt.”

I was confused and shocked.  Little Shanna, this third identity, and I talked.  The third, not nicely at all, she was upsetting Little Shanna and I tried to calm her.  I would ask her name, she would laugh and give me a different name every time.  She has given me the name Sharon, Sally, Susan…the worst was when she laughed and said Legion and continued to laugh.  I tried to rebuke her in the Name of Jesus Christ, but she laughed, and she knows that she and I are part of one, and she isn’t going anywhere. When I realized I was still brushing my teeth my mouth was bleeding.

I ran to my bedroom hurried to get dressed, so that I could get out to my parents house.  I was terrified.  She laughed, the most awful laugh.  I do not know if you remember me telling you about the experience with the smoke and fire trucks, it was that same laugh. I thought that was Little Shanna at the time.  I remember even then I said, she seemed older than Little Shanna that day, now I know why.  That day she told me she would exploit all my fears.  She has repeated that many times the last few days.

I hurried out to my parents.  Went to my Mother’s room where she was getting ready, and Daddy laying on the bed, through my tears, I told them.  “There is another one.”

We went to the living room and almost immediately Little Shanna came out.  She needed Mother to know she was scared.  She talked to Mother more than she usually does.  She kept saying she was scared. I cannot remember what else Mother said she said. In the middle of comforting Little Shanna, the other one pushed forward.

Mother said she looked very mean.  Mother told her to leave but she laughed that laugh that I always hear, and said, you can’t make me leave.  Mother called on the name of Jesus Christ to make her leave and she went back in, she was still tormenting me from the inside though.  Daddy said he could hear the laugh all the way back in the bedroom.

My days are running together, I think it was that night that I was sitting here and I heard Little Shanna whispering to get my attention.  I asked why she was whispering.  She said she did not want the “mean one” to hear her.  I do not know how the brain of the DID works, or if that is just the mind of the child not wanting someone else to hear her.  Anyway, she said, “Killing people is bad, I didn’t want to kill you. It was the mean one.”  If felt like she was implying that the “mean one” had made her say those things about killing me when she wanted me to commit suicide.

Another disturbing conversation, I think this was yesterday, but it could have been Tuesday also, was The Mean One telling me that ”I can force my way out and pretend it is you, a bitch and make your life hell and no one will know, but you cannot pretend to be me, everyone will know, sucks to be you.’” The prime example of this is Christmas with the family right before little Shanna came.  Little Shanna cries like she does because she is scared of The Mean One, and upset of the situation that caused The Mean One to come.

It is so scary having something so mean, sinister, inside you.  I wish I could understand DID.  Living it blindly scares me.  Going solely on my own experience I feel that Little Shanna only has my memories as a child.  The Mean One, pretty much access to everything. I do not know how to control her.

I just don’t know, I suppose we’ll see.  Thank you for reading. If you are a person of faith, I would not mind extra prayers right now.  I am having a hard time dealing with this.

Love you all. ~Hope

 

 

 

 

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Happiness Is…

Give yourself up to this moment. Dare to see it. Now look down at your feet; slip out of those invisible tethers. Then ask: Where would you take yourself right this moment if you walked toward your most heartfelt dream? What would your life look like? What would your body look and feel like? What level of energy would you have? What might be your favorite activity? What would your daily life include? Imagine happiness — the sweet glow of inner contentment, the way it tastes and smells and feels. ~Chris Downie

Happiness danced in my thoughts today. My oldest step-daughter married her sweetheart yesterday in a somewhat secret ceremony, I believe just a few of his family attended. They posted the video on Facebook to share the exciting news.

I sent her a text today to ask her if I could put it on my wall that “my daughter married her sweetheart. I specifically asked about dropping the step that has stared me in the face since I became part of the family nine years ago. I hate that word. When she said I could. I cannot express the joy that brings to my heart.

Though she is an adult and has a “step” of her own now, part of her is still that young girl I met when I married her Dad. I fell in love with her and her sister. I made it clear my intentions were to never ever take the place of their mom who is still living, but that does not diminish the depth of the love that I feel for them. Through the years I developed a mother’s love for them. I ached when they hurt. I worried when they were sick. Frustrated when I saw them making choices that I knew would lead them into pain. I felt hurt when they were away and we did not get to spend the time we could with them. Distance and circumstances sometimes coming between our developing relationships. Each time though, my mother heart, would ache to know how my daughters were and we would find our way back to each other.

So having my daughter allow me to call her what my heart has called her all along is happiness to me. Knowing that she has found the man who will walk the road beside her being her constant and her strength makes this mom very happy.

Family means the world to me. I do not know where I would be without my family. I am so very grateful for the gift that my daughter gave me today to let me call her mine, and yesterday for increasing our family by two.

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My Voice, My Blog, Me Screaming, My Boundaries

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This is my therapy blog. I write to get things out. My therapist reads it occasionally also. Part of my healing journey is to share experiences with others out there that may be experiencing similiar situations also to get feedback from those in the same boat.

Boundaries. I have talked about them alot. Talking and creating them are two separate things. Two of the largest stressers in my life have been two people that I love. I have offered myself unconditionally to nurture for the last eight years of my life. I tried being a loving stepmom. I tried being a friend and confidant. I have been a referee and a buffer. To them however, I am only a punching bag, a scape goat, and cause of all problems great and small. They are both adults now, the attitudes which I hoped would improve with age have only become more toxic towards me.

I no longer accept that roles they assign to me. I cannot accept them for my mental health nor for the health of my marriage. Boundaries now set.

My heart broke as I responded to the last toxic text today with “no more” and an explaination but my heart will heal, hopefully they will too. Healing whatever causes them to be so bitter and cruel towards me, I want them to be sucessful and honorable women, realizing their hopes and dreams.

I will not stand in the way of any relationship my husband desires to have with his daughters. I just will no longer force a relationship or try to heal or bandaid any misunderstandings they may have. It is not healthy for me. Too many tears have been shed for naught. Too many emotional bruises and scars. Enough is enough.

My energy must be focused on other things, like becoming whole again. Focusing on the positive things in my life.

30 Day Blog Challenge Day 2 – Current Relationship

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Today’s task is to write about my current relationship.

I have mentioned before that we met online. We met on a website called LDSMingle. I went on the site as a dare from a friend that had met someone on it. I told her that her situation of meeting a nice guy online was rare, and I would get online for 3 months just to prove to her that hers was the exception to the rule. This was the first week January 2005.

I had done the singles scene, even attended singles only congregations. I just did not find the right person. When I attended the singles functions I always put “Mahana” as my name on my name tag. ..referring to the Legend of Jonnny Lingo, where Mahana was the most homely girl in the Hawaiian village, but Johnny Lingo loved her and he bartered her father 8 cows for her hand in marriage, more than any other woman’s dowry. As a result, her self esteem blossomed and she became the most beautiful woman on the island. (I love the movie, it is 23 minutes long, I have attached it.)

So, here I am on LDSMingle, and I see a post that says, “Mahana, Are You Out There”? he did not go by Johnny, but rather Cleatus, but I decided to send him an email. He teases me to this day about the picture that I had as my profile, perfect for Mahana, pre-Johnny days. Either way, we started chatting online and sending emails, constantly. This was only January 13th, far from my 3 month trial.

Eventually he called, and we talked, and talked, and talked. We talked more than we ever would have if we had lived in the same area. He lived across the country. In Febraury we decided that he would come out here for Easter. He landed in Jacksonville Friday evening, we had our first date and our first kiss.

Saturday, he sat my parents down at the table with a duffle bag full of stuffed animals. This would be my dowry. There were cows, horses, lambs, pigs, and I can’t remember what else. Mahana did not have anything on me. He then knelt down and asked me to marry him. I said yes. I often tease him that it was the painkillers talking because I had surgery two days before he arrived.

We were married in June of that year. Keeping with the Johnny Lingo theme, our reception was a luau. It was so much fun.

We have been married eight years. They have not all been easy, some have been down right hard, but we made covenants with each other and with Heavenly Father to see it through. I love him, and I know he loves me.

He supports our family as the sole bread winner. I know that is hard on him, but I am so grateful for his devotion and willingness to work, even through the stresses and frustration.

He has a hearty infectious laugh, one of the things I wrote about in my journal when we first met. He loves to serve others. My Daddy adores him, and he can fix anything. He is absolutely brillant.

We have two daughters from his first marriage some days they are the greatest blessings, sometimes the greatest trials, but I guess that it what being a parent is about. I wish I could see them more, and really have a true relationship with them. It is hard across the country, sometimes distance other times raw emotion often gets in the way. I love them and look forward to seeing them both realize their dreams.

Some of our greatest joys are our four legged babies that we share our home with. They love us unconditionally. They ground us. Each has a unique personaility.

One of our songs as always been The Broken Road..

This is the Johnny Lingo Video. Hope You Enjoy!