Tag Archives: Therapy

The Three Faces of Me

 

The Three Faces of Eve
The Three Faces of Eve (Photo credit: junibears)

During therapy yesterday Dr. R mentioned the movie The Three Faces of Eve.  Since The Mean One has come out fighting this week,  I feel like I need to understand what is going on with me.

Watching the movie helped me understand somethings that I have been trying to understand, the way they communicate, among themselves, and with me. Having these awful headaches more frequently also, a similarity.

I hate being like this.  I have always been the person to take care of everything.  I handled our bills, dealing with any and all business for us.  Now if the slightest ripple in the plans or transactions happen, that rock my boat, that cause me any negative emotion The Mean One thinks of it as an open invitation to take over.

In therapy we discussed acknowledging her and her anger.  Last night when she came out at something so minor and stupid, I did just that.  I tried to acknowledge her anger.  I begged her to tell me why she was so angry.  That seemed to make her more angry.  Little Shanna then pushed her way forward, and was so scared.  She asked for Mother.  I am proud of her for doing that.  Tracy called Mother for her and Mother was able to calm her enough for me to push back forward.

Something needs to give.  I hate this.

Thanks for reading.  ~Hope

 

 

 

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Breathe In Breathe Out

Went to the doctor today, when they took my oxygen stats they were low.  Yay me! He has put me on a nebulizer for my asthma, one without steroids.  I am so sensitive to steroids

Nebulizer Baby
Nebulizer Baby (Photo credit: KristyFaith)

that though they would do my lungs a world of good, my mental state and the mental state of those around me does not benefit from me on them.

Speaking of breathing in and breathing out.  On the way to town, I practiced self soothing with my MP3 and circular breathing.  Though I was probably better than I would have been without these techniques, I cried in anticipation of being in a crowded waiting room.  My angel Mother went in to both offices for me and waited for them to call my name. She then would come and let me know so I could go to my room.  I helped a lot.

This morning I before my appointments, I found something I wanted to share.  I hope that it will help all of us with our anxiety.  My therapist has helped me with mindfulness, when I found this, I was so excited.  She was  hoping to create a MP3 for me, this is so similar to the technique she uses.

http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22

We’ll I hope you have a great night.  I think I am going to throw the tower in early.

~Hope

 

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It’s Raining It’s Pouring

It has been raining today.  Heavy showers passing by.  Roscoe cannot stand the sound of the rain, he jumps up and begins shaking.  Yeah, my dog even has anxiety issues.  When it comes to the rain, I love it.  I love the sound. I love the smell. I love how it feels. I just love it.  Do not love how my head feels when the barometric pressure changes, but oh well, I still love rain.

The hubs and I have been watching a marathon on American Restoration on the Roku today.  Gosh, it totally amazes me how they can take something broken and in completely horrible shape, and restore it to such beautiful mint looking condition.  Of course as I watch it I think about myself.  I know how I look physically and emotionally.  I am in a pretty rough state.  The journey I am on, and the Healer and Refiner working with me, my Savior Jesus Christ, will in the end help me to be mint condition again.  A new person, well and whole.  It is just going to take time.

Another lesson I have learned in this analogy is that just like different methods need to be used on different materials or you will do more damage, so it is on this journey.  He’s with me and leading me.  Helping me to find the right things I need to do.  Yet another lesson is that each thing has its own time, you cannot rush it.

I know in the end I will be excited with the improvements and healing, and say, “Wow! I am not the same person that started on the journey.  I am better.”

My pray for myself and others on this journey that these thoughts are taken to heart.  It is easy to write them, and feel them as I write them.  It is another to remember them in the darkness of trial.

Thank you all for reading.  I am still working on my MP3.  Please send your music choices to help me.

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Can YOU Help Me?

Today I have been in bed all day with a headache.  I keep telling myself that I need to get up and do something, but I do not have the energy.  Between my head throbbing and the medication zapping me.  I keep saying I will use my energy to cook supper.  I am cooking Chicken Parmesan tonight.

I have been more down today emotionally too.  I do not know why.  I suppose it could be the rain coming.  I know that is probably why my head is throbbing.  The barometric pressure reeks havoc on my brain.

So anyway, I need your help.

I am working on filling my MP3 with music that I can listen to when I need to disconnect the emotional fuse, or when I am depressed.  

What songs do you think I should put on my MP3?  What are some uplifting, not necessarily church, but it can be, music that inspires you. What about relaxes you? What about funny songs?  I do not listen to music with swearing, but I’m pretty much open to all styles.

Thank you so much in advance for your help!

Picture Pages, Picture Pages

Before the madness took over, I was into couponing. I taught a couple of classes even. I was not extreme like the TLC show, but through diligence and planning I saved quite a chunk of change. I still subscribe to a few of the mailing list and bloggers that taught me the art of stretching my penny.

So this morning when I looked through my Facebook, I saw a post that excited me. FREE 20 page photo book and FREE shipping. Two different codes, but stackable. I was super excited. I sorted and plowed through my digital photography. Uploaded each specially chosen one to the Walgreens website. Designed my book. Writing memories and capturing the story behind the pictures. Before long I had spent several hours designing my book. My neck and back aching from sitting at the computer, but I loved what would be my finished product.

Eagerly I proceeded to checkout. Entering my first coupon it took the cost of the book itself down to $0, then I entered the second code for the free shipping. Big red letters alerted me that I was not allowed to use it because it expired two days ago. My total came to $2.99. I am such a tight wad that I could not do it. My husband told me that I should, but I ended up getting busy doing other things. Now it is after midnight and that offer has expired. Oh well.

I guess the lesson for me is finding joy in the journey. It is not always about the finished product or the destination.

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Hello 2014, What Do You Hold In Your View?

I’m here. Yeah, still alive and breathing which is a plus. The last few months have been tricky and remain so. I had surgery in November on my neck for a herniated disk. My back is still giving me a fit and finding a comfortable position to sleep almost impossible.

Little Hope continues to cause to make my life a mess. I refuse to acknowledge her as part of me. My life has become that of a recluse because of the prison which she holds me in. Fearing constantly that she will take over. She ruined my family Christmas for me. Showing herself to my extended family. I hate her. I wish she would go away. You hear the cliché in movies that there is only room for one of us in this town, well that is how I feel about my body and mind.

As I write the tension and the anxiety wells up inside. I have been anxious for several days, fearing that something is going to happen to someone I love. Not that anxiety is new. This is just constant. I hear a siren, I turn on the scanner, or call my loved ones. Irrational I know, but I cannot shake the feeling. At night I wake up to feel my husband breathing, to feel his warm skin. When my Mother and I return from a doctor, I scan the sky for smoke to make sure our homes have not caught on fire while we are gone. When we pull in, I scan the yard to make sure my Daddy has not fallen. I am in a constant state of worry. As they read this, it will be the first time my family hears some of it. I am ashamed of it, but it is my life, if that is what it can be called.

I determined myself to start writing again, not allow the little bully within to stop me. I apologize for the negative post, I am trying to get the emotions out. Trying to be real.

What does 2014 hold? A lot more therapy. I hope I can learn to control the monster within. I am sorry such horrible things happened to her, they happened to me too, but she needs to let me be the adult and live. I try to explain to her that she is safe, and that she will be happy if she lets me live. She does not trust me. She often screams loudly in my mind. “If you are sad you must die.” or “That’s not fair. That’s not fair to me.” She does not want me to be sad, or to be too happy. So I live in limbo. Reclusive.

I communicate with friends and family via Facebook and texting. My immediate family I talk to on the phone or at my parents home. I cannot even attend Church right now because of panic attacks being around people. I miss going to Church. I miss spending time out. I miss me.

I do have hope for 2014. Hope that I can press forward and get to know the new me, and feel comfortable in my own skin. Hope that I will walk back into Church without a panic attack. Hope that will be able to date my husband again, I miss our dates. Hope of shopping trips with my Mother. Yes, others have resolutions of weight-loss and exercise. It goes without saying that I need to have those things on my list, but that will come.

Thursdays Make Me Nervous

Ever since my wreck afew weeks ago, Thursdays make me nervous. When I am nervous and anxious I have to work extra hard to not switch, which makes me more nervous and anxious. Today I have an appointment that requires me to travel the road where I had my first flashback. I know many of you are thinking let it go, PTSD is not like that, you cannot. You live and relive, constantly. I am physically hurting and in emotional torment.

This afternoon I meet with my counselor. One of the things that I want to discuss with her is lately my emotions get so intense, but then if I want to express what is in my mind it is like someone takes a curtain and pulls it infront of my thoughts, and there is nothing there but the emotion.

I made my Mother a promise last week that I would not look up my symptoms on the internet, I have kept that promise. I just keep forgetting to ask my counselor about this. It has happened in therapy several times.

Gratefully, I just received the news that the first appointment was cancelled. I am already a nervous mess. I am going to turn on the TV and try to find something that I can get insterested in.

Guard Frog

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This guy is growing, emphasis on growing, into an awesome guard frog. He is HUGE, looks like a mutant when next to his froggy pals. That is a watering bucket outside my door that he was proudly perched on when we came home last night.

I Feel Like I Could Sleep For Days

Therapy work is exhausting. Healing, but it truly wipes me out. I dig down deep and cry from the depths of my soul. I have been blessed with an amazing therapist who encourages me and helps me through the abyss. She points out the brightness and makes sure before our session is over that I am in a healthier place.

This evening a missionary couple that once served in my hometown is coming to visit my home church. It is a quick surprise visit. When the hubs gets home, we will go up there say hello, run by CVS to pick up our new scripts, then hopefully come home and crash.

I really want to fall asleep early in his arms tonight.

Tell All Tuesday: My Insides Are Shaking

I am in the waiting room of my new doctor. I must admit my insides are doing the jitter-bug. I have so much on my mind. I am having a difficult time keeping the anxiety at bay. Mother has a lot on her mind too, I told her to go ahead and shop while I waited and meet with this new doctor. I might be a couple of hours yet, no need to hold her prisoner here. So I blog and people watch. One family argues across me, something about “Deddy and Christmas.”

They were just called back, thankfully. I am ready for my appointment with my therapist this afternoon, I hope she can help me bring clarity to some of the issues that are plaguing my mind. Haunting me in my waking and my sleeping hours. Longing for peaceful assurance and help in making a correct decision, fear and trepidation of making the incorrect one is almost too much to bear. I know she will help me muddle through my emotions and help me to see the situation for what I need to see it as.

Before heading to my appointments today we stopped to see our sweet friend that is in ICU. She did not respond to us. I want her to sit up and talk in her beautiful Hispanic accent, invite me over for her delicious rice and beans. “Oh my beautiful sister.” She calls me, and with a hug, I call her the same. You never know when a prompting to call or stop by and visit might be the last time to see a person or hear their voice for a while. I am grateful that I acted on it a few weeks back and spent time with her. My prayers are that she will make a full recovery, right now it is in the Lord’s hands.

One doctor visit and emotional breakdown later…

I just asked my Mother, why can’t my life be normal? Why is my normal utter chaos? I really do believe there must be a hotline or something that announces that I am on the way, time to see what oil we can throw on the road and what tricks I need to learn.

My life is that of Willy Coyote and Road Runner. I am still going, but gosh.

This new psychiatrist that I was referred to was really nice, but they put me in with the PA on the 1st visit. Super nice man, gentle speaking grandfather type, immediately asks why I am there since I have insurance. Very confused, I explain that they are on my preferred providers and also that I have went to 2 other in network providers that did not work out, and they came highly recommended my therapist. As he looked over my list of medications, he kindly advised that I would best be cared for by my Internist, and not have so many doctors. That is when the tears could no longer be held at bay. This all began months ago when my Internist suggested that I see a Psychiatrist. Now, I felt hopeless, as if I was being turned away left to my own devices. Once I started crying I could not stop.

He quietly excused himself, that is when I noticed his PA degree on the wall. My being left to my own devices turned to frustration too. When he came back in the room he explained where he had been. He spoke to the head Psychiatrist, who has dealt with “complex cases” such as mine. He would be referring me to him. He wanted me to know he truly had compassion for my situation and was not leaving me out in the dark, but due to the other medications I am on he did not feel confidant treating me, and would have done me a “great disservice pretending he could treatment.”

I respected and admired his honestly. Grateful that he referred me to the Doctor and did not turn me away. Next week I start seeing him.

Therapy was extremely difficult today. I cried from deep, releasing some pain that I have been afraid to release. I have such a long way to go. I do not think I can even call them baby steps.
I am realizing that somewhere deep inside, I hold the pain because in holding the pain I continue to hold on to what it represents. MJ, my childhood, my Granddaddy, the Child I never had…once it heals they will be gone.

I do not initially hold the pain and anguish, but I do it. As we sat together reading and looking at MJs story, sobbing, she reminded me of the person that she was catching a glimpse of through the words and the person that he is would want me smiling and laughing. She referred to quotes that MJ’s Mom used in his book. She’s right, that is who he is, that is who we were and are.

Something about knowing MJ helped me become my best self, awoke that part of me, but something my therapist reminded me today, through my own words. It was a part of me. Only I can reclaim that part of me.

Beside me today stands another. My companion and my love. He is patiently waiting as I work through all my issues. I suppose some of it is duty and payback, as I have stood and stand beside him through trial, but it is more. It is love. We have covenanted in love with each other and God, to stand beside each other. It is not always easy. I am not always easy. Mental health, physical health, and life in general, thank goodness there is love, and chocolate.