To Put Emotions On Pause

Oh to be able to let my emotions flow out of my finger tips.  The last few days I have been depressed and really anxious.   Medication, situation, all of the above?  Who knows.

Monday the fly on the wall, found me watching CNN.  A special about sexual predators working at Disney World, Sea World, Universal, and other theme parks.  The one I remember most lived life as a preacher.  Sounded like a familiar story.

Eventually sufficiently creeped out, I turned the television off.  Pondering the things I just learned, I picked up my Ipad and began a search.  Center of Missing and Exploited Children.

Shaking inside and out I called, simply to see what could be done to report someone who preyed on me over 35 years ago.  I am pretty sure I let out an audible gasp when she said she would take my report, and the information would be shared with the authorities.  I do not look for him to be punished for the things he did to me.  At least not in the here and now, but the thought of him continuing to prey on victims…My voice no longer silent.

For a couple of days his memory haunted me.  Fears.  More memories, smells, more memories…restless.

My medication has been tweeked too, and I think in the wrong direction.  So I know that this seems much more grandiose to me than it is.

Last but not least, I cannot deny my heart many many tears, as I prepare to say see you later to my sweet boy Enos.  He has degenerative back disease, past surgery on multiple disc.  He can no longer walk, or turn over when lying down.  We have to hold him up for him to do his “jobs”.  He is getting where he is in a good bit of pain.  My heart is broken for my baby.  He has slept with me since we rescued him seven years ago.  He is my smallest dog, and since I was never blessed with my own children, my dogs are my babies.  Enos lets me dress him and do what ever with him.  I love that little guy so much.

Can You See It?

One weekend the hubs and I watched Harry Potter all weekend long. Enos stays glued to our sides, so he was subjected to the marathon also. You can imagine how hard I laughed when the next morning he woke up with the above cow lick on his rump.

Do you see it?

Poor fella must have fought Voldemort in his dreams. I have not notified JK Rowling. Voldemort lives.

Funny thing about Enos, he makes Dobby faces and now a lightning “scar” on his rump. He’s just the Harry Potter dog.

I really must say I do not have much to report today. I would say it is a slow news day, but with the school shootings, I will not say that. My prayers are with the students and families. A county not far from here was on lockdown for a while with reports of a gun and then a bomb. I have a feeling that it is going to come back and bite authorities. Gratefully nothing was found, but the fact that they put the school on lockdown when there was a bomb threat, because they felt like it was a hoax. They should have used it for a training at the very least. What if they were wrong and their would have been one? That would have been a horrible call. I am just grateful it turned out how it did.

I need to go heat up dinner. I might be back on a little bit later. The hubs came home early. We are having “date night”. Free Redbox rental of “Man of Steel”. YAY!

Thanks for reading! ~Hope

Oh What A Night!

It was a night.  One of those that you do not know if you want to laugh or cry so you do both out of exhaustion.

Saturday morning I had a headache and an upset stomach.  I did not eat until late last night, and it was a bowl of Cheerios, by this time my husband was feeling somewhat off also.  Then they began.  The trips to the restroom.  Every few minutes, just as I would get settled back in bed, another wave of cramps.

I could not sleep for the stomach cramps.  At about 2:00 I had finally dozed off, when I hear my husband screaming in the bathroom.  I jumped up, and yelled if he was okay.  His answer made my stomach turn all the more.  The toilet had over flowed with him.  I admit, I laughed to myself that it was him and not me, but I also felt bad for him.  It took him a while to clean it up and climb back in bed.

It was not long however that I was up again.  I held my breath as I flushed.  I had the plunger in hand just in case.  The water came up, up, up, and I plunged, plunged, plunged, until it went down, down, down.  Whew, that was close.  I settled back in bed and dozed off for a few minutes.

Then Daisy needed to go outside.  Urgh.

Shortly after I climbed back in bed, she also let me know that it was time for her breakfast.  She wants breakfast at 6:00.  It was 5:45.  I really wanted to sleep, so I let all four dogs out again and fed Daisy and Gage breakfast.

That held her over for two hours. I pretty much gave up on sleep at that point.

Daily Prompt: My Four Legged Hero

Meet Gidget.  I was just a tiny girl, and she a tiny pup when I she became part of our family. Hitting it off immediately, this little gal became my shadow.

Gidget was my best pal. To be such a small dog she was the absolute best a watch dog and protector. Often going nose to nose with large neighborhood bulldogs and shepherds that would come into our yard. She would send them running as she nipped on their heels with them running tails tucked as they left. I am sure they were getting an earful with her barking in the chase.  Once a Doberman jumped over the neighbors fence and came running after us.  Granny told us to run to the climbing tree.  Granny and Gidget stood ground, giving us time to climb the tree.  I do not remember the dog going home or what.  I just know we did not get eaten, neither did Granny or Gidget.

As fierce as she was protecting her us, she was that much more gentle towards us. I was fascinated with her swollen boobies after she had puppies. So one day I rolled her over and squeezed one of her boobies and looked in awe as milk came out. She just laid there. She would let me do anything to her.  Poor girl.

Gidget was so funny. I think she thought she was a human.  She loved our birthday parties. Whatever we did, she found herself in the middle of it. If we were chewing gum, Gidget was chewing gum. She however, loved to pull and stretch the gum with her paws and make a mess. One party favor that she really enjoyed was the parachute men. They were in cylinder tubes. You blow the tubes and the parachute man comes out and floats down. She had a tube in her mouth and tried to throw her head back, mimicking us. She was never able to get her parachute to fly. 🙂 But it was not from lack of trying.

I remember well the dark feeling that fell over my heart the day Gidget went missing. She had a litter of puppies under the house that needed feeding.  She never stayed away from her babies long, so we knew something was bad wrong for her to stay away.

We looked everywhere, and eventually found her at my neighbors. The night before their someone had broken into their home.  Gidget, we suppose, tried to protect our friends home, and was ran over. My heart was broken.

I miss that sweet girl, a hero of my youth.

Daily Prompt: Heroic

Sink or Swim, I Thought Fat Floated

No surprise I am emotional today, I am every day. I have glimpses into light and peace. I did so as I studied and read the scriptures, and listened to uplifting music this morning. However, much like an egg on perfectly seasoned non-stick surface thrown into the air, so went my brief feelings of joy. Back into the abyss I sink.

I talked to my lawyer earlier this week and he said the disability judge is running fourteen months behind, so my case will not be heard until probably next December (2014). It is so frustrating. Confusing too, the emotions I feel. I am so terrified being in public right now, going to a hearing around people scares me. When I am scared and overly emotionally Little Hope seems to have the upper hand. It has been a HUGE fear getting in front of the judge and she come out. It will leave me unpresent not knowing what is going on or how to answer any questions. Not to mention if she pulls one of her fits.

Something I realized today, I beat myself up over things before they happen. I create elaborate scenarios in my head, stupid what if scenarios. Example in point. I let Daisy and Roscoe out in our fenced in backyard. While they did their business I figured I would do mine. (TMI moment coming) My stomach was bothering me and I stayed in there a few more minutes than I originally thought. I start panicking that Roscoe and Daisy have dug out of the yard. (Completely out of character for Roscoe, and Daisy too if she is not with Gage.) But it was real to me. I could not hear them in them playing outside the window. I just knew they were gone. Daisy has a chip, Roscoe does not. They are going to get hit by a car. Tracy is not home to help me find them. It is my fault that I ate the Oreos, because I know those and my Metformin mess my stomach up. I am not going to be able to live with myself. (I am trying to hurry so I can go find them, but my stomach would not cooperate.) By this point I was almost in tears and shaking. I hear the neighbors dogs barking, then my parents dogs barking. My fears are confirmed, they have escaped. Why else would all the neighborhood dogs bark. I have got to get out of this bathroom!! Why did I eat those stupid Oreos!! Those Oreos killed my dogs. Then I heard it, outside my bathroom window, inside the fence, Daisy’s beautiful bark. The same bark that annoys me at 3:00 in the morning.

My epiphany came as I walked to the door to let them in. I am always finding reason to hate me, real or imagined.

In therapy we have talked how I blame myself for all the bad things that have happened to me, part of it for me is to give any others involved a free pass. The deeper part is in most cases I feel like something I have done caused it.

I’m fat. I have heard I am fat because I would eat at my Granny’s and my home. I cry as I type that. In my mind being fat has been the root of many of my problems. For those who say lose the weight, let me say, if there is a diet, I have tried it. I have owned several exercise machines, walked, swam, danced, kickboxed, you name it. I would lose some, and breathe and gain weight again and the pounds I lost would bring family members and friends.

So again I am fat, it is my fault. I got that. It is there. I cannot shake it. Enter the teen years and puberty, I get something that “fat girls” get Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I’m fat. I caused it. My fault. Through the years I was told that I would have trouble getting pregnant. Lose weight they say, but PCOS makes you gain too. So being fat made me have something that makes me gain weight. Anyway, losing weight nor medication helped. Infertility=No Child because I am fat! My Fault! But wait, there’s more! I wanted a child so bad. My self-esteem so low I am easy prey. All the signs were there that the baby did not exist, but I believed her. Everyone hurt because of my dream and my gullibility. Then instead of my womb producing something beautiful, it produced something ugly, cancer. Cancer, that was my fault because I am fat. Now my heart is enlarged and thick, I have asthma, degenerative back disease, diabetes, and several other things…and why??? BECAUSE I AM FAT!!!

So why do I hate myself? I wonder?

Fat provides a cruel floating illusion, when in reality it acts as a millstone securely placed pulling you into the deepest your abyss.

Mutts and More Monday: National Dog Day

I cannot believe I failed to mark my calendar, August 26, 2013, there it is National Dog Day.

Being an avid dog lover, I had no idea there was such a day until signing onto Facebook and seeing mingled with all the back to school photos, pictures of dogs. At first I thought it was a message from fur-moms like myself, maybe showing their fur-babies going to obedience school or something, but then I read National Dog Day 2013. I was intrigued.

I know we have days out there for everything, like tomorrow is National Hotdog Day, no, not on my calendar. I just ran across this when researching the history of National Dog Day.

Surprisingly, National Dog Day has been around since 2004. It began as a day to raise awareness of pets in shelters, and organizations like Petfinder. So many dogs, and other animals are senselessly killed every day. Rescue organizations save as many as they can, but cannot save them all. Today is their day, to be remembered, and hopefully find forever families waiting.

I have mentioned before that both my Enos and Roscoe where rescues. Enos was on the way to the pound that day. I am not sure how long before they would have taken Roscoe. My sister adopted her little one off of Petfinder. He is such a sweet loveable little guy.

Many communities have adoption and fostering opportunities for pets. If you are on Facebook you can also check to see if your community has a furbaby group. There are often opportunities to do very temporary foster, helping vet, pet give aways, or adoptions. Either way, if you love pets, you could be saving the life of an innocent and recieving years of unconditional love in return.

Our babies bring us so much joy and I am pretty sure we bring them alittle in return. As I write this Enos is asleep across my lap.

In honor of National Dog Day, I went to YouTube and found some funny and a couple touching dog videos. Enjoy!

Mutts and More Monday: Running A Muck

I fell in love with this Arizona family including a baker’s dozen of various breeds of dogs when I first came across their blog. The Crazy Dog Lady and her Crabby Man inadvertantly adopted their pack when they each came with special medical need or needing a place to stay for a bit. They found their home.

I have no doubt that you also will fall in love with this family as you meet them and see how much they love and care for each other.

The Cast of Run A Muck Ranch have great adventures to be sure.

Mutts and More Monday: Ruby From Downunder

The first canine pal and fellow blogger that I would like to feature on Mutts and More Monday is a gorgeous black labrador from Sydney, Australia named Ruby.

Ruby blogs daily about her life and adventures. I have come quite fond of the beauty. Almost wishing she were closer and I could introduce her to my Gage, they would make some amazingly gorgeous and quite mischievous pups.

Ruby has a stomach of steel and much like Mikey on the old Life cereal commerical, will eat anything. She keeps me laughing. Be careful though, I do not recommend reading her blog aloud to your dogs, some of her habits might wear off, though she once told me she was talking to my dogs telepathicly. Hence the reason they were spending so much time on our fresh unfolded laundry.

If you love dogs and want to follow a fun blog, check out Ruby.

You can follow Ruby and her adventures here.

Tell All Tuesday: Fur Mommy’s Life

It is official. I am a mom. I have been a furmom, for eight years, and loved my babies with all my heart. When you deal with infertility, your pets ARE your children.

I write this post a day late, half a sleep. Why? Because I am fur mommy!

As I previously mentioned our littlest did a number on his back when jumping down from the bed Saturday, since then he has been in alot of pain. I took him to our vet Monday. Several shots, a laser treatment, and he sent him home with prescriptions. He still cries in pain. My heart still breaks and tears up when he cries.

He whimpers being confined to his kennel, not understanding his pain nor why mom cannot comfort him now, why her touch hurts. Monday night I did not sleep a wink, keeping vigil. Trying to calm his fears. Praying to know how to help my little man.

Tuesday during the day we spent the day watch dog relaxation videos on YouTube. It seemed to calm him some, just as his little eyes would close, either a pain would shoot through him, I would move, or Roscoe would come check on him. Last night I decided to ask my sweet husband to move a mattress out to the living room floor, so I could be on Enos’ level and he would feel more comforted. We put on the dog relaxation videos. They worked for a while, but I think he was bored with them. I then decided to let him out of the crate, to sleep on the mattress with me. Eventually we both succumbed to shear exhaustion around 2:00.

This evening, after thinking, the answer might be for me to go down to my parents, so he is not trying to get to me, he seems to feel better. I have him on the bed between my husband and I. He’s on his leash shortened so he cannot get to the side of the bed. He acts much more like my little man today. I am so grateful. We will sleep in the living room a few more nights while he heals, but I am not near as worried as I was.

If I ever doubted being a mom, I cannot now. Keeping vigil with one of your sick furbabies, sacrificing comfort and sleep, this is my corner of creation that I have been blessed with. I love each of their tender spirits dearly.

Find the Good Friday: A Match Made In Heaven

I love a good romance or friendship story. My heart has a special connection with those  the world sees as disabled or handicapped. I love dogs, and stories of rescues. My Enos was on his way to the pound, a high kill pound when we rescued him.

So you can imagine the feeling in my heart as I read the story of Eve and Dillon this morning in the Huffington Post.

So sweet.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/01/marleys-mutts-eve-dillon_n_3685072.html?utm_hp_ref=good-news