One of the reasons I stopped blogging a few months ago was because I was so caught up in numbers. Worrying about my stats daily. Am I being boring? What are my readers thinking? Between that and Little Hope angry that I called her Hope, it just became too much.
Today I have thought about what drives me to write. Mainly to get the thoughts out to calm me. Others is to connect with others. I hope my words do reach others, and somehow help them. Even it is helps them, helps YOU not feel so alone.
Originally I had hoped to make money blogging, but I know my blog is not going to ever make money. It is not about a money-making topic that brings people in droves. Maybe down the road when I am farther along in my journey, I will visit that idea again. Right now I want to focus on quality posts about my life.
This is the life I am living. This blog is much more than a blog to me, it is my online journal. I am going to treat it as such. I hope as I do you do not get bored reading. Gratefully, some days are boring. I long for those days. Days that I can say, “Today I cleaned house and cooked dinner.” Of course I will go into more details, and talk more about what I am feeling.
I do have a QUESTION. Before my hiatus when I blogged at the bottom in visual mode it offered suggestions on blogs that I could pingback to, blogs that had similar subject matter. I do not see this anymore. Is there something that I need to activate to get that back or what? I do not remember what it is called. I would love to have that option again. I think it was a great way to network in our blogging community. If you know what it is or how I can get it back PLEASE let me know. Thanks!
I hope you all have a wonderful night! -Hope
I will work on Try It Thursday tomorrow, this Thursday has been extra trying. I am not ready to talk about the events of the day. I am sure that one day soon I will. I recognize to a “normal” person today would have been a bump, but to me, I scared myself. Really scared myself.
I am worn out. Completely. 7:58 and I am calling it a night, and praying tomorrow will be better.
My husband is watching a tv show that has a good bit of swearing in it. Swearing is one of those things that bothers me. Ironically, I have found myself saying a word or two since I have been going through these most difficult days. I do not like that. That is one of the reasons I put on my headphones and started listening to uplifting music and watching uplifting videos. I do not want negative words to be the first things that pop into my mind when I get angry, and if I put a filter on my mind it seems it is easier to control my mouth. Go figure.
Ironically, the first song I listened to tonight on the LDS Radio was a saddness trigger for me. I am not sure why except that maybe I sang it around the time I was abused. It used to be one of my favorite songs. It is still a beautiful song, just makes me alittle weepy.
Right after that song came on, I was comforted by this beautiful song. I thought about the things I have been taking photos of lately, and the love Heavenly Father has for them, and how it does not compare with the love He has for me.
Then I started searching Youtube. These next three videos are songs that touched my heart.
The first one made me want to sob. I want to put it on my Iphone, and when I cry put it on repeat, for when others ask questions vocally or with their eyes.
These next two are basically my testimony of Jesus Christ put to music.
The thoughts are so loud.
Each nerve in my body
a pinnacle of aniexty,
ready to catch the next thought,
and amplify it,
and make me hurt all over.
Piercing, agonizing pain.
Nowhere to escape.
Nowhere to run.
You cannot run from your thoughts.
Others have tried to drown them
Or cut them
Or smoke them
All ways to try to feel something else,
or not feel at all.
I did not do any of those, ever.
Self respect, faith, pride, fear,
Whatever the reason I didn’t.
Sometimes, I envy those
With those outlets.
An emotional checkout would be
But at what cost.
I laid here tonight wondering,
How much Xanax would it take to
Give me a vacation, but not kill me?
Irrational I know, so I took one.
Hopefully soon the nerves will relax,
and I can sleep.
As fitful as it is, I need sleep.
My husband says each night
I fight unseen demons in my sleep.
Very fitful, very restless.
No wonder I stay exhausted.
A warrior cannot fight all night and all day,
and still function 100%.
I need something.
Whether I wave the flag of surrender,
or collapse in defeat.
I do not see the fight in me anymore.
Hopefully the Xanax kicks in soon,
And I can sleep.
I pray that when the sun rises on the new day,
I will have renewed strength and fortitude to meet the day.
Until then, I still breathe
and that means I am winning.