I have debated writing about this over the last couple of days, but I know that I would do myself and my readers a great injustice by not writing it. This blog serves as my journal and our voice.
As you have noticed I have not written in several days, the reason behind this is the level of my anxiety has been extremely high. It began Sunday with a blow up with a step-daughter, that ended unresolved, and remains unresolved, and will probably remain unresolved. I just need to let it go, and do the things that I have said I would do, nip it in the bud when she starts taking life out on me, ending it right there and then, not allow myself to be her emotional punching bag. I allowed this conversation go on much longer than I should have, each time she would throw her verbal artillery at me, I defended, allowing myself to release pinned up anger from the last nine years, thinking somehow that I would feel better. I do not. Though I do not feel bad about the things I said or did, I, in no way feel “vindicated” for by my words, just heavy and negative for letting go on so long.
Then Tuesday, I had a doctor’s appointment. I get very anxious to go to this doctor’s office because the waiting room is full, that and it is my internist. I knew that I had let my diabetes, my blood pressure, and cholesterol fall on the back burner. Though this doctor has the absolutely most amazing bedside manner, I still feared being scolded, no matter how gently it would be.
As I stood in front of the mirror brushing my teeth and trying to calm my nerves, Little Shanna, began to express her nervousness. I tried to reassure her, letting her know how nice the Doctor was, and that I was just nervous, but that we would be okay. Then I heard her the other voice, “You be quiet, I’ll take care of the squirt.”
I was confused and shocked. Little Shanna, this third identity, and I talked. The third, not nicely at all, she was upsetting Little Shanna and I tried to calm her. I would ask her name, she would laugh and give me a different name every time. She has given me the name Sharon, Sally, Susan…the worst was when she laughed and said Legion and continued to laugh. I tried to rebuke her in the Name of Jesus Christ, but she laughed, and she knows that she and I are part of one, and she isn’t going anywhere. When I realized I was still brushing my teeth my mouth was bleeding.
I ran to my bedroom hurried to get dressed, so that I could get out to my parents house. I was terrified. She laughed, the most awful laugh. I do not know if you remember me telling you about the experience with the smoke and fire trucks, it was that same laugh. I thought that was Little Shanna at the time. I remember even then I said, she seemed older than Little Shanna that day, now I know why. That day she told me she would exploit all my fears. She has repeated that many times the last few days.
I hurried out to my parents. Went to my Mother’s room where she was getting ready, and Daddy laying on the bed, through my tears, I told them. “There is another one.”
We went to the living room and almost immediately Little Shanna came out. She needed Mother to know she was scared. She talked to Mother more than she usually does. She kept saying she was scared. I cannot remember what else Mother said she said. In the middle of comforting Little Shanna, the other one pushed forward.
Mother said she looked very mean. Mother told her to leave but she laughed that laugh that I always hear, and said, you can’t make me leave. Mother called on the name of Jesus Christ to make her leave and she went back in, she was still tormenting me from the inside though. Daddy said he could hear the laugh all the way back in the bedroom.
My days are running together, I think it was that night that I was sitting here and I heard Little Shanna whispering to get my attention. I asked why she was whispering. She said she did not want the “mean one” to hear her. I do not know how the brain of the DID works, or if that is just the mind of the child not wanting someone else to hear her. Anyway, she said, “Killing people is bad, I didn’t want to kill you. It was the mean one.” If felt like she was implying that the “mean one” had made her say those things about killing me when she wanted me to commit suicide.
Another disturbing conversation, I think this was yesterday, but it could have been Tuesday also, was The Mean One telling me that ”I can force my way out and pretend it is you, a bitch and make your life hell and no one will know, but you cannot pretend to be me, everyone will know, sucks to be you.’” The prime example of this is Christmas with the family right before little Shanna came. Little Shanna cries like she does because she is scared of The Mean One, and upset of the situation that caused The Mean One to come.
It is so scary having something so mean, sinister, inside you. I wish I could understand DID. Living it blindly scares me. Going solely on my own experience I feel that Little Shanna only has my memories as a child. The Mean One, pretty much access to everything. I do not know how to control her.
I just don’t know, I suppose we’ll see. Thank you for reading. If you are a person of faith, I would not mind extra prayers right now. I am having a hard time dealing with this.
Love you all. ~Hope
Went to the doctor today, when they took my oxygen stats they were low. Yay me! He has put me on a nebulizer for my asthma, one without steroids. I am so sensitive to steroids
that though they would do my lungs a world of good, my mental state and the mental state of those around me does not benefit from me on them.
Speaking of breathing in and breathing out. On the way to town, I practiced self soothing with my MP3 and circular breathing. Though I was probably better than I would have been without these techniques, I cried in anticipation of being in a crowded waiting room. My angel Mother went in to both offices for me and waited for them to call my name. She then would come and let me know so I could go to my room. I helped a lot.
This morning I before my appointments, I found something I wanted to share. I hope that it will help all of us with our anxiety. My therapist has helped me with mindfulness, when I found this, I was so excited. She was hoping to create a MP3 for me, this is so similar to the technique she uses.
We’ll I hope you have a great night. I think I am going to throw the tower in early.
This morning began with my nerves on edge, I am not really sure why, I was just off. Now I realize it was an omen. I decided after I finished a couple of things around the house that I would wander down to my parents.
Let the adventures begin.
We uninstalled their old tv, installed a new, uninstalled the new, and reinstalled the old. Come to find out Vizio HD TV’s do not work well with DirectTV’s standard receiver, and that is a gross understatement. The picture was awful. I do not blame it so much on the Vizio TV as I do DirectTV and Vizio not playing well together. So it was back to their standard def, that looks high def, and then working on installing the ROKU on the TV in another room.
While working on their tv, the hubs called and said that he just left Comcast and they did not have the correct modem for us. Yeah, the one they said they had, and were noting in the system for us. So I called Comcast and let them know just how unhappy I was. This was the hubs second trip to third trip to a Comcast store. I thought I had someone who knew what she was doing, and she stated our correct Gateway would be Priority shipped on their dime plus credits for the time we have been without. I THOUGHT she had it all together, that is until tonight. I’ll go into that in a moment. I don’t know whether to say bless her heart or mine.
When I walked in from my parents house the hubs was hanging up from talking to Comcast. He had actually picked up another SMC (AKA piece of poop), he was activating it. However when he hung up, nothing was activated. Nothing. So he said something like, “Tag you are it.”
I called Comcast. I talked to a really nice young man. I did however, cover up the phone a few times to laugh. He sounded just like the guy from the original Children of the Corn, the one that says, “He wants you too Malachi.” This guy was super nice though, thankfully. He worked with me for a long time trying to activate it, but nothing. I told him my assumption was that it was never set to factory settings, that they just gave us a pooped out one. He agreed. My reasoning came from not being able to use the factory user name and password to get into the gateway user panel. Okay, geek talk.
Our conversation ended with, “I’m sorry you are going to need more technical help than I have.” Sigh. I really did not want to call back.
Now, since I have dealt with these messed up modems for several weeks now, I know how to do a factory reset. I looked it up on my phone to make sure. Low and behold, after I did that, I could get into the gateway AND we could connect. It still buffers because it is a SMC piece of work.
So I am sitting here relieved when what happens? I get an email from Comcast. Yay, my email works. Wait, what does this say??? It states my bill is going up from $72 to $86 month because of my “new modem”. What the heck? I am naughty word angry now. I have done the work for your technical support and you still have given me a piece of poop and charging me extra for it. I. DON’T. THINK. SO.
My husband said if they want to do that then we need to put K-Y all over that modem and tell them where they can put it. I must say, that is tempting. Even more so when I tried calling them to ask about it and they said they were closed for the day. 24/7 Customer Service my big toe.
Have I mentioned that i do not handle stress well? Wow, I think I need to find a Xanax and try to calm down. I am about ready to try the stress reliever below.
One of the reasons I stopped blogging a few months ago was because I was so caught up in numbers. Worrying about my stats daily. Am I being boring? What are my readers thinking? Between that and Little Hope angry that I called her Hope, it just became too much.
Today I have thought about what drives me to write. Mainly to get the thoughts out to calm me. Others is to connect with others. I hope my words do reach others, and somehow help them. Even it is helps them, helps YOU not feel so alone.
Originally I had hoped to make money blogging, but I know my blog is not going to ever make money. It is not about a money-making topic that brings people in droves. Maybe down the road when I am farther along in my journey, I will visit that idea again. Right now I want to focus on quality posts about my life.
This is the life I am living. This blog is much more than a blog to me, it is my online journal. I am going to treat it as such. I hope as I do you do not get bored reading. Gratefully, some days are boring. I long for those days. Days that I can say, “Today I cleaned house and cooked dinner.” Of course I will go into more details, and talk more about what I am feeling.
I do have a QUESTION. Before my hiatus when I blogged at the bottom in visual mode it offered suggestions on blogs that I could pingback to, blogs that had similar subject matter. I do not see this anymore. Is there something that I need to activate to get that back or what? I do not remember what it is called. I would love to have that option again. I think it was a great way to network in our blogging community. If you know what it is or how I can get it back PLEASE let me know. Thanks!
I hope you all have a wonderful night! -Hope
I suppose you have noticed that I have been absent from my blog this week. Just writing this post I am getting anxiety, but as part of being real, I wanted to share what is going on.
I have had several migranes lately during the day, but that is not the reason I have not been posting. Honestly, I have been trying really hard to process the last time I disassociated. It really scared me.
I realized how out of control my life is. I am trying to figure out ways to reach Little Hope. Promises I have made, she does not recognize as promised she has made and that scares me.
This week when I have not been battling the inner demons of how to deal with her, I have laid here with my mind blank, numb almost, wondering where my life has gone. I hurt constantly mentally and physically.
My doctor is fighting with my insurance company trying to get them to pre-approve my MRI for my back. The nerve conduction study came back with nerve root damage, but they need to do the MRI to see what is pressing on the nerve roots.
Who knows what is going to happen.
One of my worst character traits is caring way too much what others think about me, and trying to live up to perceived expectations. I have always done this, many nightmares past and present show this. Being in the deepest abyss of depression that I find myself these days, what seems to be the smallest comment to someone else throws me into a self loathing fit wanting to end it all. Literally masking anything good in life.
I hate that I am like this. I hate that I let others down, real or perceived. I wish healing was an immediate fix, but it is not. I am trying, but I often wonder why. Three or four steps forward seven or eight backward. Kind of like debt with high interest that you only pay the monthly payment are you ever going to get from under the debt?
Yes, my medications were changed last week. Last week. We do not know if they are going to work yet. Right now I do not feel any better, but it has only been a week. I do not like being broken! Makes this PG language speaking girl want to use some R rated language!! I hate that I even think it, because when little Hope comes she does not have the filter that I do, which is very strange, because I did not swear as a child either. I can bite my tongue, with her she just wants to let all the anger out. Maybe she is the smart part of me, I am afraid of the anger. I am afraid that when it starts it will not stop, and also that I become an ugly no Christ-like person expressing it. So conflicted.
I feel like I need a punching bag and put my face on it. Yelling, screaming, and beating the crap out of me would feel so good. Yes, I get frustrated with others, but I loathe myself. I expect too much emotionally from myself, expected to be healed today or yesterday because that is what others expect or at least that is what I perceive they feel.
I do not know how to turn off that part of myself so that I do not put my energy into what others think, but rather focus on healing. Right now I am spinning my tires and getting burnt out.
My husband is watching a tv show that has a good bit of swearing in it. Swearing is one of those things that bothers me. Ironically, I have found myself saying a word or two since I have been going through these most difficult days. I do not like that. That is one of the reasons I put on my headphones and started listening to uplifting music and watching uplifting videos. I do not want negative words to be the first things that pop into my mind when I get angry, and if I put a filter on my mind it seems it is easier to control my mouth. Go figure.
Ironically, the first song I listened to tonight on the LDS Radio was a saddness trigger for me. I am not sure why except that maybe I sang it around the time I was abused. It used to be one of my favorite songs. It is still a beautiful song, just makes me alittle weepy.
Right after that song came on, I was comforted by this beautiful song. I thought about the things I have been taking photos of lately, and the love Heavenly Father has for them, and how it does not compare with the love He has for me.
Then I started searching Youtube. These next three videos are songs that touched my heart.
The first one made me want to sob. I want to put it on my Iphone, and when I cry put it on repeat, for when others ask questions vocally or with their eyes.
These next two are basically my testimony of Jesus Christ put to music.
Daily Prompt: 21st Century Citizen
Do you belong in this day and age? Do you feel comfortable being a citizen of the 21st-century? If you do, explain why — and if you don’t, when in human history would you rather be?
I am a techno geek. My husband is a techno geek. I am always tethered to my Iphone, and I write almost all my blog posts on my Ipad. If you had a computer problem, before I had all my memory issues with medication and anxiety, I could fix almost any problem, and enjoyed doing it. When I feel like I still enjoy tinkering, but I am not confident in my skills like I once was. My husband however can fix any problem that can be fixed, and diagnose those that can’t be.
Our pillow talk at night is over my Ipad and his laptop. He cannot go to sleep without checking Facebook, Pinterest, Email, and watching videos on Youtube. There have been a few times when to be funny, I looked over and notice him on Facebook and logged on and messaged him, “Goodnight honey” or if I was in a particularly romantic mood put a romantic message on his timeline. I cannot count the number of times he has woken me up when he has heard an email come into my phone and asked, “Are you going to check that?”
We love our gadgets. I love the camera Mother is letting me borrow. We love the nice entertainment system we have. If there is a kitchen gadget or gimmick, I want to try it out. He with his Tim the Toolman Taylor grunt, is the same way about tools. Indoor plumbing, thank goodness! A/C, I live in South Georgia, need I say more?
As we both deal with anxiety and depression, collecting things then getting rid of them is not one of our strong suits. We joke that our front porch is Sanford and Sons from things he has collected. We have a shed of stuff, that we both have collected. I have a hard time throwing anything away. Whether it be the thought that it might be valuable one day, it is sentimental, or it is a bill I paid five years ago, if it comes in the house, I need it. I remember when that company one company told me to prove it to them several years ago that I paid it, on a bill that was two years old, and all my notes were on the bill that I had thrown away. Part of me is scared without this “stuff” you will not be able to prove that I existed when I am gone. I need something to say, I was here, I lived.
I am getting off topic though. That is a whole different post.
Do I belong in the 21st Century? Where I was headed before my detour was to state as much as I love my modern conveniences, gadgets, and gizmos. I long for a much simpler time.
A time that families worked together in the fields to bring in the harvest. Raising your own cattle, pigs, and chickens for meat, not worrying about the hormones being put in them. Rivers and streams were pure for bathing, and drinking, and fishing.
Money was not the driving force behind everything, yes, money was needed, but it did not mean living or dying, self-esteem or self loathing, friends or loaner. The credit card had not been invented!
Families would gather around the table in the evening by candle light as Mother or Daddy would read the scriptures and pray. Your immediate family did not need to move far away for schooling or to find work, you were all close in proximity, and in relationships.
The Government was small, not governing every affair of our life. You could protect homes and families without fear of breaking the law.
Maybe people had shorter lifespans back then, but it seems like they were living, really living. Leaving a legacy for us. A legacy I long to be part of.
- Daily Prompt: 21st Century Citizen (dailypost.wordpress.com)
- Geek chic: how geek became mainstream in 10 steps (euronews.com)
- If homesteaders had plenty of time, why don’t we? (goodbyehouston.wordpress.com)
- Great New Site, Same Great Information! (modernhomesteaders.net)
This morning is some better. I am still very anxious and depressed, but not teetering. I realize how many kind and good people read my blog, and they are going through a lot right now too. “Our community” helps one another when we are down. Kind words of encouragement, the reminder of the beautiful things in life and in me, virtual hugs, and a simple “like” they let me know someone is listening and cares.
I have my amazing family. I know the are weary. It is hard having someone you love with severe emotional problems. I could charter a club, I have been on the other side. Living daily, not knowing what to say or do, fear of triggering them. Fear of the backlash. Not knowing if the will be there in the morning physically or emotionally. Holding your tongue and swallowing your emotions, sacrificing your own mental health while they work on theirs. Crying more than laughing. I hate that I put anyone through this roller coaster.